Girl
Days
Part Eleven
By Kenko
Girl Days
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Robert Haynie
(And the crowd rejoiced at the disclaimer space.)
Part Eleven: Party!
There were aspects to Ranma Saotome's life that could be considered unusual.
He turned into a girl with cold water, he had at least three fiancees, he was regularly attacked by superpowered martial artists, his father turned into a panda, he was the only known master of the Neko-ken, and at the moment was wearing a dress. That he-- or rather she-- had bought for herself.
Okay, damn near EVERY aspect to Ranma's life was unusual.
For example, Ranma and Akane were arguing.
This in itself wasn't unusual. The subject matter, however, was.
"Akane, I don't care how much better you're getting in the Art, you won't look right in my leathers, and that's not just because they won't fit you!"
"Well, if YOU can dress like a tough girl, I can too! So I'll just get some of my own! Daddy, will you STOP that?"
Soun was-- predictably-- bawling his eyes out. "WAHHHHHHH! My little girl wants to be her husband!"
"I do NOT! I just want to prove to Miss Macho here that I can be as tough as she can!"
Ranma sighed. "Look, I just don't think it's your style. You're, well, more feminine than I am by nature," she said, resisting the urge to add, (Not by very damn much, though!) "You should wear, if challenged, something more, well, you."
"Like what?" Akane growled.
"Well... actually... I kinda thought about that already. So, I got you something..."
"You... you did?"
"Well, yeah. I mean, you're my student, and that means you're going to be challenged eventually, and well, I don't want my student looking bad, right? So I just got you something..."
"Ran-- I mean, Sensei, that's... an honor." She'd wanted to call it sweet. Or nice. But at the moment, she realized that that might not be the best thing to say.
"It's nothing. Well, not nothing, but... aw, it's in my room. Come on, let's see how it looks on you."
The two went upstairs. Soun started to calm down-- a bit-- reducing the usual floodgates to a mere trickle.
Kasumi came in, carrying a tea set and cookies. She'd heard the discussion and suspected that they might be needed.
And as Akane came down practically glowing-- she gasped. "Akane, is... is that proper?"
"Sensei says it works on me," Akane retorted.
And it did. Akane was wearing a sort of severely modified version of one of Ranma's Chinese outfits. A yellow cheongsam-like tunic-- fitting just as closely but slit up both sides, and only reaching to the knee-- without sleeves over a pair of black tights. The red sash at the waist added just the right accent. Of course, a normal cheongsam doesn't have a v-neck that exposed a, well, distracting amount of cleavage. Add to that a pair of Ranma's bracers and a yellow sash around her head and Akane was, quite frankly, looking both more dangerous and more sexy than she'd ever had.
Ranma followed, in her leathers. "Ready to test the uniform, student? Well, maybe after a cup of tea first."
"Hai, Sensei! Do I really look good?"
"I can say you've never looked better, Akane. In... in more than one way." Ranma had expected the outfit to be effective, but even she hadn't expected it to be as effective as it was. Female she might be at the moment, but it was a definite male eye that was appraising the girl.
(Okay. NOW she's sexy...) she thought.
After tea and a short rest to allow Akane to get used to the rather close fit of her new uniform, the two repaired to the dojo proper to do some light sparring. Nothing like the heavy training that Ranma had been giving Akane recently-- well, Akane thought of it as heavy, although she knew well that Ranma was holding back-- but more like airborne kata.
"Ack."
The two stopped to see Ryoga staring in a now familiar fashion. Ryoga hadn't been at the fight that had introduced the ward to Ranma's leathers, and since Akane had never worn her new uniform until today, he certainly hadn't seen that either. Akane looked like a somewhat modest Mai Shiranui from the Fatal Fury videos, and Ranma looked like-- well, Ranma in skimpy and tight black leather.
The results were a nosebleed. For once, Ryoga didn't pass out, although there's no telling what would have happened if they had been sparring in bikinis.
"A--Akane. What are you doing in Chicago?"
"CHICAGO?!?" blurted Ranma. "This is NERIMA! How can you get the idea you're in CHICAGO?"
"I'm not?" Ryoga said with some disappointment. "Darn. That's where I was headed. They have the greatest hot dogs in Chicago."
"How would you get there, anyhow?" asked Akane.
"Walking."
"How can ANYONE walk to Chicago?" demanded Ranma, unbelieving.
"Well, I've done it before. It's just outside of Osaka, after all... isn't it?"
"I do not believe you," said Ranma, shaking her head. Akane, dumfounded, just gazed. And went to check the family atlas on the off chance that there was a Chicago outside of Osaka.
Oddly enough, there was. The mystery would continue...
