Girl Days

---

Part Fourteen

A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction

by Robert Haynie

(Disclaimer, datclaimer, what's the diff?)

Part Fourteen : The World's... WORST?!? (Or, the Obligatory Annoying New Character Bit)

He walked through the rain-swept streets of Nerima like a person walking through the rain-swept streets of Nerima. He wasn't competent enough to do something suitably dramatic.

He tried to shake off the water that was running down his collar and failed. He tried to clean off the mud that had collected on the hem of his tattered raincoat and failed. He tried to add two and two and failed, but he'd come dangerously close to success.

That frightened him. He'd almost got four, and was barely able to steer it to three. Must be using five too much.

Kenchuro Tojo was very careful never to succeed.

It was, after all, the core of his Martial Art.

And he was on the way to the Tendo Dojo, where he hoped to find the most gloriously humiliating defeat of his career.

He wasn't aware that things never quite worked out the way they were supposed to in Nerima.

####

As for the star of these chronicles, she was having a fight. Of course, there's nothing unusual about that. The reason, however, was peculiar even to her.

"Dammit, Mousse, this is stupid!"

"I will NEVER forgive you for this transgression against Shampoo, Saotome!"

"WHAT transgression? Is it MY fault that Shampoo isn't comfortable in jeans? Is it MY fault that I can wear them and she can't?"

"Mousse no get jealous of Ranma! Shampoo no care if Ranma look better in jeans!"

"HE HAS NO RIGHT TO LOOK BETTER THAN YOU IN ANYTHING!"

Just in case it hasn't occurred to any of the honored readers, Mousse subscribed to very much the same school of logic as Ryoga Hibiki and Tatewaki Kuno. Thus the following--

Shampoo had said, idly, that she wished she could wear jeans when Ranma had dropped by for a snack and to pick up some notes on herbs that Cologne had made for her Amazon training. Ranma had asked why she couldn't, and Shampoo had replied that she never really felt comfortable in pants that weren't light-- hence her usual silk pantsuits.

Ranma had nodded, and Shampoo had joked that Ranma looked better in jeans than she did anyhow. Mousse had heard this, and had objected to the idea that ANYONE looked better than Shampoo in ANYTHING.

Ranma had intended to stay out of the argument for once, but Shampoo, annoyed at Mousse for interrupting, had gone on to say that Ranma DID look MUCH better in jeans, and in fact jeans made Shampoo look too wide in the bottom anyhow, and anyway it was none of Mousse's business if Ranma had a better butt for jeans.

This led to the inevitable confrontation, consisting of Mousse trying to kill Ranma for looking good in a pair of snug Levis, Ranma trying very hard not to get killed by Mousse and also trying to keep said Levis in one piece (They are quite expensive in Japan), and Shampoo trying to wallop a infuriated Mousse.

Although Ranma couldn't for the life of her figure out how the fight had moved to the Tendo courtyard. Except that fights did that a lot.

"Is SHE right now, stupid Mousse! Shampoo's butt not Mousse's concern anyhow! Shampoo proud of Ranma in jeans!"

"You ain't helpin', Shampoo!" yelled Ranma, tossing proper ladylike grammar to the winds as she tended to do when attacked by homicidal chainwielding semi-blind transducks.

This was, of course, pretty much the kind of scene that Akane would walk in on. Nowadays, she tried to make sense of things before assigning blame. It didn't always work.

After all, screams of "Die Saotome" and "It's not LIKE that!" weren't unusual. In fact, she'd gotten inured to them, somewhat.

Counter-screams of "Ranma have BEST butt!" were somewhat less explicable.

"What is going ON here?" demanded Akane.

"Stupid Mousse not accept that Ranma have better butt than Shampoo!"

"It's a lie! No butt is nicer than Shampoo's, and I will punish this worm for saying so!"

"I NEVER said that! SHE said that! I don't boast about my butt!"

"Ranma should! Have great butt in both forms!"

"YOU AIN'T HELPING!"

"What are you talking about, Shampoo?" asked a now completely befuddled Akane.

"Girl-type Ranma have best butt! So do boy-type!"

"Are there no end to your perversions, Saotome?" demanded Mousse. "Now you have her convinced that your male butt is better than hers also!"

"Shampoo not talk about HER butt with boy-type! Talk about stupid MOUSSE'S butt!"

