Girl
Days
Part Thirteen
By Kenko
Girl Days
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Robert Haynie
(You know, I'm beginning to run out of silly disclaimer jokes.)
Part 13: Giant Worshiping Crisis Battle To Determine The Fate Of Man! (But unlike some fanfic, strangely without a tragic death.)
####
When you talk about fundamental universal forces, people bring up things like gravity, electricity, kinetics, and the like.
Somehow they miss the most powerful of all--
Irony.
For example, it's fairly ironic that the single greatest threat to the stability and safety of Earth was not an extradimensional demonic force ala Queen Beryl, or an invasion fleet from another star like the Gamilons, or a gigantic monster such as Godzilla, but rather a sort of redneck-type named Fred Yerfburger.
It's also ironic that the main defense against said redneck wasn't a heroic magical girl team, or a crew of self-sacrificing young people on a starship, or a single lone brilliant scientist, but a ragtag group of frankly weird as hell martial artists who at the moment weren't feeling quite themselves. Because in a very real sense they weren't.
Maybe it's not irony. Maybe it's just that Kami-sama likes a really good joke as much as the next embodiment of a cosmic principle.
Whatever it is, it was about to go into overdrive.
####
"We know where he's set up."
In situations like this, leaders emerge. True, they usually aren't dressed in a bustier and miniskirt, but they do emerge. And as so often before, Ranma Saotome was somehow the leader.
Kuno thought he was the leader, actually, but everyone else knew different. Besides, it seemed that Ranma was probably the closest to being normal.
Normal at the moment was a very relative term. Ranma was usually a very easygoing sort, but right now she was exhibiting a stubborn streak and a uncharacteristic temper. It was probably her usually strong sense of personal identity that hadn't subsumed her totally in the role of Priss Asagiri.
Compared to the unusually meek Akane, the rough talking Kuno, the elegant and demure Shampoo, the highly belligerent Ukyo and Konatsu, the bizarrely suave Gosunkugi, the oddly female Mousse, the sudden martial arts pair of Daisuke and Hiroshi, the downright dangerous pair of Yuka and Sayuri, and the technically perfectly normal for her but bound and gagged Kodachi, there really wasn't much else in the arena of choice.
"The problem we have," continued the trainee girl turned rock star and Knight Saber, "Is that he's probably already setting up some sort of citadel, according to Sailor Mer-- ah, Akane's readings. Cologne and Mom agree. We're going to have a tough time of it, because anyone who can do something like this is going to be powerful, and we don't have an army or anything--"
"Actually, we do," interrupted Luna-P.
"What? Where do you figure that?"
Luna-P merely pointed a paw. And Ranma realized that she had at her beck and call tons of sentai heroes, cowboys (complete with working six-shooters and horses), samurai, magical girls, mecha pilots (complete with mecha), superheroes, newly empowered videogame martial artists, and even the bleeding Dirty Pair.
"Um... I don't think it's fair to ask them to risk their lives in this--"
"Try and stop us," yelled a cowboy. "Me and my pals wanna show that there gaijin critter a good old necktie party, and every one of us can shoot the wings off'n a fly at fifty paces!"
"Same here! I'm itching to use these Esper powers!"
"Hai! Our honor requires that we do battle!" yelled a few samurai and videogame characters.
"I got a MOSPEADA and I ain't afraid to use it!"
"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!"
Heads turned at the last. Nabiki, the new take on the term "Bunny Girl", stomped up in her high heels and snarled past her adorably cute pink nose. "I'm coming too! And don't try to talk me out of it, Saotome--"
Here the author inserts an explanation. Most people think of rabbits as cute peaceful creatures-- unless they have read Watership Down.
DOMESTIC rabbits may be that way, but wild rabbits can be quite belligerent, fight ruthlessly, and are pretty tough for something on their link of the food chain.
And Nabiki, who would normally stay back and say that it's not her problem, was at the moment in full blown berserk wild rabbit mode.
"Nabiki," Ranma said reasonably, "You can't fight-- not really. You haven't trained in years. You don't even have a weapon."