####
Somehow it didn't seem to be a shock that Kasumi knew how to make a Chicago style hot dog, had the materials to do so, and was able to whip a couple up for the half-starved Lost Boy in less than fifteen minutes. It should have been, but it wasn't.
Ryoga ate slowly, looking at Akane. Mainly because he couldn't bring himself to look at Ranma. Every time he thought he'd gotten used to the training that the redhead had been undergoing, something like this would happen. It wasn't good for his nerves. Or, for that matter, his blood pressure.
Then again, the snug and revealing outfit Akane had on wasn't helping a lot either. Ryoga began to take an intense interest in the caraway seeds that were mixed into the sauerkraut on his hot dog.
"Ah... why are you guys dressed like that anyhow?" he inquired.
"Fighting uniforms. They're meant to distract the opponents," Ranma replied.
Ryoga thought about that. His nose began to ache. "I... I'd say they'll work."
"Thank you, Ryoga," said Akane, feeling really flattered. She sat up a bit straighter, which caused the tunic to tighten a little bit, and Ryoga to almost choke on his hot dog.
(Ranma couldn't have planned this to embarrass me. Could she?) He looked suspiciously at the girl in question, and almost choked again. Ranma had chosen that moment to stretch-- arms above the head, back arched, head back-- innocently, of course. She had just come from sparring, after all.
Ranma didn't know that that was also one of the classic sexy-as-hell poses that swimwear and lingerie models had been using for years.
Ryoga urked. It might not have been intentional, but it was disturbing. Also inflammatory. "Will you STOP that?"
"Stop what?" asked Ranma, in genuine confusion.
"Stop LOOKING like that!"
"I can't help how I look!"
"You're doing it just to bother me!"
"Doing WHAT?"
"Ryoga, what are you talking about?" asked a confused Akane. She couldn't see anything that Ranma had been doing this time. "She hasn't teased you or called you P-chan or anything."
"You feeling all right, buddy?" asked Ranma. She was wondering if the lost boy had finally flipped.
"I'm going to feel fine when you stop doing that!"
"Doing WHAT?"
"THAT!"
"I am not going to continue a loony argument like this," Ranma sniffed. She stood up, bent over to get her teacup, and accidentally shot Ryoga a very good look at her cleavage. (Honest, it was an accident!)
Ryoga angry glare suddenly glazed over. Then he slowly toppled over.
"What's wrong with Ryoga?" asked Akane in sudden concern.
"I have NO idea, I never could figure him out, and I'm NOT about to try," retorted a miffed and confused Ranma. She went upstairs to change into something more normal while Akane tried to see Ryoga had a fever. He didn't, but he did have another nosebleed...
####
"So, you have your costume for Saturday?" asked Ranma on the way to school.
"Hai. And I'm really pleased with it too... I put a lot of work into it. How about you?"
"Well, mine wasn't really that hard to make... but yeah, I got it ready. Looks to be pretty decent." Ranma tossed her head, to get a few strands of hair out of her face. It was a breezy day. "The hard part was finding the accessories."
"Oh? What are you going as?"
"That's a secret. You?"
Akane smirked. "The same. You'll see Saturday night."
"Hmm... well, we're about there-- down from the fence, rapid dash to the locker room, and to class on my mark-- now!"
One useful thing about the walk to school early on the fence while wearing bloomers underneath the uniforms to get to the gym on time was that there was less Kuno trouble. Today was an exception. The true heir to the art of being a near total idiot was waiting that morning. With a novel new approach.
"Fairest of women, oft have I granted you both roses as tokens of my regard. Oft have you refused them, nay, even scorned them. But at last have I, Tatewake Kuno, finally understood the reasons for your rejections of my tokens of affection."
"You figured out that we both consider you an incredibly annoying twerp?" sneered Ranma.
"Nay, for that is impossible."
"For once, he's right. He'll NEVER figure it out," noted Akane.
"It is obvious that my error was in choice of flora. Doubtless you desire other, more exotic blooms! Sasuke-- the blossoms for the blossoms of my heart!"
"Huh?" chorused the two.
And then they found themselves swamped by bouquets of lilies, pansies, daffodils, orchids, daisies, forget-me-nots, honeysuckles, chrysanthemums, and even a few wildflowers. Ranma and Akane found themselves looking very much as though someone had grabbed a florist's shop-- the whole thing-- and shaken it over their heads.
For a moment there was no movement from beneath the mound of flowers. Then a red-maned head poked it's way out from between some ladies-breath and some foxgloves. "Kuno. No. Baka."
And one supposes that we all know what goes here.
####
"I really really HATE that moron," fumed Ranma carrying her traditional buckets. "Making us late with a stunt like that..."
"Oooh, you and me both," added Akane, also holding the hated instruments of punishment.
