Another damned fanfic by The Eternal Lost Lurker (SQUN29A@prodigy.com) :) Ylppa sremialcsid lausu eht lla. Agnam eht fo noisulcnoc eht retfa ecalp sekat yrots siht. (Doesn't it annoy you when people do stuff backwards?) This is dedicated to all fanfic authors everywhere who dare to be wacky. ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- (Tendou Akane steps up to a microphone on a stage.) Akane: (singing) "I love to use my mallet on that baka's head, on that baka's head, on that--HEY!!" (a long cane with a hook on the end comes from offstage and pulls Akane off the stage. From backstage we hear screams, shouts of "BAKA!" and the sounds of people being bashed senseless with a large mallet. Curtain closes.) Ranma: Jeez Akane, what the heck was that all about? Akane: I dunno. Just felt like making this fanfic have a really dumb start. Ranma: I can't figure you out sometimes. Lurker: (yelling from a hidden speaker) EXCUSE ME! Do you mind if I get my story started now? Ranma: Sure. Go ahead. Akane: Sorry. Go on. Lurker: Thank you. (An anvil falls on Ranma and Akane and squashes them flat.) Opening theme: Lean On Me, Nerima Mix (We open on Ranma walking on a fence that runs alongside a high road. Up on the road two men are unloading crates and barrels from a truck.) Short Fat Ugly Man: Hey, careful with them fuckin' barrels for the museum exhibit. Can't afford to lose the damn water in 'em. Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: Eh, what's so special' bout some fuckin' water anyway? Short Fat Ugly Man: Y'got me. But the boss said he'd skin our asses and make a hat out of 'em if we lose this water. Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: (holding the barrel a little clumsily) Man, the old buzzard can suck my-- (he loses his grip on the barrel and it rolls, going over the side of the road and down to the sidewalk below.) Short Fat Ugly Man: (turning dark red) You STUPID, MORONIC, INCOMPETENT... (at this point I have to censor this because when delivery guys and dockworkers get mad you know there are going to be some words that'd make a gangsta rapper blush.) (Below, Ranma has just dismounted from the fence, and is now on the sidewalk. The barrel is falling right at him. He notices it, and reflexively aims a high kick at it. The barrel splinters, and Ranma is splashed with the water inside.) Short Fat Ugly Man: (looking down over the edge of the road) Sorry about that kid, you okay? Ranma: Man, watch it up there! You could hurt somebody with that! Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: So go home to mommy and cry about it little squirt. (sneers at Ranma) Ranma: Why you--! Somebody oughtta teach you some manners! Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: Oh yeah? How's about you, punk? Ranma: You asked for it. (leaps first to fence, then to a tree, and comes up onto the road, landing in a battle crouch.) Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: (removing his jacket and running a hand over his Size 88 Toriyama Forehead) Heh, lookit that. Little fucker thinks he's a martial artist. C'mon punk! (Ranma drops the guy in 3 seconds flat. The other guy looks nervous.) Short Fat Ugly Man: Hey, kid, you ain't gonna beat me up too are ya? I didn't have nothin' to do with the barrel and I ain't responsible for him, okay? Ranma: (relaxing from battle stance) See if you can't get your pal here to watch his tongue from now on. Especially in Nerima. Short Fat Ugly Man: Why Nerima? Ranma: (looks at him like he's a moron) Because most of the best martial artists in Japan live here. And some of them don't have a problem with killing jerks like him. (Ranma leaps down to the sidewalk and heads home.) (We cut to a yatai set up near where the fight took place. Ukyou is cooking okonomiyaki. We're not sure why she's selling on the street yet. She sees the exchange, including the barrel falling on Ranma. During the argument she realizes something.) Ukyou: (quietly to herself) Ran-chan, you just got splashed and you didn't change... (Ukyou closes up shop, takes the cash box and her spatula from the yatai, and heads off.) "Saotome Squared! Part one: That Old Jyusenkyou Magic" (Scene: Tendou Dojo. Genma-panda and Soun are playing Go on the porch. Akane is breaking bricks in the yard. Kasumi is hanging the wash. Nabiki is not in this scene.) Akane: (smashing a pair of bricks) Ranma no baka. He was supposed to spar with me this afternoon. Where is he? Soun: I'm sure he'll show up soon. Your move, Saotome-kun. (Just then, a yell and a splash are heard. Everyone looks over to the pond, where Ranma has just landed.) Ranma: (turning to the gates and yelling) Man, Ryouga! What's your problem now?! (Ryouga enters through the gates, umbrella drawn.) Ryouga: Shut up, Ranma! I'm going to break you today and hang your remains in a tree...to... (He stops moving and stares blankly at Ranma.) Ranma: Ryouga? Yo man, you in there? (Ranma turns and sees everyone else is staring at him too.) Ranma: What's the matter with you guys? Genma-panda: (sign) You're sitting in the pond, boy. Ranma: Yeah, so? Genma-panda: (sign) So, look at yourself. (Ranma looks down. His chest is flat, his hands and arms and legs aren't the size of a girl's. In fact...) Ranma: What the--? I'm...cured? (He leaps out of the pond, runs into the house and up to the bathroom. Everyone follows. In the bathroom, Ranma leaps into the shower fully clothed and turns the cold water on himself full blast. Nothing happens