"Fine! Any of you have a spare weapon?"
Mousse stood up. "No problem." And to the amazement of most (not all, but damn near) she casually pulled out from her fatigue jacket a pistol belt and handgun. That was followed by a bandoleer of extra clips, an assault rifle similar to the one she was carrying, three grenades and a combat knife. "Have fun."
"Still the master-- or mistress-- of hidden weapons, I guess..." Ranma murmured as Nabiki changed from bunny girl to heavily armed and lethal bunny girl.
Someone punched up "Girls with Guns" on the karaoke machine and was dogpiled immediately thereafter.
"Well, okay. It's your tail."
"Damn straight-- and I want to get rid of it!"
"That knife looks sharp..." Another dogpile.
Ranma rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. Now... we have to figure out how we're going to do this, since we have more combatants than I thought..."
####
Fred was not happy. For some reason, he couldn't take over the mind of ANYONE in Nerima. Since he was destined to rule the world, this did not make sense.
Well, there were always other ways to skin a planet. The simple creation of massive amounts of minor golems to do his bidding and to spread fear and terror amongst the no doubt disoriented populace was something he COULD do. That, at least, the massive amounts of magical energy could be bent to.
And he could even create a few giant monsters to add to the fun and begin his campaign against, oh, China or Russia. THAT would be easy.
Jkkrlps, Fred's demon familiar, was shaking her head. She was bound to a loser, she just knew it. Story of her not-exactly-a-life.
Where other demons were properly hideous (as in the case of the Lords of Hell) or seductive (as in the case of the Succubi and Incubi) or strangely disturbing for reasons no one can put their fingers on (as in the case of Bill Gates) She was... was...
Kawaii.
Oh, the shame of it. Where others had fearsome batlike or dragonlike wings that dripped in decay and menace, she had something that was vaguely batlike but seemed to evoke the image of a butterfly. Where a succubus would be properly voluptuous and dressed in either diaphanous silks or scant leather and chrome, the best she could do is a girl-next-door prettiness and an outfit not unlike that of a magical girl. And she was about as disturbing as a well shot photograph of a puppy and a kitten or a really really fresh piece of cheesecake with strawberries.
Tjbndf was not a happy demon at all. And to top it all off, she was bound to the ONLY sorcerer she knew of who didn't like beer. And brother, she could use a beer.
"Master," Ktjhsf said, uncertainly, "What are your plans now?"
"Well, the usual backup. A mass of faceless minions to terrorize the populace, and a few large monsters. That I can do, anyway. If I didn't know better, I'd think the folks at home were behind this cockup."
"Oh, I am certain they aren't, Master." (I'm certain it's your own incompetence.)
"At any rate, it won't be too much of a problem. What could go wrong?"
Outside, there was an ominous roll of thunder (tm).
####
The massed forces of Team Nerima moved out.
And we are talking SERIOUS massed forces here.
One problem would have been communications, but Luna-P had solved that.
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.
"Man, how many of those communicators do you HAVE?" asked Ranma, honestly impressed.
"I don't know, but we need as many as we can get," panted a tired Luna-P. "I also have a few extra computers, about a hundred henshin sticks that probably won't work because no-one here's reborn from the Silver Millennium, three spare seifuku, a copy of the Sailor Moon RPG and Resource Book, about a ton of roses of various colors, and a cheese sandwich. I don't know why that's in there."
"I just wish they weren't so girly," complained Kuno.
"Look, these things were designed for magical girls in the first place, you expected black enamel and chrome? Pink and rhinestones go with the package, whip-boy."
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.
"What'd ya pop that out for?"
"I got hungry," Luna-P retorted, starting in on the cheese sandwich.
####
"See? There goes my great giant monster! There goes my masterpiece of fear and terror! There goes... goes... goes..."
Fred boggled at his scrying crystal.
"There goes your great giant monster being dogpiled by three giant robots. A Gundam, a Valkyrie VF-17, and what looks like a female Mazinger. If I'm not mistaken, oh great and powerful master," Ggkqql said dryly.
