Girl
Days
Part Twelve
By Kenko
Girl Days
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Robert Haynie
(Nope, I don't own them, can't afford the legal fees, and am too silly anyway. So leave me out of it!)
Part 12: Reality? Sheah, RIGHT.
(A dark-haired man walks onto a lit stage, carrying a sheet of paper in one hand. He adjusts his glasses, and begins to speak.)
For those who missed the previous chapter, I would like to... aw, forget it. It's just too damn WIERD. Go back and read it-- it's generally archived at http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud/, and for Heaven's sake, don't take any hard drugs while doing so.
(The man tosses the paper down in disgust and strides off, ignoring the complaints of the speechwriter.)
####
Ranma felt-- odd.
Her brain seemed to burn for a moment, and unfamiliar images seemed to pass through her head. She shook off the feeling, however, and went back into her rendition for the second time that night of "Konya Wa Hurricane".
For some reason, she felt more natural singing it this time. But she didn't get to finish the song.
After all, it's hard to remain calm and singing when a centenarian Amazon leaps through the roof and lands on top of Indiana Kuno, screaming something about Minnesotan Wizards and Evil spells meant to weaken the soul.
Cologne blinked. As far as she could tell, no spirits were crushed. In fact, there seemed rather a larger aura of confidence than usual.
"Lady, could you get offa my head already?" complained Kuno.
"Of course-- but the outside has gone-- what did you say?" said Cologne, noting that Kuno's usual mode of speech had altered.
"Look, you might like perching up there, sister, but you're crushing the hat-- what am I SAYING? How can I speak in such a common fashion?"
"Great Grandmother, what has you so upset? I hardly understood anything you said," Shampoo inquired.
Cologne stared.
"By the Gods, Shampoo, since when do you speak Japanese that well?"
Cologne stared at Ukyo also.
"It IS strange. There must be a reasonable explanation for this, however... we can't discount the possibility of youma possession here," added Akane.
Staring was no longer an option. "He... he couldn't have screwed that spell up THAT badly..."
Ranma stepped off the stage, scowling. "You'd better start making sense, Cologne. I hate having my performances interrupted-- Akane, what are you saying?"
"He DID. That maniac DID. Excuse me. I need to sit down..." Cologne shuddered. This was, as it were, a Very Bad Thing.
"Well, do so off of the Blue Thunder's head. You ain't exactly light, you know."
"Of... of course." Hopping off the fedora-clad cranium, Cologne began to explain what no-one had yet quite caught on to...
####
"You're kidding me. You have to be kidding me. This isn't possible." Ranma shook her head, uncertainly. Yet she somehow felt different-- somewhat irritable, somewhat angry at... something.
"I certainly don't feel that much different," added Akane. "Well, I do, but it doesn't seem to really matter... I can't explain it, really." Akane wasn't getting angry. She felt unusually mild tempered, in fact. Clear headed, really.
"Well, I for one can guarantee that SOMETHING happened," came a new voice. Everyone looked around for a moment, uncertainly, before realizing that the voice was coming from the floor.
P-chan leapt up with feline grace. Which wasn't odd, considering that he'd become a talking cat.
Ranma's eyes boggled-- and the beginning of a panic attack began-- and stopped. She felt uncomfortable, yes, but she wasn't going into her normal "get the hell away from the cat" mode.
"Well, there's proof for you there," Cologne said. "Ranma may suffer from ailurophobia, but the character she's portraying does not, and that seems to be ameliorating her usual reaction... excuse me. Did that cat just talk?"
"Logical. Luna in the show talks, and since P-chan was portraying that role, so does he now. I wonder..." Akane tapped an earring, and a blue-tinted visor appeared. "Hey, this is neat! I even know how to use it!"
"So... you really are Sailor Mercury... man, what's the point of doing this?" asked "Priss". "This guy just a nut or something?"
"I believe his intentions were to draw the inner nature to the surface. According to my sources, he's the type who thinks all people are weaklings at heart, and assumed that this would make it easy for him to rule the world. He got it backwards, it seems. Ukyo, would you please stop that?" The last was directed at a happily backflipping warrior princess.
"Honestly, Ukyo. Even if you find yourself somewhat improved in a physical sense, it's hardly polite or ladylike to leap about like that," chided Shampoo.