"YOU DARE CLAIM TO HAVE A NICER BUTT THAN ME? DIE, SAOTOME!"

"YOU REALLY AIN'T HELPING, SHAMPOO!"

Not too long ago, Akane would have assumed that this was Ranma's fault. She knew that it wasn't always the case now. It was just one of those things.

One of those things that only happened, it seemed, to Ranma.

Although butt arguments weren't something that leapt to mind as a reason for a fight. Then again, this WAS Nerima, and it WAS Ranma, who attracted fights the way a car accident attracted cheap lawyers.

"Oh... Well, when you're done with Mousse, can you help me with my Home Ec homework? I have to make a bento for tomorrow's test."

"So do I-- if I can keep duck-boy from wrecking these jeans! Dammit, they're borrowed!"

(So, that's what's taking her so long,) mused Akane. "Oh, well, I'll be back in a second."

"Liar! You fear me, that's why you're dodging my blows!"

"Fear you? Not likely! These are Nabiki's jeans, and I don't wanna have to pay for them!"

"What a pitiful excuse for quack!"

Akane stood in the doorway with her now empty bucket. "Shampoo, would you take Mousse home until he calms down?"

"Shampoo glad to. Come on, stupid duck."

"Quack! Quack quack qu-quack!"

As the two Amazon teens (or rather, one Amazon and a Peking Duck) left, Akane asked, curiously, "I don't suppose you can explain what THAT was all about?"

"No. You don't. I can't. 'Cause I'm not really certain myself."

####

Kenchuro Tojo approached the Tendo residence, and peered at the sign that requested challengers to the Dojo to knock at the back door. He wasn't trying to challenge the dojo as such-- just one person in it-- so Kenchuro decided to announce his presence in another fashion.

First, he set up a small but quite colorful remote controlled fireworks display. He then changed into his fighting uniform and pulled out a bullhorn.

"ATTENTION TENDO DOJO! I WISH TO CHALLENGE THE REDOUBTABLE RANMA SAOTOME TO A BOUT! IN HONOR OF THIS MATCH, I WILL SING 'THE YELLOW ROSE OF TEXAS' IN LITHUANIAN WHILE DOING AN IRISH JIG!"

This was, of course, completely the wrong way to go about issuing a challenge. Especially at three o'clock in the morning.

After setting off the fireworks, which for some reason made a picture of a potato, Kenchuro went into his performance. He sang off key, used the wrong tune, and mistranslated the lyrics anyway. What he called an Irish Jig was closer to Appalachian Clog Dancing, and didn't look right in what he considered a fighting outfit.

Ranma, thankful that this was a night she could wear pajamas, dragged on a robe and went downstairs to see what the hell was going on, followed by the rest of the household. Excepting Genma, who could sleep through the end of the world if he wasn't being directly attacked or offered food.

She opened the door and stared at what seemed to be someone in a pink gorilla outfit having some sort of spasm.

"Not happening. Dream. Gotta be. Too stupid not to be." She turned to drag herself back to her waiting, friendly futon.

"Hey, where are you going? I haven't finished my challenge ritual yet!" complained the pink gorilla.

"Like Ranma said," muttered Nabiki. "We're going back to bed, mister stupid dream. And that's the tune to the William Tell Overture anyhow."

"Hey, wait-- aren't you going to respond to my challenge with a flurry of athletic violence?"

"Don't have to," yawned Akane. "Neighbors'll do jus' fine." Without a further word, the assembled Tendos and Saotomes went back to bed.

Kenchuro stared in shock. Normally, his patented ritual would start a fight right then and there.

As the neighbors suddenly descended on him with various kitchen tools and implements of damage, he realized that it had PARTLY worked.

####

"Damn, what a weird dream I had last night." Ranma yawned at the breakfast table.

"Me too," nodded Nabiki.

"Oh, you also? Mine was very strange also. I don't often have silly dreams, though."

Akane yawned herself. "Kasumi, it can't be anything like the one I had about a pink gorilla."

There was a crack of chopsticks snapping all around as everyone but Genma stared at Akane. Then a storm of questions.

"Dancing pink gorilla?"

"You call that dancing?"

"A fiery potato?"

"Oh, man, it WASN'T a dream," sighed Ranma. "There's a new idiot in town."

Nodoka stared at her daughter/son. "Ranma, someone like that is something beyond idiot. That person had to be stranger than that Tsubasa boy or your principal."