"Shampoo want know if she can borrow stupid stick boy when is time for Ranma to pummel him after school?" asked the Amazon schoolgirl. Who was also in the hall, bucket wielding, for the sin of tardiness.
"Why?" wondered Ranma.
"Shampoo wake up late but would have been on time. Stick boy leave mountain of flowers on path, Shampoo's bicycle no slow down in time. Crash because of stupid flowers."
"I oughtta sell the jerk to the Amazons as kitchen help," growled Ranma.
"Ranma take lessons from mercenary girl?" smiled Shampoo.
"Huh? What'cha mean?"
"Ranma get paid selling stick-boy. Then Ranma get paid again, take stick-boy back."
Ranma and Akane both chuckled at the thought.
"What I don't understand is why Kuno isn't out here with buckets too. HE was late also," sighed Akane.
"Look out the window."
Akane followed Ranma's direction-- and giggled to see Kuno with a rake and broom cleaning up vast quantities of flowers. "Guess that's fair enough."
####
Lunchtime arrived. As the now usual gang began to open bentos (with the exception of the one grilling), Ranma arrived, glowering.
"Enzo again?" asked Sayuri.
"You know it. Damn, Kuno may be a jerk, but at least he tries in some way to be romantic. Enzo just... Arrgh."
"What did he do this time?"
"The usual. THIS time it included a love hotel, seventeen gallons of mayonnaise, and a walrus. Oh, and he wanted me to wear Mickey Mouse ears. The code won't let me really hurt him... but I'm not sure he's going to survive."
Akane gasped. "Ranma, you didn't--"
"Naw, of course not. But guess who overheard his proposition?"
"Who?" asked more than a few Helpers.
Then they saw a terrified Enzo fleeing from a screaming Kuno.
"You know, for giving me a break from pounding him, I'd almost go on a date with the moron. Well, maybe I'll let him buy me a cup of tea." Ranma thought. "Naw."
"Enzo hit on Shampoo also. What chocolate sauce and iguana skin boots have to do with dating?"
As Yuka and Sayuri explained Enzo, the high school's biggest pervert, to Shampoo, Ranma began to eat. Anger or no anger, food was food.
Shampoo listened for a moment, uncomprehending, and then suddenly flushed a brilliant red. "Shampoo skip lunch, go ahead eat hers. HEY, STICK-BOY! SHAMPOO HELP!"
"I guess I'll be nice and not pummel him after school after all, just dodge him. That's enough of a thank you... hey, good ramen."
As the Amazon joined in the chase after the terrified Enzo, Ranma snickered. And then ate. Lunchtime as usual, really, at Furinkan.
####
"So, you guys have costumes ready for the party Saturday?" asked Ranma after class.
"Yup. And mine's going to knock your socks off, Ranchan," replied Ukyo. "I put a lot of work into it."
"Shampoo have good costume too. Bet no-one expect it."
"Well, we'll see when we get to the party. And I'm really proud of mine," said Akane.
Ranma just smirked. Hers wasn't a slouch by any means...
####
"Bwee."
P-chan was not happy. As Ryoga, he'd planned to go to the party if he could find a costume.
Cold water wasn't what he'd intended for a costume.
Akane came by, grinning. Her costume was perfect-- and Ranma would have to admit that. Then she saw-- well, guess what happened next?
"Oh, P-chan, THERE you are. I wish I could take you to the party tonight... Hmm... P-chan, would you like to help me with my costume?"
The little pig nodded. Although at the moment he couldn't see HOW he could.
In a few minutes, he did. To his eternal mortification.
After a while, Akane came out, and displayed herself to Ranma. Who began to freak out.
"c-c-c-c-c--"
"No, it's P-chan! Look-- see? Not a cat! P-chan!"
Ranma peered, and relaxed. "You-- you're right. Not a c-cat, a pig. A... hey, you know that that character is a female, right?" She began to snicker.
"Well, yes, of course. What's your point, Ranma?"
"Well, only that that's probably the first crossdressing pig in history."
P-chan would have groaned. Or attacked. Or something. But being in costume and held by Akane, all he could do was attempt a piggy version of a meow.
"Bweeow."
It didn't QUITE work...
####
The Kuno Mansion. A hive of lunacy and insanity unlike any other place in Nerima... well, actually, most places in Nerima were hives of lunacy and insanity, but the Kuno mansion was a very NICE hive of lunacy and insanity. Being rich had it's moments.
They were greeted by Sasuke, who was the only member of the staff that anyone ever actually saw. The entire staff at the Kuno estate were ninja, and had this fetish about not being seen. In fact, even Sasuke hadn't seen the chief chef in six years, and no-one was quite certain who changed the bedclothes any more... it just sort of seemed to get done.