"You're being sarcastic or something, right?"
"I wouldn't DREAM of it, dread lord."
"Oh, that's all right then." Fred scowled. "Hmm... looks like my minions aren't doing very well either. I didn't know they had cowboys in Japan."
"It's a rather advanced nation, oh powerful one," Hghhlk replied.
"What are those?"
"Samurai, if I'm not mistaken. Well, samurai, half of a sentai team, and someone in armor on a motorcycle. But your forces are holding them back, more or less. Certainly you have time to finish taking over Japan."
"Good. Then the world after that."
Ptyllkk blinked. "The... the world?"
"Yep. Gonna take over the world."
"But cosmic law prohibits--"
"Gonna break that law," grinned Fred.
Ctlmmrt shuddered. To take over a nation was possible-- in fact, rather simple. But the world--
No WONDER things were going wrong.
She wasn't bound to a loser after all. She was bound to an idiot. And she couldn't get away from him.
"Oh, nice dress, by the way. The pink lace and the yellow ribbon go nice together," added Fred.
An insensitive idiot at that. Why her?
####
Kasumi paused. There had to be at least twenty of the things. Ugly as sin, and not nearly as moral. She'd faced challenges in her life, before, but this was likely to be the biggest ever.
Didn't matter. She was the best at what she did.
She grinned, flexed her fists, and popped her claws.
And in a downright feral tone, murmured, "Oh, my..."
Because what she did was...
####
"What are those idiots DOING?!?"
Llshyq was boggled herself. "I... I think they are having a tea party with a mutant?"
####
...Was make people feel right at home.
"Another cup of tea, Minion-san?"
The faceless minion nodded. So did a few others.
"Glad ya like it. My own blend, y'know. You guys ain't bad for a bunch of faceless creeps-- no offense intended, but that doesn't seem like much of a way to live your lives."
A squealing grunt.
"Oh, really? Guess you ain't exactly alive at that. Glad ya accepted my invite though... would have hated to have to dice you guys up, but you know how it is."
Nods. And a pack of ferocious faceless minions went back to their tea cookies. One got slapped upside the head by another for forgetting to use the doily.
####
"Infiltration team one, are you in position?"
Infiltration Team One was Kuno and Gosunkugi, chosen because if there were two people who were known for getting into places where they were not meant to be, it was Indiana Jones and James Bond. "Team One ready," Gosunkugi drawled in his now cultured tones. "All we have to do is figure out how... will contact as soon as determination is made."
"We should have KNOWN his base was here," sighed Kuno.
"Rather agree with you there, old chap," nodded Gosunkugi.
It was changed, as most of Nerima was. Taller, spikier, gothic as all Hell (in an almost literal sense), it looked like a cross between a Universal Studios Dracula castle and something out of Demon City Shinjuku with a fair amount of Vampire Hunter D tossed in for seasoning.
But it was still recognizable as Furinkan High School.
"The problem we have, Professor Kuno, is how exactly we are to get up to that top window. Hmm... let me see what I actually have here..."
Kuno's patience was wearing thin. His fists began to clench in frustration, his eyebrows knit. Idly he fingered a whip in one hand and a bokken in the other. "I still say that we should just go into the front door."
"That's for the heavy assault people, old chap. We're supposed to be taking the high route. Now, how do we get up there..."
Kuno leaned over to complain. He should have watched his elbow.
CLICK.
"WHAAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHEIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"
Gosunkugi watched the now rocketing Kuno, who had accidentally triggered the ejection seat. "Not quite how I would have done it, but it seems to be working..."
Kuno's opinion was different. After the few obligatory thoughts of "I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die", Jones-type instincts took over. Almost without thought his bullwhip snaked out at the peak of his flight, snagging the arcane looking spire that had grown out of the belltower. Easily he swung over to the belltower-- and smashed into the side full-face.
After a quiet "Ite", he found a rope in the tower and lowered it to the secret agent below. He then helped said agent up, dusted himself off, and hit Gosunkugi with his bokken, snarling, "Why didn't you TELL me you had one of those things?"