"At any rate, this insanity will spread wider... and our city, perhaps our world, will be twisted beyond recognition unless we stop him. We have to get the Amulet of Impressions away from that lunatic Yerfburger and destroy it-- within fourty-eight hours, or the changes will be irreversible."
"And that's a bad thing, right? Hmm... you know, this guy is in real trouble. I've still got my skills at the Art, but I fell like I got more too. I'm not Ranma OR Priss-- I'm, I think, kinda both. I can feel it."
The others nodded. They too could feel the strange sense of overlay.
"Shampoo-- are you aware that you apparently have two giant floating bonbori behind you?" asked Akane, uncertainly.
The Juraian Amazon shrugged. "It seems that my Guardians have arrived."
"We have only just come, Princess," said one of the huge wooden battle maces.
"Actually, I think we have only just been created. I find no record of my previous existence in my memory banks at any rate," the other added.
"This is getting weird. Look what I found in my handbag," Ranma said.
"Good lord! What the hell kind of gun is THAT?" blurted Kuno.
"Member II. Got extra rounds in the bag for it also. Wonder if there's a hardsuit out there waiting for me?"
"Hera's heart... this is getting insane," muttered Ukyo.
"Insane's nothing new. But this goes beyond the pale," said Cologne.
"Whoo-hoo! This is GREAT!" chorused two voices. Heads turned to see Hiroshi and Daisuke now bouncing about in an almost Ranmaesque fashion.
"Hmm... real martial arts. And likely some that are fictional. This is going farther than I feel comfortable with," mused Sailor Akane.
"Yeah, there could be real-- oh, DAMN. I just thought-- we also have a Naga and the-- the Dirty Pair."
Eyes widened. "You don't think Kodachi's figured it out yet, do you?" asked a somewhat upset Shampoo.
"OHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!"
"It's a possibility," Ranma scowled.
"Power! TRUE power worthy of the goddess I was meant to be!" chortled the less than sand Kodachi, the White Serpent.
The sight of a bikini-clad Kodachi exercising her Raywing was, to say the least, unnerving.
"She's not gonna want to change things, you know. If we have to deal with her as well, we're screwed. I saw part of a OAV of that series, and I'm beginning to wish I'd paid more attention," sighed Ranma. (A thought that would, in the future, come back to haunt her many times. Check out Redheads by this author for the reason why.)
Without hesitation Ukyo whipped out a metal ring that had before been made of cheap tin, but now was of high carbon steel, and tossed it. It ricocheted along three walls, caught Kodachi a glancing blow on the back of the head, knocking her silly, and flew back to Ukyo's hand. "Not a problem."
"Okay, I'M impressed," said Ranma. "Now... how are we going to find this Hamburger guy?"
"Yerfburger," corrected Cologne.
"Whatever."
Akane looked thoughtful. Then, from apparently nowhere, she produced a small blue rectangle, which she opened. "Apparently I have this as well. If I can find a way to track him, we can take him down quickly. And since we don't have much time... I'll get on it right away."
"You know how to use that thing, Akane?" asked Ranma.
"Oddly enough, I do. Getting to him may be a problem, though..."
"We can use our spaceship!" chirped two more changed people. Sayuri and Yuka. The new Dirty Pair.
Two neoStreet Fighters sweatdropped. They knew their girlfriends roles VERY well...
"That might work... take her up and scout out the situation, then report back. Take Dai and 'Roshi with you, though." And aside to the two latter mentioned, "And try to make certain they don't blow anything up. We don't know how far this goes yet."
A cowboy came in, grinning. "Man, there's horses out there-- one's mine and she's really smart! And the COOLEST motorcycle I have ever seen!"
"Bets on whose that is?" quipped Kuno, who was finishing tying and gagging his twisted sister.
"No bets at all, Kuno-san," replied Shampoo. "I think that Lady Ranma is almost certain to be the owner."
The cowboy shrugged. "I reckon I don't know anything about that, but there's also this really cool car out there. A 1963 Aston Martin, in mint condition-- you don't see those ANYWHERE. Wonder whose that is?"
"That," a cultured voice said, "Would be mine, I suspect."
All eyes turned to the new speaker. As usual, people had almost forgotten that he was here-- nobody ever seemed to notice him.
But right now they were noticing him a lot. His demeanor seemed completely different, his bearing stronger. His tuxedo, which had been slightly rumpled before, was now perfect. And there was an almost steely glint in his eyes.