"I don't suppose you remember doing anything to get a pink gorilla angry at you, do you?' asked Nabiki, wondering what sort of odds to set-- or if anyone would bother betting on this.

"I don't remember a pink gorilla period. I'm pretty certain there's no Spring of Drowned Talking Pink Gorilla at Jyusenkyo. I have seen some pretty weird things, but that was the all time top contender."

"It isn't your fault, Ranma. I know it isn't," decided Akane. "Something that silly can't be ANYONES fault. Dancing pink gorillas challenging you to a fight at three AM is too stupid for anyone."

"Can't see how I missed that one," mumbled Genma from around a mouthful of pickled turnips. "Was it a good fight, at least?"

"I didn't fight it, I just went back to bed. I wonder who--"

Genma choked for a moment, and then coughed up the pickle. "You-- you refused a challenge?"

"Challenge my butt! I thought it was a really stupid dream!"

"Even in your dreams, boy--"

"Girl," corrected Nodoka.

"Whatever! You NEVER refuse a challenge!"

"Dancing pink gorillas with bad singing voices and vegetable themed fireworks displays does not constitute a challenge, pops! Especially not at three o'clock in the morning on a school night! If you want a fight, YOU accept the challenge, a panda and a gorilla would make a perfect match!"

"I'd pay to see that," Akane murmured.

"I'd sell tickets to it," added Nabiki.

"Oh, my... if Gorilla-san comes back and presents a proper challenge... I shall have to get some bananas in case," Kasumi decided.

Soun sat quietly, so confused by the discovery that last night's dream hadn't been one he neglected to weep.

And Nodoka realized that the probability of her ever really catching up to the strangeness that permeated Ranma's life was growing more and more infinitesimal day by day...

####

Ranma had one of her bad feelings on the way to school that morning. As she glided along the fencerail, Akane following closely, she was keeping an eye out for pink gorillas.

Thus, she failed at first to see Kuno preparing yet another monument to Romance and Stupidity.

"Ranma, what do you think that is?" Akane inquired, pointing at a large tarpaulin covered object.

"Search me. Could be anything. Maybe it's a hidden gorilla. Think we should check it out?"

"Um... no?"

"Good answer. Probably the loony principal's latest idea."

"What makes you say that?"

Ranma pointed to a packing crate that read "Hawaii". "Feminine intuition?"

"Very cute. Well, lets get to class."

####

Tatewaki Kuno grinned, knowing that his heartfelt tribute to the beauty and charm of his twin loves would surely win them to his side and away from the foul blandishments of the sorcerer Saotome.

Blandishments. He liked that word. It had a majestic ring to it.

He wasn't exactly certain what it meant, but it had a majestic ring.

At lunchtime, his destiny would be assured.

For once, he was right.

####

The Helpers and their charge (Ranma) were performing the usual swap unusual varieties of food game that they had gotten into the habit of playing at lunch. Even the non-martial artists were performing, trying to bring something unusual to trade. So as Hiroshi produced some American style spare-ribs left over from the previous evening (his father had discovered the wonders of the barbecue) and Daisuke supplied extra hot korean-style pickled cabbage (You know, kimchi), Sayuri had made genuine lemonade and Yuka was shaking a oversize thermos of hot rice chowder.

The simple bento box of rice, pickles, and some leftover fish that was traditional was for this gang way in the past.

Speaking of rice, Akane had finally mastered that particular staple. In fact, she had bought three extra boxes of it. (Quality she'd mastered. Quantity she had yet to get a handle on, and accidentally made either twice as much as needed or half as much as necessary. Kasumi quietly took care of half as much, and with Ranma and Genma, no-one ever noticed twice as much.)

"This rice yellow," Shampoo said doubtfully.

"Hey, it's something Akane discovered by accident, but it's pretty good. She added a bouillon cube." Ranma returned to her yellowish rice.

"It was a lucky accident, really," Akane added. "A couple fell in the water, but it makes a nice chicken flavor. Just for a change."

"Isn't a bad taste, sugar. A bit different, but not bad," Ukyo noted. It made perfect sense to her that Akane would cook something new, different, and tasty by accident.

"What's that big thing under the canvas?" wondered Yuka.

"Ranma figures it's something from the principal, because of the crates from Hawaii," replied Akane.

"But isn't the idiot still laid up with that broken ankle?"