"OW! Stop that, and you didn't ask! Now, we have a mission!"
Kuno glowered, but nodded. The two infiltrators proceeded into the halls of the enemy.
####
Infiltration Team Two was based on technological capability. That meant Ranma and her hardsuit sensors, Akane and her Mercury tech, and Mousse and Nabiki as added firepower. In other words, they were doing the noisy entrance bit.
"Scanning doors. Hmm... some sort of energy field, but my sensor arrays aren't giving me an ID. Damn, why didn't anyone dress as Nene? I could have used the interpretation..."
"It wouldn't have worked, Ranma. My visor shows that this is actually magical in nature, and you're probably only picking up the residual atmospheric effects resulting in a low level static electrical charge."
The other three stared at Akane and chorused, "Huh?"
"Never mind, it's... Where'd Luna-P go?"
"I haven't seen him since we passed Ucchan's..." noted Nabiki.
Akane started to look worried. "I hope he's all right, he's not used to being a cat or actually thinking..."
"I agree with both," Ranma consoled, happy that the pseudo-Senshi couldn't see her wild smirk under her helmet.
Mousse suddenly stiffened, and wheeled about-- and froze. "I do NOT believe this."
For there was Luna-P, speeding down the street, followed by a HUGE pack of girls dressed in the distinct junior high-school sailor fukus of the fictional Juuban Junior High. In fact, there were even a few guys in the boys uniforms of the same series, looking slightly confused, and sporting new and eccentric hairstyles.
"Okay, Mister Meow, what's going on and where have you been?" demanded Ranma.
"It was WIERD! We got about a block from Kuno's when I saw this girl looking confused and I KNEW that one of those pens was for her! So I hopped off Ranma's cycle and-- I couldn't stop myself!
"And it kept happening! Over and over and over-- couldn't go three feet without hitting another one! There's even about a dozen GUYS who are probably going to pull a Starlight! I didn't even KNOW I had those headsets! There were also another thirty-three guys who I passed roses to, but they all said they'd be there when the time was right. I think it's a Kamen thing."
Ranma looked at the pack of schoolgirls (She recognized Miss Hinako with her hair in rabbit-style Odangos and shivered) and schoolboys, and shook her head. "All right, you're under Mercury's command. As soon as we figure out how to get in."
"Solved," Akane said. "It requires a precise application of magical energy and kinetic force applied simultaneously."
"And how do we do that?" asked Mousse.
"Simple, really," replied Akane.
Then she raised her hand together, went into a sort of twirling dance, while water collected from nowhere to form--
"Naw, it can't be," moaned Ranma.
But it was.
"MERCURY ICE MALLET!"
And as advertised, a HUGE hammer made of sub-zero water SLAMMED into the front gates of Furinkan High, reducing them into powder.
"Mercury Ice Mallet?" said Nabiki, disbelieving.
"It was effective," replied Akane.
"Mercury Ice _Mallet_ ?" Mousse added, in shock.
"Look, it was perfectly simple, and satisfied the criteria for entry--"
"MERCURY ICE MALLET???" Ranma demanded.
"If you LIKE, I can show you again!" Akane said with some of her old asperity. "It worked. Let's get inside."
"After we get past them," noted Nabiki. Them being a flood of Faceless Minions.
A LOT of Faceless Minions.
Like, five hundred or so. Fred may not have been able to do what he'd originally planned to do, but there was no faulting his ability to churn out Faceless Minions. Rita and Zedd would be envious.
Before Ranma could even note that with all the firepower they had there were just too many she was cut off by a sudden simultaneous chant of--
"Sol/
Sun/
Earth/
Terra/
Gaia/
Io/
Callisto/
Fill
In any known Moon/
Fixer Star/
Smoocher Star/
Eater
Star/
Arcturus/
Sirius/
Ludicrous/
Ceres/
Athena/
Hephasteus/
Small
Inoffensive Asteroid Without Even A Name Just A Number But It Is
Technically A Heavenly Body So it MUST have A Senshi/
Power--"
And the team covered their ears (except Ranma, who cut in her helmet audio dampers) to survive the thunderous cry of-
"MAKE UP!"