except his clothes discover a new meaning of "wash and wear.") Ranma: (laughing like a complete fool) I'M CURED! CURED! CURED! CURED! CURED! CURED! (starts dancing in the shower and singing) Never gonna be a girl again! Never gonna be a girl again! Ha ha ha ha ha! I am 100% GUY AGAIN!!!! Genma-panda: (sign) Got anymore of whatever it is, boy? Soun: Oh son, I am so happy for you! Now that you're a man again you can marry Akane without any problems! Akane: Hey! I might have something to say in it. (turning to Ranma) Ranma... I'm happy for you. This is what you've always wanted. (frowning) But...how? Ryouga: Saotome, how dare you find a cure and not tell me! (Ryouga starts to make a scene but stops at the threat of a bucket of cold water in the face.) Ranma: I got no idea! I didn't find any cure! This is just as much a shock to me as it is to all of you! (smiles, and turns to Akane) Hey Akane, you were talkin' about wanting to go to the pool yesterday right? (Akane nods.) Well why don't we go down there today? A swim could do me a lot of good. (Ranma grins. Akane giggles.) Akane: Alright, Ranma. (leaves to get her swimsuit) Ranma: (to Ryouga) Comin' Mr. P? Ryouga: (snarls at Ranma) Why you...how dare you? First you get cured and now you rub it in my face! (He leaps at Ranma, who grabs the showerhead and turns it on him. P-chan bounces a couple times on the floor, and settles for glaring at Ranma and growling. Nobody seemed to notice this happening, and if they did they just didn't care.) (Scene: Nerima Public Swimming Pool. Ranma and Akane are relaxing by the pool in their swimsuits. P-chan is sitting on Akane's lounge chair, glaring at Ranma. Suddenly a bike lands on Ranma, and a purple-haired Chinese girl in a purple bikini leaps off and throws herself on Ranma.) Shampoo: Woda airen! Ranma come swim with Shampoo, yes? Shampoo so happy! Ranma: (trying to peel her off) No, I'm here to swim with Akane. Shampoo: (giggling) Ranma funny! As if Akane swim! Akane no swim, Akane sink! Akane: (eye twitching) I've BEEN taking LESSONS you Amazon bimbo! Shampoo: (eyes narrowed but still smiling) All lessons in world no help stupid violent tomboy in water. Shampoo still think Akane made of lead. Akane: Why you! (Shampoo leaps off Ranma, grabs Akane, and throws her into the pool. Into the deep end. Akane begins to flail about in the water.) HELP! Someone help me! Ranma: Akane! Shampoo: Ranma forget about tomboy. Let Akane drown, then Ranma and Shampoo can be happy! Ranma: (glaring at Shampoo) If I were you, I wouldn't be here when I get out of the pool, you got that? (leaps into the pool and swims toward Akane. A minute later, he hauls her out of the pool. P-chan comes over and squeals quietly at Akane, while Ranma pats her cheek gently.) Hey Akane, you with us? Akane: Of course I am, stupid. (expression softens) Thank you, Ranma. I'm not ready for that end of the pool yet. Ranma: (smiles at Akane, then turns to see Shampoo still standing nearby, and his smile turns to a scowl.) Shampoo, if you EVER...(begins to growl) Shampoo: (not impressed) Shampoo just have to work harder kill Akane next time. Is no big deal. (This does it for Ranma. He grabs Shampoo by the throat, plunges her into the pool, hauls her out in cat form, and punts her far away from the pool) Ranma: SHAMPOO NO BAKA! (Ukyou walks up from nearby.) Ukyou: Ran-chan! It's true then? You're cured? Ranma: Ucchan! (nods) Yeah. Ukyou: I saw you fighting that delivery guy earlier. I noticed it then when the barrel splashed on you and you didn't change. Akane: Barrel? Ranma: Yeah. Some guys were unloading some barrels from a truck and they dropped one over the side of the road and it splashed on me. (smirks) Then one of the jerks smarted off to me. I had to pound some respect into him. Akane: Umm...Ukyou, where was this at? Where were they unloading barrels? Ukyou: That new Chinese museum of natural history a couple blocks from my restaurant. I saw the whole thing because I had to run my shop from my old yatai today, since they're doing some work on the inside of the restaurant for a few days. Akane: Chinese history museum? (turns to Ranma) You don't suppose the barrel that hit you was full of Nanniichuan water? Ranma: You know Akane, you might be onto something there! (smacks his palm with his fist) That explains it then! (From nearby there is the sound of screaming, running, yelling, and general chaos. Three voices can be heard distinctly over the clatter.) Happosai: How sweet! Come back here cutie-pie! Familiar sounding girl: No way pervert! Kunou: Pigtailed girl! Come proclaim your love for me and your hatred of the cursed Saotome Ranma! Come and be my love! Ranma: Sounds like Happosai and Kunou are at it again. Ukyou: Yep. Akane: Honestly. You'd think he'd give up on you and me Ranma. Always chasing after his "pig-tailed girl".... (Everyone stops and blinks.) All three: PIGTAILED GIRL!? (End Credits Theme: Okonomiyaki Love Letter [Alanis Morrissette version]) ---------------------------------^_^---------------------------------------- (Opening credits theme: Walk Like An Egyptian, Nerima Dance Mix.) "Saotome Squared! Part two: Ranko Revisited" (We cut to a shot of three figures running alongside the street in plain sight of the swimming pool. A red-headed girl in a purple Chinese shirt and pants outfit is being chased by a tiny man carrying a big sack and a tall guy in samurai garb wielding a bokken in one hand and a bouquet of roses in the other. With a cry, the