Ranma shrugged. "I thought so too, but who else has access to Hawaiian stuff? Only him and... Akane, did you notice we didn't get hassled by Kuno this morning?"

Akane went a bit blue in the face. "Oh, no... it can't be anything like that stunt with the flowers, can it?"

"We ARE talking about Tatewaki Kuno, the Chartreuse Flatulence of Furinkan High," Ranma replied.

"Chartreuse... snicker... heehehehe..." Akane began to redefine giggle. After a second the rest followed except for Shampoo, who looked slightly blank.

"Shampoo not know those words?"

"Chartreuse is a sort of a blue-green, and flatulence, is, well, you know, gas?" Ukyo tried to explain from in between chuckles.

"Gas?"

Yuka blushed. "Hai... you know, personal gas."

Shampoo looked blank.

"Like from a lot of beans," Daisuke supplied helpfully, to be elbowed by Hiroshi.

Shampoo paused. "Oh. Shampoo understand. Excuse Shampoo."

The group watched as Shampoo walked over to Kuno, who was directing various Kendo club members in final preparation of his grand tribute.

"Shampoo have question for stick-boy."

Kuno scowled. "The Chinese girl. My name is not, as you so wrongly term it, Stick-boy. But if you desire the fruits of my erudition, it is only meet that I grant you the solace of improving your limited knowledge."

"Not want fruit. Want ask question."

Kuno sighed. "Very well, ask away."

"Stick-boy called Blue Thunder sometimes, right?"

"I have, at certain moments, indeed been known by that most descriptive cognomen."

"That mean you called Blue Thunder sometimes?"

"Yes."

"Why you change to Green Fart? Not sound as good."

The sound of the crickets was positively deafening.

Kuno was so stunned at the question he forgot to unveil his tribute...

####

Kenchuro made his way to the ground of Furinkan High, where he'd been informed that many skilled martial artists attended classes. Perhaps there he would find the notorious Ranma, as well as others to assist in his plan to create the ultimate martial art.

Deciding that the gorilla suit, usually his favorite, had not performed properly, he now chose one of his other alternate outfits.

Hiroshi turned at a tap on the shoulder to stare in sheer disbelief at what appeared to be a person wearing full lime green SCUBA gear with a electric punk tutu over it. And Deely-boppers on the hood.

"Excuse me," the apparition asked, "Can you direct me to the martial artist known as Ranma Saotome?"

"Ranma?"

"Yes, I intend to challenge him to a bout."

Hiroshi shook his head. "Dressed like that?"

"Yes, he apparently didn't respect my pink gorilla suit."

"I can't imagine why. Anyhow, right now he's a she-- and at least for two weeks more, I think. But you can meet her after class, I guess. Or any of the others also."

"Others, yes. Can you tell me anything about them?"

"Well, there's Akane, she's pretty good-- Ranma's student, I hear. Then there's Ukyo Kuonji, she's the girl who looks like a boy, which isn't the same as Ranma who looks like a girl because she IS a girl even if she's really a boy. And then there's Shampoo, who looks like a girl because she really is a girl, and then there's Tatewaki Kuno, the Green Fart. He used to be called the Blue Thunder, but he changed his name. Oh, and Mousse or Ryoga might show up at any time, but you can't count on them."

Kenchuro blinked audibly. "I... see." Such a strange sounding group-- could some of them also be on the path of failure? Could others have seen his great insight?

"Anyway, lunch breaks over almost, so I have to get back to class. Excuse me." Hiroshi bowed politely to the apparent lunatic and left, thinking, (Ranma has GOT to hear about THIS guy.)

Kenchuro sat, to wait. For those plan to fail, patience is every bit as important as it is to those who plan to succeed.

####

Hinako Ninomiya stared out the window at a sight that even she found difficult to credit. And being a reasonably intelligent person, decided to ask the one possible source of information she knew of that could possibly explain such a thing.

"Ranma, could you come here and tell me what that thing is on the lawn?"

Ranma joined the diminutive teacher at the window, peered carefully, thought a while, peered again, and replied, "You got me. Looks like a scuba diver in a tutu, but it can't be that, can it?"

Silence.

"Yeah, right. This IS Nerima. Maybe that guy knows the pink gorilla."

"At any rate, we should begin class now... back to your seats, everyone. Now, page 147, please..."

####

Scuba gear in warm weather is not comfortable.