It was a good thing that they were all-- technically-- girls there, because some hundred simultaneous near-nude henshins would have sent any male into shock and a nosebleed.
Wait, there was a male there.
Akane carried the stunned Luna-P inside, wondering where the cat's nosebleed and shock had come from.
Meanwhile, a huge pack of Sailor Senshi (and about a dozen Starlights clones) happily went Faceless Minion bashing.
####
"What is THIS?"
"Um... looks like your castle guard being attacked by about a hundred cheerleaders."
"Never mind. No one can actually get inside."
####
Inside, Kuno and Gosunkugi were making their way to the back doors of the mutated school.
There had been some complications. Well, actually there had been a downright silly number of deathtraps.
Elegant trigger mechanisms, cunningly concealed tripwires, complex puzzles requiring fluency in Sanskrit-- both written and spoken-- and the occasional hidden bottomless pit all fell victim to the skills of Indiana Kuno.
"It's too easy," said the aforementioned kendoist/archeologist. "These are snaps."
"You have a definition of 'snap' that I suspect isn't shared by the rest of the human race," said Gosunkugi, sweating a bit.
"Look, this clown is supposed to be some evil mastermind, right? You'd think he'd set at least ONE trap that would challenge the Blue Thunder."
Gosunkugi paused. "Um... I rather hate to bring this up, but isn't it something of a tradition in the Indiana Jones movies that at least once a trap will be set off and apparent certain death is imminent?"
At that moment, distracted by Gosunkugi's question, Kuno stepped an a nearly invisible trigger-stone.
CLANG! went the iron portcullises that trapped them in the corridor.
GRIND! went the walls as they began to close in.
"OUCH!" went the not-so-secret-agent as Kuno began swatting him, snarling, "You HAD to bring that up, didn't you?"
####
Infiltration Team Three was the people with sharp pointy things. Well, Ukyo, Konatsu, Soun and Genma the Swashbuckling Panda were using sharp pointy things. Nodoka was using a lightsaber, which is neither sharp nor pointy but still has a similar effect.
The Faceless Minions were doing a very good imitation of a lawn. That is to say, they were being mowed down.
A couple of bystanders were watching with hearts rolling around in their eyes, two girls that hadn't been changed into something dangerous. No, they were perfect ordinary Macross type bridge bunnies.
"He's so... dashing."
"Yeah... I've never seen anyone so romantic and agile..."
"What a man!"
There was a pause.
"You know, technically he's a panda."
"I'm not prejudiced."
####
"Damn!"
"We're going to die, aren't we?"
"Damn!"
"You can't think of a way to stop this?"
"Well, if I had a one centimeter cube of impact triggered plastic explosive, I could! But where the hell would I get that?"
"Why didn't you say so?"
With that, Gosunkugi removed his cufflinks, broke them, and began to knead the goo inside together...
####
Team Four was pretty much whoever was left over. Rather than infiltration, they were to create as much of a distraction as possible.
With Yuka and Sayuri blowing things up in the schoolyard, Daisuke and Hiroshi tossing Hadokens like they were going out of style, and Shampoo casually wreaking havoc with her swarm of tiny bonbori, distraction was, as happens so often in these chronicles, an inadequate term.
It didn't hurt that about a hundred Sailor Senshi, a dozen Starlights, a pack of howling cowboys, a half dozen neo-Amazons, three Mospeada riders, one esper, and various samurai, sentai heroes, and whatever else could possibly be thrown into the mix were all going to town on the Faceless Minions. From time to time a rose would fly in from nowhere.
All these people were having lots of fun. In fact, in the ward of Nerima, almost everyone was having lots of fun. About the only exceptions to the having lots of fun was a certain wizard and his servant demon.
####
Speaking of which, the not-having fun wizard was trying desparately to figure out exactly where his brilliant plan had gone wrong.
"What IS this? Nerima is supposed to be a pinnacle of peaceful living and mild mannered people!"