girl leaps over the fence and into the pool. The others stop on the other side of the fence.) Kunou: Play not coy with me, fair one! Come to me of thine own free will, lest I be forced to mar thy beauty with my bokken! Ranma: You ain't marrin' nothin' Kunou. Get outta here now or you're gonna get hurt. Kunou: Saotome! Vile sorcerer! I should have known the pigtailed goddess would flee my arms for thine. Have at thee, evil mage! (Kunou is felled by one well-placed kick from Ranma. Meanwhile, Happosai is looking back and forth from Ranma to the girl in the pool in confusion. Ranma picks him up by his panty sack, and boots him off into the distance.) Pigtailed girl: (drying her hair with a towel she grabbed as she climbed out of the pool, and trying to wring her shirt out) Thanks...those two perverts were freaky... (Ranma turns to look at her, and she blinks, looking surprised.) D...Dad? (Ranma's turn to blink in shock. The girl smiles.) Pigtailed girl: I should have known. You're always saving me from guys like that, after all... Ranma: Who...who are you? Pigtailed girl: (looks confused for a second, blinks a couple times, then blushes embarrassedly.) Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I didn't introduce myself! (bowing) I'm Saotome Ranko, your daughter! Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, and everyone else within earshot: DAUGHTER!? Ranma: That's impossible! I don't have any kids, and even if I did you're MY age, how could you be MY daughter? Ranko: (blushing again) I'm kinda from the future, Dad. (noticing Akane for the first time) Oh, hi Mom. Akane: Don't call me Mom. Ranko: (shrugs) Whatever Mom. Soooo, Dad, this is how Nerima looked when you were a kid, huh? Not bad...not bad. Ranma: (takes Ranko's arm) Umm...maybe we better go someplace and talk? Ranko: Sure! Back to the dojo maybe? (Akane gets up and follows them out of the poolyard. They head back to the Tendou Dojo.) Ranko: Hey...Tendou Dojo? Did we get the wrong house or something? Ranma: This is where me and Akane live. Ranko: (blinks) I thought you lived in the Saotome Dojo though? Akane: If you're from the future like you say, then probably this is the same dojo. If that jerk there and me really DO get married, then this becomes his. Ranko: Cool. Ranma: So, Ranko...what are you doing here? Nanban mirror? Spell? What? Ranko: (shakes her head) I used Ono Soba's time machine. Ranma: Ono Soba? Ranko: Yeah, the kid with all the crazy inventions. (blinks) Oh...probably isn't even alive yet. Ranma: So, um, why are you here? Ranko: Soba-kun wanted to test out his time machine to see if it works. I thought it sounded cool so I asked him to send me back in time so I could meet you guys when you were my age. (frowns) I think that's why I came here anyway. (smiles) Akane: (whispered to Ranma) Is she for real? Ranma: (whispered to Akane) I hope not. I'd hate to know I had a kid this scatter-brained. Ranko: (wheels on him) So I'm kinda absent-minded! So sue me! (pulls a mallet out of nowhere and brains Ranma with it harder than Akane ever did.) Ranma: (rubs his head and blinks) No doubt about it. Only one person could be your mother. (Akane says nothing, but blushes.) (They enter the dojo. Nobody notices them at first. Genma and Soun are playing shogi, Nabiki is reading a manga, and Kasumi is pouring lemonade into glasses and placing cookies from a jar onto a serving tray. Ranko forgets she's not in her own time again, and starts saying hi to everyone.) Ranko: Hey Grandpa Genma! Hey Grandpa Soun! Aunt Nabiki! Aunt Kasumi! (Everyone looks up. They see two Ranmas...one male, one female, the female one waving and calling them grandpa and aunt. Ranma is groaning, and Akane is slapping her forehead.) Akane: (muttered) Ranko no baka. Ranma: Hey Ranko, are you always this stupid? (Ranko mallets him again, then gets a look of shock on her face) Ack! Dad! I'm sorry! (Meanwhile, Genma and Soun are staring, Nabiki is split between deducing, wondering, and scheming, and Kasumi has fallen over in surprise and is hastily straightening her dress as she stands.) Kasumi: Oh my, it seems we have a visitor! Akane: You have no idea. Soun: Akane, Ranma, who is this girl? Ranko: (bowing) Saotome Ranko. I'm from the future. Nabiki: The future? How far in the future? Ranko: (frowns, then turns to Ranma) What year is this? Ranma: 1996. Ranko: (chews her lip a second) Let's see...I'm 17 now, I'll be 18 in September...carry the 1...umm...ummm.... (Akane and Ranma facefault.) Ranma: Ranko...how about telling us what year YOU'RE from? Ranko: (brightens and giggles) Oh yeah! 2015. Kasumi: Oh my! You've certainly had a long trip then! Why don't you sit down and have some lemonade! Ranko: Thanks Aunt Kasumi! (she bounces, and I mean bounces, over and gets a glass of lemonade and a couple of cookies, and seats herself at the table across from Nabiki. Ranma and Akane get lemonade and cookies and sit across from Ranko. Nabiki subtly moves over so they can face the girl more easily.) Soun: So, tell us, Ranko, how did you get here? Ranko: Soba-kun used his time machine to send me here. Nabiki: Soba-kun? Who's that? Ranko: Ono Soba. Uncle Tofu-sensei and Aunt Kasumi's son. (everyone looks at Kasumi and grins. She blushes.) Kasumi: Oh my. It certainly is nice to know I'll have a smart son when I get older. (weak smile) Ranko: Mom and Dad wanted me to give you guys a message but I can't remember what it was. I think I had it written down somewhere. (thinking) Oh