####

In Japanese schools, rather than change rooms for different classes, the students stay in the same room and the teachers move about. There's a roughly ten minute period between classes, during which students chat, talk, prepare for the next class, adjust hair, play short games, and in Furinkan, sometimes fight, eat, or (in Ranma's case) catch a quick catnap.

Well, not catnap, but just nap. Ranma had her standards.

The history teacher entered, and paused as he adjusted the windowshades to his liking. "Miss Saotome, could you tell me what that is out on the lawn?"

"Search me. I don't know anything about it."

"Um, Ranma," Hiroshi said, "I might..."

####

Actually, it's more than merely uncomfortable.

####

By now, between classes rituals were dropped in favor of staring at the oddly dressed figure on the lawn.

"Like I said, he was asking about you and the other martial artists."

"You're sure he said gorilla suit, Hiro?" Ranma was getting one of her patented bad feelings.

"Yep. So, you think this is the weirdo you mentioned from last night?"

"Has to be. But how does he expect to fight in a getup like that?"

Akane gazed out the window in awe. "I don't know, but he must be pretty tough to sit there in that SCUBA suit in this hot weather. Don't take him too lightly, Ranma."

"I don't intend to."

####

In fact, it can be positively hellish. It's like wearing a sauna glued to your skin that you can't leave.

####

"Well, I'm just glad we didn't have PE today. Anyone who's willing to fight in an outfit like that has got to be tough. Not that I can't take him, of course, but still..."

"Such ladylike humility," quipped Akane.

"What ladylike? I'm a tomboy, and darn proud of it." Ranma tossed her head, grinning.

"What humility, you mean," Ukyo teased.

Akane shook her head. No matter what else might have changed, Ranma's ego was still as intact as ever. Oddly, she didn't think she'd really want that part to change. Well, not very much.

"Anyhow, I suppose I'd better find out what this fellow wants," Ranma added.

"I told you, he wants a fight," interjected Hiroshi.

"Yeah, but what kind? Some weird underwater ballet fu? It's definitely not a normal fighting style..."

As Ranma approached the strange figure, she decided that anything was possible.

Better be prepared for anything.

"So... you're issuing a challenge?" she asked the oddly clad figure.

The challenger looked vaguely in her direction. His SCUBA mask had fogged over, and his breathing was ragged. Three hours in the hot sun in a full body neoprene wetsuit isn't, as noted above, exactly conducive to personal comfort. Kenchuro was half-steamed-- not in anger, but in cooking terms.

"After I fall down for a while, miss."

Which he did.

Ranma gazed upon the prone figure for a moment, and then shrugged. "Akane, give me a hand with taking this goof to the nurses' office, 'kay? I GOT to hear his story..."

####

"Heat exhaustion. What with a 20 kilogram SCUBA tank on his back and this tutu adding an extra layer of insulation to full body neoprene, it's a miracle he's this well. I don't suppose that any of you have any idea why he's dressed like this?"

Ranma nodded at the nurse. "Hai, he's a loony."

"That judgment may be a bit premature, Miss Saotome," the nurse chided.

"Bets?" As Ranma explained the events of the previous night to the nurse, she began to twitch slightly around the eye.

"All right, he IS a loony. Not that is new to this ward or school... well, help me get this off him, please."

As Ranma helped the nurse undress the unconscious challenger (Being the only girl there who was completely at ease with such an action, she was alone with the nurse and the patient), the strangeness of the situation began to get stranger.

"A tattoo reading 'My other fish is a coyote'? What is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know, Nurse. What are you staring at now?"

"His... undergarments. They are... eccentric."

"Oh? How so?"

"They seem to be half a pair of boxers sewn to half a pair of bikini-style panties. Blue ones with lace."

"Blue lace panties?"

"The boxers, actually. The panties seem to be made out of denim."

Ranma shuddered at the discomfort inherent in denim panties. "What is WRONG with this guy?"

"As you so accurately diagnosed, Miss Saotome, he's a loony. Ah, a wallet-- there's a card in here."

"What does it say?"

"In case of emergency, eat a live chicken and then dance the lambada."

"This goes beyond being a loony. We are in total maniac area here."

"I'm not a loony," the patient said weakly. "I'm a martial artist."

"Yeah, right. What kind of martial arts is this idiocy supposed to be in aid of?" asked Ranma, scornfully.

"Baka-ken."

Silence.