"You... you're..."
And in a British accent, the man replied, "Gosunkugi. Hikaru Gosunkugi. At your service, ladies..."
####
Fred Yerfburger was not a happy wizard.
He wasn't certain what had gone wrong with the spell, but instead of creating a pack of cowering worms that he could easily dominate it seemed to have instead caused the Nerima ward to become something out of dozens of those annie-may cartoons that were so popular here. A towering futuristic structure stood next to what looked like a jungle temple. Small skycars zipped past arcane pillars. Robots mingled with what he could have sworn were elves.
And nobody paid much attention. This was, after all, Nerima.
At first the spell had done nothing to those not in costume. But the Reality Inversion had a LOT of energy, and damn if it was going to let it end at Ranma and company. Bit by bit people were changing depending on where the closest manga, anime, novel, or movie was -- and if there wasn't anything really close, it would just make something up.
In other words, Nerima was looking a lot like a titanic cosplay where the buildings had decided to join in on the fun.
The Tendo Dojo wasn't any different. Nodoka sighed as Kasumi used her adamantium claws to slice the tofu for tonight's stir-fry while happily smoking a cheap cigar. Soun and Genma were playing shogi while discussing the best way to protect young ladies-- as any noble swashbucklers from a nearby shojo manga would. They were still cheating, though.
"Kasumi, dear, don't you find things rather... odd?" Nodoka couldn't put her finger on it, but...
"Nope, Auntie." Kasumi brushed back her rather eccentric hair and continued slicing. "Why'dja ask?"
"I can't quite say... just something bothering me. A sort of disturbance in the force..." Nodoka shrugged and went back to her lightsaber practice.
####
Nabiki was NOT happy. The spell had tried to resolve the bunny suit in a way that was really really unexpected.
"You don't look that bad, Nabiki," Akane soothed.
Nabiki didn't reply. She just wrinkled her pink nose while her whiskers twitched adorably. Idly she ran her fingernails through the thick pelt of white fur she was now sporting. One of her lapine ears twitched, and she desperately fought off urges to go hit the carrot sticks.
Same shape, same girl-- new species. Bunny Girl indeed.
Nabiki, as had been noted, was NOT happy. And this wizard bozo was going to PAY for making her look like a overdeveloped and underclad cousin of Lola Bunny.
####
The patrols went out. Ranma on her motorcycle. Ukyo, Shampoo, and Gosunkugi in the Aston Martin. Kuno in a private car. The Four Riders (Hiroshi, Daisuke, Yuka, and Sayuri) in the Lovely Angel. Akane and Cologne stayed back to coordinate and to see what Akane could detect with the Mercury Computer, P-chan (or as one wag called him, Luna-P) grumbling. He was DAMN glad that if he had to be a talking magical cat he was a MALE talking magical cat.
Ranma was especially angry. Very angry. Angry wasn't usually a Ranma thing, but it certainly was a Priss thing, and since Ranma was partly a Priss, she was a Pissed Priss.
(When I get my hands on that jerk I'm gonna Righteous Tigresses Fury his butt so hard he'll have lower his pants to blow his nose.)
Ranma had her own ideas about where to look. If anything went really strange, it tended to be at the Dojo. So she went there both to check on the others and to see if the jerk had stopped by.
On the way, she noted how the city had become a sort of demented theme park.
She entered the dojo and blinked. Blinked. Blinked. "Holy..."
Cologne had mentioned that only those nearest the center of the spell would really realize that something was wrong. Seemed to be the case. Kasumi was serving dinner wearing a yellow and black spandex outfit, smoking a cigar and idly slicing fish with a claw that was popping out the back of her hand. Pops and Mister Tendo were dressed like something out of the Three Musketeers, which was especially jarring when a French panda was involved. And her mother was helping Kasumi by levitating the plates onto the table while reheating the rice with a lightsaber.
"Um... everything all right here?" she asked, hesitantly.
"Jes' fine, Red-chan," piped Kasumi. "Oh, I polished your hardsuit and motoslave, they're in the dojo. Had a feelin' you might need them 'cause I heard something that sounded a lot like a Boomer earlier."
Ranma stared. And then thought, (Hardsuit AND... yes!)"Um, actually, I have to help my friends save the world from an insane wizard, but thanks Kasumi. I'll need it."