yeah! (starts to unfasten her shirt) Mom made me staple a note to my bra. Ranma: (panicking) RANKO! Jeez! Go someplace private to do that! Akane: Honestly, Ranko! You're just as bad as your father is about that! Ranma: Was. Not is. Not anymore. Akane: Oh yeah. That's right. Ranko: (looks confused) What are you guys talking about? Ranma: Well, umm...up until a few hours ago I had a Jusenkyo curse. Ranko: OH! You mean like Uncle Ryouga right? (blinks and looks horrified) Oh my God...Dad said not to say anything about that in front of Mom... (Akane shoots a look at Ranma, who shrugs) Akane: What do you mean? Ranko: (smiles nervously) Uhh...nevermind. Akane: (looking mad) TELL YOUR MOTHER! NOW! Ranko: (looks just about as mad) I SAID NEVERMIND MOM! (Everyone except Ranma stares as both Ranko and Akane pull large mallets from...somewhere, and begin pounding each other senseless. Ranma facefaults.) Nabiki: Yep, I'd say that one takes after her mom. (Everyone falls over.) Soun: So, Ranko, how long are you staying with us? Ranko: Couple of weeks. Soba-kun set the time machine to pick me up two weeks after I arrived. Kasumi: Well, you can stay in Akane's room then, alright? Akane: HEY! That'd be too much like having Ranma sleeping in my room! Ranma: (whispered to Akane) Don't let her looks fool you. That girl's as scatterbrained as Ryouga is lost. (Akane giggles.) Akane:(whispered to Ranma) I guess you're right...maybe that'll make it different. Ranko: (demonic head at both Ranma and Akane) QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK! (Ranma and Akane both shrink away from her.) Ranko: (recovers and giggles) Hey, I feel like a nice hot bath. Mind if I go upstairs and take one? Kasumi: Go right ahead! Ranko: Thanks Aunt Kasumi! (heads upstairs) Ranma: She must be a real pain in the butt to live with. Akane: Yeah. I feel sorry for her parents. Nabiki: Akane...you and Ranma ARE her parents. (Akane and Ranma groan.) Ranko: (looks embarrassed) I'm sorry! (the three start to move past her. Suddenly they find themselves pinned to the ground by a huge anvil.) But I still can't let you listen in on Mom and Dad! (The three sigh and pass out.) (Scene: the roof.) Ranma: Akane, we got problems here. Akane: Like what? What does that note say? (Ranma hands her the note.) Note: Greetings to our younger selves. We heard Ranko was going to visit you with Soba-kun's time machine and we thought we'd send a note along. By now you've probably run into Ranko's absent-mindedness and her violent temper. However, there are a few things you should know so you can keep her from getting herself into trouble. We worry about our daughter a lot. First of all, Ranko's not quite as good a martial artist as her father, and only about as good as her mother, even though she's a lot faster, but she makes up for it with some devastating attacks. Warn anyone that tries to fight her about her Anvil Drop. This isn't a joke, she does a lot of damage with the giant anvils she has a habit of dropping on people. Second of all, Ranko is a bit wild. She likes boys a lot, and she's likely to do anything with a boy she decides is cute. We have to watch her like a hawk, and while she's there so will you. Keep her away from Ryouga at all costs. She has a crush on him but here she can't do anything about it because he's twice her age. But in the past, they're the same age, and there's no telling what she might try to do with him. Please don't let Ranko do anything really stupid. Well, you're in for two exhausting weeks. Ranko is a sweet girl, and a lot of fun to be around, but she's very spirited. Sincerely, Saotome Ranma and Saotome Akane. Akane: Gee. Ranma: Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Giant anvils? Where in the heck did she come up with a technique like that? Akane: You've seen her temper. Probably that's just her version of my mallets. Ranma: Where DO you get those things from anyway? Akane: (smiles) Can't tell you that. It's a secret. (giggles) Ranma: Anyway, we gotta be real careful with her. She could be a lot of trouble here...or get herself in a lot of trouble. Akane: Yeah. Chances are if we let anything bad happen to her our future selves might pay us a visit and who knows what they'll do to us. Ranma: (gulps) I hope not. Besides, if they did that, wouldn't that be real bad news for them? (Akane thinks about this then nods.) Akane: One thing's for sure. This is going to be the weirdest two weeks of our lives. (Ranma nods, and slumps down, sighing.) (End credits theme: I Touch Myself, Ranko Pleasure Mix.) (Intermission) (Scene: a dark room someplace, lit only by a television and a computer screen. A fiendish villain sits before the computer, cackling maniacally as he types away. Suddenly someone appears behind him and begins pounding his head with a mallet.) Villain: HEY! Cut that out! Akane: WHAT did you think you were doing? Honestly, having me get malleted by someone. That wasn't funny! Lurker (villain): On the contrary, Akane, it was hilarious! Akane: Hmph. And what's with all these idiotic songs you pick for the credits anyway? They have nothing to do with the story at all! Lurker: Oh well! Akane: You're weird. Lurker: Thanks. Akane: That WASN'T a compliment you BAKA! Lurker: I wouldn't call me names if I were you. You might persuade me to bring in something with a lot of tentacles and more lust than Happosai. Akane: (gasping) You WOULDN'T!!! Lurker: Nope. I wouldn't. I'm not that disgusting. Fool with me though