Then, "Baka-ken? Idiot Fist? What the hell kind of martial art is THAT?" Ranma was downright offended.

"Brilliant stylistic conceptualization... greatest idea in the martial arts ever... I'm the originator and only practitioner."

"Only practitioner I can believe. What are you trying to do with gorilla suits and aquatic tutus?"

"I'm trying to become the greatest martial artist on Earth."

"And how is all this stupidity going to do that?" asked the trainee girl, for a moment genuinely curious.

"By helping me to become the WORST martial artist on Earth."

Outside the clinic door, Akane, Ukyo, Shampoo, Hiroshi, Daisuke, Yuka, and Sayuri all facefaulted from where they were eavesdropping. So did the nurse. As for Ranma, she just stood very still, and then said the only thing she could.

"You ARE a loony."

####

"What a freak."

For once, that comment hadn't come from Ranma, but Akane. As she idly balanced on the fencerail (what had been a trial was not almost second nature to her) she mused on the apparently insane Kenchuro Tojo.

"He must have some idea. I can't figure out what the hell it could be, but he must have some idea. Some trick, or plan, or... he can't actually MEAN it the way he SAID it, could he?" grumbled Ranma. "I mean, that's just plain stupid. More than stupid. Loony."

"You've pointed that out more than once, Ranma."

"Well... It IS loony. The looniest thing I ever heard of, INCLUDING anything that Pop ever thought up. It's super loony. It's ultra loony. It's--"

"It is not loony. It's sheer brilliance."

Once again, the possible loony in question had arrived, this time dressed in a nearly perfect replica of the sort of idealized version of the all around Renaissance Man costume from the Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch about the sinking ship. Ranma, having never seen the program in question, simply shrugged, and said, "Is TOO loony. You make Kodachi look sane, and that's saying a lot."

"I don't know who that is, but the Baka-ken is not loony! It is a new and innovative path to mastery of the mind, heart, body and spirit!"

"It is a new and innovative path to looniness, you mean." It was apparent that on this particular subject, Ranma's mind was made up. Then again, so was the minds of nearly every other martial artist at Furinkan, most of the non-martial artists, and the lady who sold sandwiches at lunch. Kenchuro's outfit was pretty convincing on that bit.

"Just because you can't see the sheer magnificence of my path doesn't make it loony!" Kenchuro protested. "They laughed at Fernbeister, you know!"

"Who?"

"Emilio Fernbeister, the inventor of the solar powered flashlight!"

Akane paused. "Um... wouldn't a solar powered flashlight only work during the daytime?"

Kenchuro hesitated, and replied, "All right, bad example. How about Mao Khu Leng?"

Ranma thought a moment. "Oh, yeah. Cologne was telling me about him. Worst alchemist in Chinese history. Tried to create an invincible army out of candied yams. Died when attacked by a horde of starving peasants in the Leung dynasty."

"Emperor Norton?"

"Who?"

Pause. "Never mind. But it's still not loony!"

"Well, let's get a second opinion. Follow us." (Pops has GOTTA meet this guy...)

####

Say what you will about Genma Saotome, there was one thing that could be held to his credit. He was an excellent teacher of the Art. When he wasn't doing something extremely stupid, that is.

"Let me see... so your idea is to become the world's worst possible martial artist while still technically BEING a martial artist, and there by passing straight through pathetic inadequacy through to the other side, becoming in a flash the greatest martial artist that the world has ever known?"

"Exactly! Finally, someone who understands!"

Genma paused, looked at his friend Soun, and sighed. "Ranma's right. You're a loony."

Soun nodded. "Cracked. Demented. A few grains short of a full rice bowl."

"Yup, your record's skipped a groove all right," Nabiki added cheerfully.

"Would you like some more tea, Loony-san?" asked Kasumi, as even she couldn't deny the fact that Kenchuro wasn't firing on all cylinders.

"I AM NOT A LOONY!" the loony protested. "I'M JUST MISUNDERSTOOD!"

"You're perfectly understood. We all understand that you're a loony," Ranma retorted.

"My path is perfectly philosophically sound!"

"Your path includes gorilla suits, obscure dances, and hermaphroditic underwear," replied Nabiki. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"By idiocy I can become wise! The path of success through failure applies to all areas of life except making grilled cheese sandwiches!"

Silence.

Then, Ranma said, "I ain't gonna ask."