Ranma didn't expect the reaction she got.
"Wizards? Not on MY watch, Red-chan. Girls' gotta do what she's gotta do," Kasumi said pulling her mask on.
"The duty of a Jedi takes precedence over dinner, I agree," Nodoka added.
Soun and Genma merely looked at each other, clasped hands, and stood, capes dramatically flowing in a sudden breeze. Even the panda looked oddly noble and heroic.
Ranma shrugged, and went into the dojo to change into her hardsuit. Why throw away more allies? Even Kasumi, who seemed oddly capable...
####
Fred couldn't figure out what was going on with the spell. It wasn't acting ANYTHING like he'd expected. In fact, it wasn't acting like anything he'd ever heard of.
But it WAS generating massive amounts of thaumic energy, and that meant that he could use that energy to try something even greater. He'd inadvertently created a city full of paranormal entities, of which he was certain he could find a way to control some of them. An army of elves, monsters, robots... he would be unstoppable! Invincible! Like unto a GOD!
Evil Laugh #128 followed.
####
"Much oddness does happen at our establishment, Ukyo-san. Perhaps we should go there. Also, one wonders what has happened to Mousse. As little as I like him, I should make certain he is uninjured."
"I'm with you on that. Hikaru?"
"I rather anticipated that you might suggest that. Almost there, in fact. Ah... that IS the Nekohanten, isn't it?"
It was, but it wasn't. The noodle emporium had taken on a definite high-tech appearance. Flanges, searchlights, and the like all sprang from the place. It looked positively military.
Entering, the place looked like a weird mix of barracks and restaurant. It was, in fact, positively eye-wrenching.
And Mousse sat at one table cleaning a complex looking firearm. Looking up, with oddly clear eyes SHE adjusted the strap of her muscle-T, scowled, and adjusted her now thinner glasses. "I get the feeling I'm not myself. Can't put a finger on it, but..."
"You... are somewhat changed..." Shampoo murmured.
"Yeah. If you say so. Old Mummy got orders for us?"
"You could say that," Ukyo said weakly.
Pulling on a fatigue jacket and hefting her rifle, the rather bizarre mix of Mousse and Ellen Ripley shrugged. "Well, let's do it. But this had better not be another bughunt."
As they left, Aliens continued to play in the VCR, and Mousse asked, idly, "By the way, who's the good looking guy?"
####
As Ranma pulled up to Ucchan's, to check up on Konatsu, she blinked. Not that you could tell from inside a hardsuit.
In a curious touch of arcane whimsy, although the suit was technologically identical to the hardsuit that Priss Asagiri used in later episodes of Bubblegum Crisis, it's color scheme wasn't. Instead it was red with heavily black trimmed legs and forearms, reminiscent of Ranma's habitual (well, habitual when in male form) Chinese outfits and bracers.
Ucchan's was also undergoing some cosmetic alterations. At least as far as Ranma could remember, it didn't have a thatched roof or a horse outside of it normally.
Disembarking from the Typhoon II motoslave, Ranma carefully entered. "Konatsu, you in here? You OK?"
"Never better, by Crom," came a voice that was LIKE Konatsu's, but deeper and more hearty. Ranma looked over the kitchen, where--
Aw, this just didn't seem RIGHT. Konatsu had put on about fifty pounds-- apparently entirely muscle-- and was wearing, well, not a lot but it was all leather. And the sword was almost as long as Ranma was tall. His hair was already long before, but now it was also rather tangled, scars had appeared from nowhere, and there was a smoldering look in his eyes.
"Um... you're sure you're OK?"
"Set's guts, of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"
(HOO Boy. Ukyo is gonna love this.) "Hey, you wanna help a bunch of us fight a sorcerer who's trying to take over the world?"
Konatsu the Barbarian just cracked his knuckles and GRINNED.
It was only a few days later that it was discovered that the kuinoichi was a closet Sword and Sorcery fan, and had been reading one of the L. Sprague de Camp Conan novels when he got hit. After wards he found that guilty pleasure's exposure to be very embarrassing because he didn't consider it ladylike.
####
One of the cosmic laws regarding wizards who want to take over the world is that forces will gather to oppose them. Often having no idea why.