and I'll stick you and Ranma in bed together. Akane: ... Lurker: (evil grin) Or would you LIKE that too much? Heh heh. Akane: ... (turning redder than most ketchup) Lurker: Hey can you get back in there now? I wanna get the story moving again. (Akane glares at him one last time and disappears.) (End intermission.) (Opening Credits Theme: "Back In Time" by Huey Lewis and the News (sung by Saotome Ranko)) (We see Hibiki Ryouga walking down a street somewhere looking confusedly at a map.) Ryouga: Okay, it says here I was supposed to go east of Eden...Eden? (Looks at the map more carefully...it's actually a cover from a hardcover book, spread open. He tosses it aside.) Well that helps a lot. Wonder where I am now? Maybe I better ask for directions... (he spots a man standing in the doorway of a squat building with a tiled roof. The man is wearing a suede vest, black jeans, a white poet shirt, and has a wide-brimmed Western hat tipped over his eyes. He walks up to the man.) Man: Hola, senor. Ryouga: Nani? Man: Que? Ryouga: Nan da? Man: Que? Ryouga: Koko wa doko nan da? Man: No habla Ingles. Ryouga: Nan da? Iinugureisu*? Man: Que? Ryouga: [thought] This is getting me nowhere. {spoken} Koko wa? (points at the ground) Man: (looks at the ground) Caca**. Ryouga: Nani? Man: Caca. (points at the spot Ryouga pointed at. Ryouga looks down. There is what appears to be a pile of horse manure by his foot.) Ryouga: Kuso. Man: Que? (Ryouga sighs, turns, and walks away. As he crosses an intersection, he hears a lot of people yelling, and a lot of thumping noises. The noises seem to grow to a thunder, and the ground shakes.) Ryouga: What the hell? (he turns around. There are a LOT of bulls charging directly at him.) AAAHHHHH!!!!! (He doesn't have time to run. They're coming closer and closer. He makes a decision. He jabs a finger at the ground.) BAKUSAI TENKETSU! (The ground explodes in front of him, raining dust and rock and other things on the bulls, who skid to a halt inches from him, turn, and stampede the other way. He shudders and continues walking.) Observer 1: That boy scared off the bulls. Observer 2: Doesn't the moron have any respect for tradition? Observer 3: Anyone who can scare a herd of stampeding bulls doesn't have to respect anything if he doesn't want to. (All three nod.) AUTHOR'S NOTE: *-Obviously this is not the correct way to say English in Japanese. This is a katakana of the Spanish word for English. (Anyone else confused?) **-I am aware that caca is NOT the Spanish-Spanish word for feces. It's the Mexican-Spanish word. But for the purposes of the humor in this scene, it was neccessary. (Scene cut to Tendou Dojo. Ranma comes into the house looking upset.) Akane: What's wrong Ranma? Is Ranko out boy-chasing again? Ranma: (sighs and shakes his head.) No, I wish it were that simple. (he hands Akane a piece of paper) This fell on my head a few minutes ago outside. Akane: (reading) Time machine busted...can't send or retrieve anything larger than a loaf of bread...at least four months to fix it? (she pales) Ranma: Four months with Ranko. Akane: Oy. (Ranko bounces in...and we're talking bounces.) Ranko: Tadaima!!! Akane: Ranko, we have some news for you. Ranko: Oh? Ranma: Yeah. Seems you're going to be with us about four more months, at least. Ranko: Whoa! No way! Akane: (hands her the note) Yep. Ranko: (reads it, and beams) Yay! (starts bouncing up and down in hyperactive excitement. Ranma averts his eyes. Akane looks like she has a head- ache.) Akane: Uh, Ranko? Ranko: Yeah Mom? Akane: I think you forgot to put on your bra this morning. Ranko: (looks down, peeks inside her shirt) Oopsie! (giggles and runs upstairs) Ranma: Oy. Akane: Double oy. (Scene: Ryouga is standing on a street corner in a large city. The street signs are written in English, Chinese, and Japanese. Many of the buildings around him have names written in Chinese, Japanese, or both.) Ryouga: Hmmm....I better find out where I am. I might actually be in Tokyo this time. (spots a Japanese teenager roughly his age going into a building, and follows, being careful to avoid traffic. He finds himself in a very large shopping center with a lot of shops and Japanese restaurants. His target goes up a large spiral staircase. Ryouga follows. There are even more shops on the second floor. The boy goes into a shop labeled in English: "Japan Video". Ryouga enters. He walks up and taps the boy on the shoulder.) Boy: (in English) Yes? Something I can do for you? Ryouga: (blinks, then begins speaking in very shaky English) Aaaa....where...here...am...I? Boy: (blinks, then smiles and switches to Japanese) Ryouga: (boy is he relieved) Boy: Ryouga: Boy: (looks at him like he's dumb) Ryouga: (looks at HIM like he's dumb) Boy: (looks at Ryouga like he's incredibly stupid) Ryouga: (eyes wide) Boy: (nods) Ryouga: Boy: Ryouga: Boy: Ryouga: Boy: (blinks) Ryouga: (looking around) Boy: (nods) Ryouga: Boy: Ryouga: Boy: (blinks) Ryouga: (nods) Boy: (laughs) Ryouga: Boy: Ryouga: (looks at him blankly) Boy: (Ryouga nods. Boy laughs) Ryouga: (starting to get a little pissed) Boy: Ryouga: (blinks) Boy: Ryouga: Boy: (sighs) (he leads Ryouga over to a shelf where a bunch of subtitled and dubbed anime videos are displayed. On the wall at the back of the store in this section is a large mural of Tsukino Usagi, Mizuno Ami, Hino Rei, Kino Makoto, and Aino Minako.) Ryouga: Boy: (he picks up a video and shows it to Ryouga, who gasps and stares at it in shock. It's Ranma 1/2 TV Series