"Well, I am," Nabiki said. "Why grilled cheese sandwiches?"

"I like them."

Nabiki looked nonplussed at this simple answer.

"Anyhow, lad," Genma suggested, "You may wish to rethink your plans. Even if they did work it would make no sense to challenge my son--"

"Daughter," Nodoka put in.

"WhatEVER, Nodoka. The point is, if you are trying to be the worst martial artist in history, what would challenging Ranma prove?"

"Because he's supposed to be a really lousy martial artist himself as well as a crossdresser."

"Crossdresser I can see-- it's not accurate, but I can understand where that idea could happen. But where did you get the idea that he was a bad fighter?" Nabiki asked in genuine confusion, while Ranma blinked and began to fume at the insult.

"That's what the Chinese guy said."

"WHAT Chinese guy?" snarled Ranma.

"The one wearing pantyhose around his neck. As soon as I saw that, I knew he was on the same path as I was, but not as advanced."

"Is he by any chance in the area?" Ranma was about to grab her leathers and kill a certain yak-boy.

"No, he was in Hokkaido catching a freighter to Antarctica to get his name changed. I don't know why he'd want to go there, but..."

"I'll beat him later, then," Ranma growled. "Pantyhose Taro no Baka."

"Well, I'm sorry to disillusion you," Akane added, "But Ranma isn't a bad fighter after all. In fact, she's, well, good."

"But he is a crossdresser?"

"No, he's a girl. I mean she's a girl. For the moment. Never mind, it's too hard to explain," Akane sighed. She really didn't want to get into an explanation of Ranma's curse with the loony.

Kenchuro paused, and then grinned wildly. "Oh, Jyusenkyo!"

"What? You know about the Cursed Pools?" Soun asked, surprised.

"Oh, sure. Tried to go there to train once."

"Ah, but the guide managed to explain about the curses beforehand, and you at least escaped their horror," Genma said, sagely.

"No, actually, I was hoping to get cursed, but the Amazons wouldn't let me into the grounds. Something about my being a chu-loofa, whatever that is."

"A... what?" Genma asked.

"Chu-loofa. Another thing I picked up from Cologne in my Amazon lessons," Ranma said sourly. "It's not proper Chinese, but an obscure slang term in the Jokuzetsu dialect."

"Ah. And what does it mean, Ranma?"

"Loony."

"Will you stop calling me a loony, please?" Kenchuro begged, aggrieved.

"No problem, chu-loofa," Ranma smirked.

"Argh."

"Ranma, don't tease the loony," Akane scolded.

"THAT'S an improvement?" Kenchuro whined.

"Anyhow, you can see what I mean, Pops. No WAY can you say THIS is a valid challenge," Ranma said confidently.

"I am forced to agree, Ranma. Kenchuro-san, I'm sorry, but for the sake of the self respect of the Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts, my so-- ah, child cannot accept your, ah, challenge. It is obvious that to enter into combat with you would be a shameful abuse of the Art."

"But... but... where's my brilliant defeat? Where's my humiliating failure? How can I possibly perfect my new style?"

Nabiki smiled. "Actually, for a mere ten thousand yen, I can tell you how to turn this into your greatest defeat ever..."

####

And so it was that Kenchuro resumed his drive into mediocrity with a happy heart, secure in the knowledge that he was so pathetic that his challenge had been refused by a person known to never refuse a challenge on the grounds that he was a loony. Indeed, he had been effectively defeated without even being touched at all. And better, he'd been defeated by a girl.

####

The next morning, Ranma and Akane arrived at school to see an infuriated Kuno yelling at the Kendo Club. "There was no need to change the banners in the practice hall! How could you possibly believe such calumny in the first instance?"

"But everyone says--"

"What care I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder-- and it IS Blue Thunder, curse it-- for what the rabble proclaims in it's ignorance?"

"I dunno," one club member mused, "Green Fart has a ring to it..."

An enraged Kuno began to chase the offending kendoist, once again forgetting to unveil his tribute.

####

Author's Notes--

The most hated thing in Ranma fanfics is the ANC, or Annoying New Character, which is usually (If not always) an author avatar with positively obscene martial arts abilities as well as psionics, magic, and a golf bag full of magical weaponry. The idea that a BAD martial artist would arrive is, as far as I know, something of a new one.

And just in case anyone was wondering, Kenchuro IS a loony.

Part Fifteen coming soon!