"Ah, great and terrible master," Zmsrrt asked uncertainly, "Just how do you know this information?"
Fred tapped on a book. "It's a guidebook to Japan. Bought it off Amazon.com, like my other books. That's why I didn't attack that Amazon village like I'd planned at first. See? Nerima-- a pinnacle of-- " Fred flipped a page-- "Peaceful living and mild mannered people. It says so right here!"
Wpptfhr looked at the text and frowned. "Um... Dread and powerful lord, I think two pages are stuck together here."
Fred blinked. "Hmm... you're right. Let's see... Oh, damn."
"What does it say now?"
In a shaky voice, Fred read aloud, "Nerima-- a pinnacle of lunacy and chaos only rivaled by-- well, actually, we don't know anything it's rivaled by. Highest per-capita concentration of super-powerful martial artists on Earth. Highest per-capita concentration of just plain but insanely skilled martial artist on Earth. Highest per-capita concentration of martial artists that practice martial arts that no sane person would even contemplate learning.
"Known for exceedingly numerous incidents involving long lost magical items (See-- Tendo Dojo, Nekohanten), magical princes seeking brides (See-- Tendo Dojo), unexpected property damage(See-- Tendo Dojo, Furinkan High School), unusual marriage complications (See-- Tendo Dojo, Furinkan High School), paranormal events that defy belief (See-- Tendo Dojo), shapeshifting martial artists of really ridiculous power (See-- Tendo Dojo, Nekohanten, Furinkan High School, Chicago), and nearly certain failure for any wizard who is so damn stupid as to try to attempt to use this area as a staging point to try to take over the world ( See-- Oh, hell, you know by now)..."
Fred paused, and took on a thoughtful expression. "You know, it's just barely possible that this choice of venue might have been somewhat ill advised."
"Ill-- THAT'S it, I'm OUTTA here! My contract doesn't cover sheer insane stupidity! Ignoring Cosmic Law, that's one thing, but THIS-- Freddy boy, you are on your OWN!"
With that, the kawaii demon went poof. No way was she going to suffer any more at the hands of this moron. The worst that could happen to her in the Hells for breach of contract was a few millennia of agonizing torture and tentacle duty. As far as SHE was concerned, that was preferable to this... this baka.
(Actually, she was commended for her good sense and given a cushy desk job cataloguing youma. Hell may be evil, but it ain't stupid.)
####
Meanwhile, back with the Dynamic Duo...
"I can't believe you had plastic explosives in your cufflinks."
"Standard equipment, really. Oh, and slinging that cube with the tip of your whip into just the right place was inspired, if I may say so."
"Aw, think nothing of it. Just another triumph for the Blue Thunder, y'know. Hmm... now, assuming he follows the normal plans of the typical world-conquering wizard..."
"He should be that way."
"I'm impressed, Gosunkugi. An archeologist would know that-- well, the kind I am, but why would a secret agent?"
"A secret agent wouldn't. A practitioner of the Dark Art of Voodoo, however..."
"Point taken. Let's go."
And they did.
####
In an effort to initiate crowd control, Team Four was doused by Faceless Minions with waterhoses. This had no effect, really, except to make everyone rather angry and redouble their efforts to cause major chaos.
Except in the case of Shampoo, who vanished into her Juraian robes. For a moment, there was no movement, and then a bedraggled cat-sized mass began to move to the neck opening.
It was white with pinkish-purple highlights, as expected. That was all that was expected, though.
"That's not a cat, is it?" asked Daisuke from in between Hadokens.
"Don't know what it is, personally," said Hiroshi during a set up for a particularly vicious Shoryuken.
"I do," commented Sayuri, tossing a Bloody Card and taking down three Faceless Minions. "Maybe this can help us."
Yuka just kept shooting things. She was getting WAY too deep into her role.
And Shampoo looked up with a pitiful "Miyaaaa..."
####
Inside the main corridor of the school Team Two met up with Team Three. "You guys all right?" asked Ranma.
"Fine," replied Nodoka. "We're all fine."