Vol. 1 from Viz Video, dubbed in English.) Ryouga: Boy: (smirks) Ryouga: Boy: (sigh) (grabs Ryouga's arm and drags him into one of the restrooms in the mall) Ryouga: Boy: (He turns on the faucet in the sink, scoops up two handfuls of cold water, and splashes Ryouga, who immediately turns into a little black pig. The boy gapes in shock.) P-chan: Bwee. Boy: (splashes hot water on Ryouga, who changes back and gets dressed.) Ryouga: (pales) Boy: Ryouga: Boy: Ryouga: Boy: Ryouga: (thought) I'm beginning to like it here... (spoken) Boy: Ryouga: (turns and leaves) Boy: Man, Bobby would never believe this... (Ryouga runs back in) Ryouga: Boy: (remembers he's talking to a person who's actually from Japan) Ryouga: (leaves) (AUTHOR'S NOTE: For those who are wondering, the boy in the previous scene does actually exist, he's a good friend of mine. He gets all my anime and manga for me, so I figured the least I could do is give him a cameo in one of my fanfics. Also, the video store and shopping center mentioned exist as well. It's on Post Street in San Francisco. :) (Scene cut to Nerima a couple of weeks later. Ranko is flirting with some of Ranma's classmates, who are treating her to all kinds of snacks and presents and basically hovering around her. She's eating it up.) Daisuke: So Ranko, got any plans for tonight? Ranko: (smiling) Well, I dunno, we could... (Ranma drops out of a tree and steps in front of her) Ranko: (has an "Aw man!" look on her face) Oh, hi Da..err, Ranma. Ranma: Don't forget you were going to train with me and Akane tonight at the dojo. Ranko: (smirks) Yeah, yeah. Sorry Daisuke. Guess I'm booked. Maybe another time okay? Daisuke: (crestfallen) Yeah, another time. (Ranma's presence causes all the admirers to scatter.) Ranko: (scowls at Ranma) Dad no baka! I was having fun too! Ranma: (smirks) Yeah, I know your idea of fun. We're not gonna have any of that while you're here, young lady. (blinks) Young lady? Jeez, I sound like my old man... Ranko: (blinks, confused) Huh? You're my old man though. Ranma: (sighs) Nevermind. C'mon let's go home. Ranko: (pouts) Aww, do I gotta? I wanna hang out around town for a while! Ranma: (thinks) well, if I stay with her, she can't get in much trouble... (spoken) Alright, but I'm coming along with you. Ranko: (smiles and kisses him on the cheek) Thanks Dad! Ranma: (sighs) Call me Ranma here, not Dad. Ranko: Okay, I'll call you Ranma, Dad. (Ranma facefaults.) (Scene: Ucchan's. Ranma and Ranko walk in.) Ranma: Hey Ucchan! Ukyou: (running out from the back room) Ranchan! H....(sees Ranko and stops talking, stares at her in shock.) Ranko: (blinks in confusion) What? Is my blouse open or something? (blushes) Oh no, I hope I didn't forget to wear my bra again... Ukyou: Two...TWO Ranchans? Ranko: (blinks) What's a Ranchan? Ranma: She means me, and there's only one of me. Ranko: But you're Ranma and she sees two Ranchans... Ranma: (groans) Let's try this again. Her nickname for me is Ranchan. Ranko: Ooooohhhhhhhh..... (blinks) But why does she say there's two of you? Ranma: (trying not to lose it) Because you look like I looked in my cursed form. Ranko: Whoa really? Ranma: Exactly. Ukyou: Uhhh....excuse me? Can I get in on this conversation or am I just part of the background here? Ranma: Oh, sorry Ucchan. This is Saotome Ranko. Ukyou: (blinks) I didn't know you had a sister. Ranma: I don't. She's my daughter. Ukyou: HUH!? Ranko: Hey I know you! You're the girl from the pool right? Ukyou: (blinks) Ohyeah! I remember now! I thought I dreamed that. So you're Ranchan's daughter eh? Ranko: (smiles and giggles) Yep, that's me! Ukyou: (smiles at her) Nice to meet you! I'm Kuonji Ukyou. Ranko: (gasps) Noway! Not...not THE Kuonji Ukyou? Ukyou: (blinks) Unless there's more than one Kuonji Ukyou. Ranko: (in obvious awe) The queen of okonomiyaki? Ukyou: (blushes at the flattery) Well I guess you could say that... Ranko: (looks like she's going to faint) Wow! I never thought I'd meet the owner of the largest chain of okonomiyaki shops in the world! Ukyou: (blinks) Really? Largest? Ranko: Yeah! I eat at the Ucchan all the time! I'm lucky that I live in Nerima where the Ucchan Museum is! Ukyou: Ucchan Museum? (getting a big starry-eyed grin on her face) Ranko: Yeah! It's not every day a local okonomiyaki cook becomes a worldwide household name! Ukyou: (hops behind the counter) Park it over here sugar! Tell me more while I whip you up a special. Ranko: (swoons. Ranma catches her) Wow....I'm gonna get to eat an okonomiyaki made by Kuonji Ukyou herself...I'm in heaven... (Ranma carries her over to the counter and plops her on a seat) Ranma: I think you have a fan Ucchan. (Ukyou grins.) (Streets of Nerima. We see a ripple in the air, and Ryouga steps out of thin air and walks along the street. He stops, and looks around.) Ryouga: Looks like Japan...better ask. (Sees a guy walking down the street. The guy is wearing a school uniform. Ryouga goes over to him and grabs him by the collar) Where am I? Student: (blinks) Not you again. (we see it's the same guy he grabbed the first time he made it to Furinkan. He points down the street.) Furinkan High School is 7 blocks down that way. You can't miss it. Ryouga: (blinks) Fu...rin...kan...High...School...