For example, the famed Golden Pair, who usually were regarded as halfwits if you allowed the possibility that they could get to a half a wit between them, arrived at the Kuno mansion for reasons they could not adequately explain. Then again, why the caprice of the spell had turned them into teenage doppelgangers of John Steed and Emma Peel, aka The Avengers, was lower on the adequacy of explanation scale.
Cologne had fought the effects of transformation as long as she could, but it finally caught up with her. Actually, there wasn't much change in appearance except for coloration. A vaguely feminine Yoda in this case did seem to be appropriate.
Eventually following instincts that were, well, instinctual, the group all rejoined at the mansion. With little to report except that the city was basically weirder than usual.
If there had been such a thing as an unbiased observer there he would not have stayed unbiased for long. The sight before him would have driven him either to madness or rage against the insanity.
Kuno was talking to Kasumi after borrowing a cigar. Kasumi was picking up a pork-bun with a claw.
Cologne, Nodoka, Akane, and Luna-P were all attempting to find a source that would ID Yerburger's location. Akane by Mercury Computer, Cologne by the Crystal of Leng-khao, Nodoka by attuning to the Force, and Luna-P by darting from one to the other looking for similarities.
Mousse and Gosunkugi were discussing weaponry. Mousse liked it big and bangy, where Gosunkugi was insisting that all one REALLY needed was a Walther PPK.
Hiroshi and Daisuke were berating Yuka and Sayuri for blowing up the Tokyo Tower. Said girls were retorting that that happens all the time anyway, it was ugly in the first place, and anyway it wasn't their FAULT.
Shampoo was being charmed by the remarkably suave and dashing Soun and Genma. It was AMAZING how charming a panda with a rapier could be.
Ukyo and Konatsu were sparring like a pair of barbarian warriors. Which made sense.
And to keep the crowd's morale up, Ranma had gone into a second set. There was a LOT of music with the karaoke machine, and although she preferred the harder stuff, some of the J-pop was okay, and at least it calmed the crowd.
In other words, even if people weren't themselves-- and they weren't, quite-- life was sort of going on.
Conversations tended to be somewhat eccentric though.
"Will someone tell Zorro over there to knock it off with the whip? I'm trying to catch a smoke here, and my Winstons are NOT a practice target."
"What's Dilithium, and what does it have to do with the karaoke machine?"
"I have the strangest desire to kiss my horse."
"Sorry, Ranma says she WON'T sing the Happy Happy Joy Joy song. And that if you ask her again, she'll use that Member II on you."
"Cologne says that until they can get a lock on that wizard the Martial Artists can't do anything. Well, what she ACTUALLY said was 'Difficult it is to see the Baka. Always in motion is he.' But it comes to the same thing."
"Hey, Daisuke, wanna see me pull a rabbit out of my hat?"
"AGAIN?"
"bffrfrr mrrph mmm!"
"No, we WON'T untie you, Kodachi."
"Someone move this damn sheep! It keeps getting lost, it's worse than Ryoga!"
"I have the strangest desire to kiss my horse."
"You too?"
"Want a balloon animal?"
"Me Ichiro. You Jane?"
"When in the winter of our discontent..."
"Nagisa think maybe dress like Shampoo bad idea."
"You and the other six Amazons."
"Attention. To the owner of the Gundam in the parking lot. You are blocking traffic..."
In other words... if THIS gang catches up with Yerfburger...
####
Meanwhile, said Yerfburger was having somewhat more difficulty gathering the energy he desired. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought that the universe was conspiring against him. That was, of course, impossible, since he was destined to rule the world.
Of course, the universe WAS conspiring against him, and he WASN'T destined to rule the world, but this writer won't tell him if the honored readers won't. Let's let it be a surprise.
####
"AHA!"
"A trace you have, Akane?" asked Cologne.
"Hai! A strong energy pulse-- magical energy-- at these coordinates!"
"Looks right to me-- somehow feels right too," input Luna-P.
"The force is twisted in that direction also," added Nodoka.
"Crystal of Leng-khao will I check." Cologne made certain magical passes over the oracular stone, and interpreted the runes that formed under it's surface.
YEP. THAT'S THE PLACE. HAVE FUN.
"Overly casual the crystal is. But place it seems to be."
"Then... Let's go!"
A pause.
"After Ranma finishes this set... there's only two songs and I LOVE her rendition of the opening theme from the Tenchi Muyo TV series..."
####
To Be continued with a vengeance...