<<Indeed, rarely have I felt better! Such a great adventure revitalizes one, eh, Tendo?>>
The OTHER swashbuckler nodded at the impeccably calligraphed sign. "Certes, could any adventure do otherwise? Especially in a noble cause such as this!"
Akane stared.
"The only thing I have any problem with," continued Nodoka, "Is all those girls making eyes at my husband. If it weren't for the Jedi Code, I'd--"
<<Forbear to condemn the young, Fair Lady, 'tis little that the heart of a maid can do save a pretty blush and a wistful smile. Know you>> flip << well that ne'er would I betray you, dearest heart.>>
Nodoka blushed herself.
"You think we can keep at least our fathers the way they are after this?" whispered Akane.
"Somehow, I doubt it. But it's worth a thought..." replied Ranma.
"So, do we take him down now?" asked Ukyo.
Ranma nodded. "Team Nerima-- SANJO!"
There was a pause.
"Why did you say that?" asked Mousse.
There was another pause.
"I... have no idea."
####
Fred stared at the empty space where his demon no-longer-servant had been. Things were falling apart far too fast for him to adjust. It was almost as though the universe itself was conspiring against him.
Could there, after all, actually BE something to that Cosmic Law stuff? Was there actually some enigmatic force that denied his natural right to become the god he knew that he was destined to be? Did the possibility exist that he might actually fail?
Nahhhh. Couldn't be.
It wasn't as though anyone could actually GET to him, after all... his arcane shields were impenetrable. In fact, the only thing that could cause them to breach would be a focused impact of combined magical and kinetic force delivered simultaneously.
"MERCURY ICE MALLET!"
Whoomp.
Fred staggered as the last of his shields crumbled. The psychic backlash was excruciating. And then he saw them. As motley a crew as he could have ever imagined-- more than he was actually capable of imagining, in fact.
Fred began to back up, realizing that things were getting WAY out of hand. "Look, I don't know who you are, but it's impolite to interrupt a wizard when he's trying to conquer the earth. I'd always heard that the Japanese were polite people..."
The armored figure strode to the front of the pack. "You have got to be kidding. You think we're gonna just let you barge in and rewrite our reality? Mister, you are in for a world of hurt. Two or three in fact."
"Only if you can catch me!" Fred dashed to his secret escape door-- a standard for every well-stocked evil world conquering wizard-- and froze as it opened on a dashing fellow in a tuxedo with a Walther PPK and a scruffy type with a sixgun and a big stick.
"How... How did you..."
"Pal, right now the Blue Thunder ain't in the mood for your questions. My friend here's got a licence to kill, and I at the least got the right to maim severely."
"Now LOOK," protested Fred, "This is just plain silly! Even if there IS something like Cosmic Law, it doesn't work like THIS! There's supposed to be some sort of dramatic confrontation, not dogpile on the wizard!"
"Dogpile on the wizard. Sounds just fine to ME, by Crom," noted Konatsu.
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.
"You DO realize that your actions are both dishonorable and unmanly," Nodoka commented.
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.
"Such ill actions may not be ignored, foul caitiff!" Soun proclaimed.
<< Indeed, thy punishment is inevitable! >> signed Genma-Swashbuckling-Panda.
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.
"For your crimes against the people of this ward, I will punish you in the name of Nerima!" Akane speechified.
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.
"I think we get the point, Nabiki," muttered Ranma.
Fred began to sweat profusely. Even accepting Cosmic Law, he would have expected at the most two, maybe three heroes. But this was...
A giant pink crystalline spike slammed through the wall with a grating crash and a thunderous "MIYAAAAAA!" In a glitter of light, two Street Fighters, two Lovely Angels, and about fifty of the Legion of Substitute Senshi appeared.
As for the guys in tuxedos with the roses, who KNEW where they'd come from?
"TOLD you she could do it. Where's the wizard?" asked Sayuri.
Fred began to panic. This was INSANE! SAURON hadn't had THIS kind of hassles! He had to do something fast... Ah.