(gets right in the kid's face) Am I in Nerima? (the guy nods) It's not a dream? I'm not lost again? (the guy nods. Ryouga lets him go) It's a miracle! I made it back! Oh it's so good to be here! It'll be so good to see Akane again...it'll even be good to see Ranma again...it's great to be back in my own reality!! Student: (blinking and staring) Are you...alright? Ryouga: (realizes he's been ranting) Ah..yeah, I'm fine. (walks down the road, passing by Ucchan's Okonomiyaki as he goes. (Meanwhile, inside Ucchan's...) Ranko: Wow, this is even better than back home! Ukyou: Glad you like it! Ranma: (gets up) I gotta take a leak. Be right back. (heads for the bathroom) (Just then Ryouga walks past the door. Ranko notices him pass. A mischevious grin slowly spreads across her face.) Ranko: Aha! The chase is on! Thanks for the okonomiyaki Kuonji-sama! Gotta run! Seeya! (rushes out. Ukyou blinks after her.) Ukyou: What was that all about? (sees Ranko run down the street in the direction she just saw Ryouga go.) Hmm...wonder if she was following him...? (Ranma emerges from the restroom and notices Ranko is missing.) Ranma: Where's Ranko? Ukyou: I dunno, she just ran out of here...I just saw Ryouga go by, I think she was following him. Ranma: (pales) Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh shit. (End credits theme: "Platonic" (Ryouga 'Get her off me!' Mix) (Intermission) (Once again we see the insane writer at his computer typing away and singing Hinageshi. He stops suddenly as something very bouncy whaps him across the back of the head.) Lurker: (without turning) Hi Ranko. Ranko: (giggly cute voice) Heya. Say, you ARE gonna give me a steamy love scene with Ryouga-kun, ain'tcha? Lurker: (thinks for a minute) Well... Ranko: Well? Well? (excited and bouncing up and down) Lurker: Nah. Ranko: (glowing blue) WHY YOU LITTLE--!!!! (An anvil falls on the insane writer. He calmly tilts back his head and opens his mouth VERY wide, swallowing the anvil whole.) Ranko: Hey! No fair! (pouts) Lurker: (grinning) Hey, who do you think taught you the anvil trick, huh? (A giant billboard with an ad for a breast reduction clinic falls on Ranko) Ranko: (from under the billboard) I hate you... (Fade out on writer's maniacal laughter, singing, and typing) (Opening credits theme: "Omoide ga Ippai", sung by Ranko, with opening animation showing Ranko chasing boys and Ranma going nuts trying to rein her in.) (We open on Ryouga walking down the road, looking around for anything resembling the Tendou dojo.) Ryouga: Let's see...I passed Ucchan's back there...Furinkan is off that way... it should be near...(freezes up as something wraps around him from behind, something that feels VERY female.) Wh--what the--? Ranko: (giggly and cutesy) Ryouga-kun! I finally found you! Let's go out together! Ryouga: (turning around and freaking out) R--Ranma!? What the...hey wait, weren't you cured...? What...(pauses again as he sees a very familiar pigtailed boy running up to them yelling) Huh!? (looks down at Ranko, then up at Ranma approaching) What--how--(begins babbling) Ranko: (confused expression) Ryouga-kun? You okay honey? Hey? (hears shouting and turns. Gasps in fright.) SHIT! It's Dad! (grabs Ryouga's arm and takes off running) Come on cutie, let's ditch him. Ryouga: D--Dad? Ranma: (from off in the distance) Dammit! Ranko! Get back here right now! This is your FATHER SPEAKING! RANKOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Ranko: (panting and bouncing like a hundred basketballs) Gotta...lose him... damn dad...never lets me have any fun... Ryouga: Uhh...excuse me? Ranko: Shh...not now...(looks up and sees a nice high roof) Aha...(grabs onto Ryouga tight and launches them both up to the rooftop just before Ranma rounds the corner.) Ranma: (looking around) Dammit. Akane's NOT gonna like this... (Up on the roof, Ranko heaves a sigh of relief, as her chest slowly stops its trampoline impression. Ryouga is blinking in confusion.) Ranko: (panting) Whew...that was close. (smiles at Ryouga) Now, Ryouga-cutie, we can be alone...(leans over and puts her arms around him) Ryouga: (panicking) Uhh...scuse me, who...what, I mean...how... Ranko: What's wrong? Ryouga: You...not Ranma...but Ranma...you....I'm confused... Ranko: (blinks, then blushes) Oh, gosh, I'm sorry! I keep forgetting where I am...(smiles) You don't know me. I'm from the future. Ryouga: (blinks) The...future? Ranko: (nods, beaming) Hai! I'm Saotome Ranko. (looks up at him) And you're that cutie Hibiki Ryouga...you're even cuter young...(leans up and kisses him, then giggles) Ryouga: (in between embarrassment and confusion) Saotome...Ranko? Ranko: Hai! Ryouga: (narrows his eyes) You SURE you're not Ranma? Ranko: (blinks) Of course I'm sure I'm not Dad, why? Ryouga: (blinks many times) D...DAD!? (Ranko nods) Ranma...is your dad? Ranko: Yep. And he doesn't let me have any fun. (gives Ryouga a pouty look) Ryouga: (eyes narrow) What's your idea of fun? Ranko: (grins like a wolf that just found a lame chicken) Let me...show you... (Ryouga eeps as Ranko slides her arms around him and kisses him passionately. He struggles and it looks like his nose is going to fountain, then he slowly gives in and puts his arms around Ranko. She breaks the kiss and looks up at him with longing in her eyes. She reaches down...) (...suddenly her hands are behind her back, clasped by the wrists in an unbreakable grip. Ryouga scampers backward away from the struggling Ranko as she is hauled to her feet by an angry-looking, cold-eyed Ranma.) Ranma: Thought I might find you two on some roof. Ranko: (fake weak smile) D..dad! How nice to see you... Ranma: Save it. We're going home, NOW. (Ranko hangs her head and murmurs agreement. Ranma fixes a glare