And Fred began patented Evil Laugh #27-- I Have A Card Up My Sleeve, Cretinous Fools.
"I still have a card up my sleeve, cretinous fools!" Fred said, redundantly. "Face your deepest fears!"
The words that Fred said came out very fast-- too fast to stop. They were in a language that no-one had heard in millennia. And a darkness crept into every mind there...
For all save one, the Deepest Fear wasn't a clear image. Instead it was a vague, amorphous thing, crawling up from the psyche like a sickly banana slug from a well filled with decaying moss. No-one could then, nor ever would be able to afterwards, put that experience in words. For what you think is your deepest fear is nothing next to that which lies within the hidden corners of the soul.
For all save one.
Fred smiled, darkly, as the massed defenders collapsed, gibbering. A dangerous spell, since he could also have been caught, but he'd done THIS one right. Now... odd. The one in armor wasn't writhing in horror on the ground, but... crouching?
"Meow."
Of course, sufficient trauma at an early enough age can overwrite what normal human instinct defaults to as a deepest fear. And the fear spell had gone straight past the Priss overlay into the pure, unadulterated Ranma.
"PFFFFST!!"
The Neko-Ken is a fearsome, almost unstoppable technique.
The Neko-Ken in a hardsuit is just plain ludicrous.
Fred barely teleported away alive.
####
When Ranma came to her senses, the throne room was a wreck. The others were standing, or kneeling, looking sick.
"Amulet this is. Honors do, Ranma?"
Ranma raised her visor, and looked at Cologne. "What... what happened?"
"Neko-ken it was, although cats there were not. Amulet this is. Know you do what must be done."
Ranma nodded. And then raised a railgun, and aimed...
####
Like a rubber band that had been stretched a bit to far, and then released, reality snapped back with a vengeance.
####
Ranma finished her second rendition of "Konya Wa Hurricane" to applause, and stepped off the stage. For a moment, she had a strange feeling of Deja Vu, but it didn't last. She just went back to the party.
Reality had done it's best to return to normal, but there were a few minor discrepancies.
Gosunkugi wondered where his cufflinks had gone.
Shampoo had the strangest desire for carrots.
Akane was considering taking Computer Science as an elective next term.
Ukyo kept suppressing the urge to yodel.
Kodachi wasn't sure why or how she was bound and gagged, but she wasn't happy.
Kuno decided to subscribe to Archeology Today.
At the Nekohanten, Mousse found himself thumbing through a gun magazine.
Cologne was trying to figure out WHY she was looking at the Crystal of Leng Khao. Well, couldn't have been important...
At Ucchan's, Konatsu was contemplating quaffing an ale. He wasn't certain what quaffing was, but it sounded good.
Back at the dojo, Kasumi wondered why she had this bad tobacco taste in her mouth.
####
And in Pillow Creek, Minnesota... or Michigan... or wherever the magical town had decided to relocate this week...
"We ain't too happy with you, Fred. Did you think we wouldn't have sensed such a disruption?"
"You got that right, Paulie. We're gettin' a bit tired of your antics."
Fred looked at his fellow townspeople, and quailed. "Aw, come on, guys... I didn't mean nothing by it..."
"No use, Fred. You got to be punished. Earl?"
"You got it."
Fred whimpered. "No, not after that crazy meowing girl, not that..."
"FRED NO BAKA!"
WHAM!
"Hey, Earl, what was that?"
"Been taking Japanese lessons. Means Fred's an idiot, but has more impact, you see?"
"Oh. Sounds about right to me..."
####
Author's note:
Sorry to all those who wanted me to make some weird permanent changes in the cast... but that was never my intention. Besides, that would have been silly. Well, the wrong kind of silly, IMNSHO.
It's taken a while to finish this chapter-- after about six or seven false starts describing a long, dramatic battle against a powerful wizard, I realized that I was writing Girl Days, not Hearts of Ice. (Which I love, BTW. Perry-san, hurry up! ^_^) So I went for my usual string of pointless but amusing (hopefully) gags.
Hope it worked.
Kenko/Robert Haynie