on Ryouga) Ryouga, here's some advice: stay AWAY from my daughter, got it? Ryouga: (is about to snap an insult but looks into Ranma's eyes and decides against it, gulping) H...hai. Don't worry. I wouldn't think of doing anything with Ranko. I'll be...uhh...getting lost now, yeah. (gets up and takes off.) Ranko: Dad no baka... Ranma: Quiet, you. We'll discuss this at home. (leaves, keeping an iron grip on Ranko.) (End credits theme: "Detachable Penis" (John Bobbitt mix)) (Opening credits theme: "Present", sung by Hibiki Ryouga) (Scene opens on the Tendou family room. The door slides open, and Ranma enters, dragging a wailing Ranko. Akane looks up, and scowls.) Akane: Ranma! What are you doing to Ranko? Ranko: Mom! Dad's being mean! Ranma: (propping Ranko up at the table and bopping her on the head) Quiet, you. (to Akane, voice cold) Ryouga's back in town. Akane: (blinks) Okay, so...(realization dawning) Oh... Ranma: Yeah. Oh. Our dear daughter here found him and tried to... Akane: (holding up a hand) I get the picture. Ranko: (crying) Why can't I have any fun!! Ranma: (stern) Because your idea of fun is illegal in some countries. Ranko: But not in Japan! You and Mom do it all the time! Akane:(blushing) We do NOT! Ranko: Well you do back home! Ranma: (also blushing) Look...just...just don't go near Ryouga again. Please. Ranko: (pouts) You guys suck a lot worse than you do when you're older. (Just then, a squeal is heard as a tiny black piglet trots into the room, heading for Akane.) Akane: P-chan! C'mere baby! Ranma: (muttered) Aw great...he just had to show up here... Ranko: (looking suddenly excited) Cutie!! Akane: (cuddling the pig) Would you like to hold him, Ranko? Ranko: (ecstatic) Yes! Yes! Yes! Please? Can I? Ranma: (grimaces) Oh jeez. (P-chan notices Ranko for the first time and goes pale. He looks up at Ranma, who is scowling at him. He gulps.) Akane: Here you go! (hands the pig to Ranko. Ryouga tries to squirm free, but Ranko gives him a healthy hug, right into her chest. Ryouga almost has a Mount Fuji-esque nosebleed. Ranma has a dark look on his face. Ranko catches this and sticks her tongue out at him, cuddling P-chan closer and tighter. P-chan decides there is nothing he can do for the moment but enjoy being held like this, and nuzzles Ranko's breasts. Ranko giggles and smiles down at him.) Ranma: Akane...c'mere a sec. Akane: What is it Ranma? (the two walk off into the hall) Ranma: Akane, I don't think it's a good idea to let Ranko play with P-chan. Akane: Why not? I mean, he's a pig, what could she do? Ranma: (peeking out into the main room, fights back a gag reflex) Uhh...yeah, sure. What could she do with a pig? (We cut to a shot of the main room. Ranko is holding a passed-out, nose-bleeding P-chan in one hand, giggling and cooing at him as she does things one shouldn't do to a pig with her other hand.) Akane: (smiling reassuringly) Relax. She may be boy-crazy, but she surely wouldn't do anything sick with a pig. Ranma: Yeah. You're right. Sure. Okay. (Meanwhile, Ranko has taken P-chan up to the bathroom.) Ranko: Okay Ryouga-cutie, you're cute in this form but I like you a LOT better as a human so here ya go! (puts him in the bathtub. Instant naked Ryouga. He blushes and tries to cover himself up, sinking into the water and scooting backwards.) Ryouga: Now, Ranko...let's not, I mean, don't do anything you...I...we...just don't...I mean... Ranko: (giggling) Oh come on you silly. (cutesy pout) You do think I'm cute don't you? Ryouga: (goes pale and tries to start a crimson waterfall) Uh, yeah, I mean, uh, no, uh, yes! Yes! Yes, but um, uh, we shouldn't, ah... (Ryouga continues to sound pathetic while Ranko, giggling and smiling cutesy-seductively, quickly undresses and gets in the bath with Ryouga. Ryouga tries to faint but it just isn't working this time.) Ranko: (advancing on him, in a low, sexy voice) You want me. Ryouga: (almost hypnotized) Yes...want...you... Ranko: (moves in for the kill, or at least the kiss) I'm all yours, cutie. (Meanwhile, downstairs) Ranma: (notices Ranko is gone) Hey, where did she go? Akane: (worried) Oh no, P-chan's gone again... Ranma: (realization) Akane, wait here! (He takes off upstairs. Akane ignores him and follows.) (Bathroom. Ranko is guiding Ryouga's hands up to her breasts. Suddenly the door is thrown open. Ryouga goes pale as if in shock. Ranko looks up in annoyance.) Ranko: Dad! Mom! Ranma: (voice hard and cold. You don't want to cross him right now.) I thought so. Akane: Ranko you little...in the bath no less! Ryouga: Eh heh heh, hi, Ranma, hi Akane-san... Ranma: (gaze leveled on Ryouga) Not a word from you, are we clear? Ryouga: (pales...he's never seen Ranma THIS angry before, and Ranma angry in any case is dangerous) Uh...yeah. Akane: Saotome Ranko, you get out of that bath this INSTANT! Ranko: But Mom! Akane: (suddenly doing a full Soun Demon Head) N O W ! ! ! (Ranko cringes, then gets out of the water. Ranma has a nosebleed, which is rare for him. Ryouga decides to enjoy the view while he has a chance, which is unusual for him.) Ranko: Okay mom, I'm out of the bath. (sounding annoyed) Akane: Now dry off and put some clothes on! And NO MORE BOYS!! Ranko: (pissed) Yes, Mom. (dries, dresses, exits. Ranma and Akane follow. Ryouga sits there entranced for a few minutes, then finds the presence of mind to get out of the bath and find some clothes.) (Ending credits theme: Bad Boys by Inner Circle) (yes, I know I can't do that. So screw you. Hahaha!)