Ranma had been there a few times, but rarely of her own free will. Only a sizable amount of cash and a much desired CD were bringing her here tonight. Both she and Akane were wearing cloaks to hide their costumes.
And as they entered the hall, and doffed said cloaks, there were more than a few appreciative murmurs.
Akane had a damn near perfect Sailor Mercury outfit. Boots, tiara, short as heck fuku and all. And as she had noted, yes, her legs WERE good ones. It only helped that P-chan was wearing a faux cat's tail, small extensions on his ears, fake whiskers, and a white crescent moon on his forehead.
Yes, it was true, Ranma was right-- P-chan was technically crossdressing. Instead of a boy pig, he was representing the role of Luna-- a female cat. The only jarring note was the bandanna (with the small combat cocktail umbrella hidden within) that Akane had not been able to remove. Well, she'd been able to remove twenty-six of them before she gave up.
Ranma, on the other hand, was a near dead ringer for the video game heroine Lara Croft. Khaki shorts over a blue leotard, hiking boots and a backpack, and even a toy automatic rifle and paired waterpistols. She'd even gone back to her familiar pigtail for the role.
"Wonder what the others are planning?"
"We'll see... hey is THAT Kuno? NOT what I'd expected," Ranma replied.
Kuno, she'd thought, would be on his usual Samurai kick. He nearly always was. But not this time.
Instead, the familiar fedora, battered leather jacket, bullwhip--
"I have to admit," Ranma whispered, "Kuno makes a pretty good Indiana Jones."
"Lara Croft and Indiana Jones-- maybe you ARE a couple after all?" giggled Akane.
"Do not even THINK of going there."
Nabiki chose that moment to arrive. She'd given long and hard thought to her outfit. She had decided to wear something that no-one would ever expect her to wear and that would attract the eyes of the businessmen she hoped to make contact with.
And what would attract businessmen more than the classic Playboy Bunny? Nabiki KNEW that she had the build for it, and wasn't afraid to demonstrate the fact. Besides, much teasing potential was inherent in the skimpy bodysuit and ears.
Shame? What was this shame thing? Besides, the outfit was cheap.
"Hey, Ranchan-- what do you think?"
Ranma blinked. Ukyo was not usually given to feminine garments. This was feminine-- but also had nearly as much attitude as Ranma favored.
Leather skirt and bodice. Boots and armor. One unexpected combination.
Ukyo, Warrior Princess. SOME people should not be allowed to watch Xena... but on Ukyo it looked good. Ranma began to chuckle.
"Not bad, Ucchan... not bad at all. Although doesn't Xena carry a sword instead of a spatula?"
"Hey, a girl's gotta go with her own nature. I wonder what-- I do NOT believe this."
That statement was prompted by Shampoo's entrance. Most people had expected the Amazon to wear something very very revealing-- she usually did, after all.
Instead, she was dressed in a very demure outfit. Long robes, complex trim, a new hairstyle--
"Do they have Amazons on Jurai?" quipped Ranma.
For Shampoo, who had decided that since Ranma wasn't responding to her usual "be sexy as all hell" routine, had decided to be ladylike. And who is more ladylike while still being a warrior than Ayeka from Tenchi Muyo?
She bowed, carefully, and replied, "Shampoo not know, Lord Ranma, but should have."
"Isn't that Lady Ranma right now?" smiled Akane.
"Whatever," replied Shampoo. "Ranma like costume?"
"Well... it's certainly a different look for you..."
"Shampoo thank."
"Got to admit, Ranchan, we're all kind of dressed in opposite ways."
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"
"Except her," sneered Akane.
Kodachi had made her entrance. And her costume-- what there was of it-- was impressive. Tiny. Black. Skulls. Bikini. Impractical as all hell.
"Well, she's at least got the laugh right," mused Ranma as Kodachi descended the stairs in the classic Naga the White Serpent outfit from the Slayers movies.
"And most of the attitude, and the lunacy, and the ego..." added Akane.
"Bweeow," commented P-chan.
Ukyo raised an eyebrow. "You got a smart pet there, Akane-chan-- I think it's actually trying to mew."
"P-chan's a very very smart piggy, aren't you, P-chan?"
"For a pig, yeah," muttered Ranma.
"Shampoo not know crazy girl's outfit?"
"Slayers. Pretty decent show."
"Not look decent to Shampoo. Look indecent."
Giggles rippled through the group. Oh, and a snickering "Bwee."
Others arrived. Some more outrageous than others. Oh, there were the usual cowboys, singers, and the like-- but there were also the more imaginative.
Yuka and Sayuri had decided that if Ranma could be daring, they could-- if only for a costume party where it could be excused. They made, with wigs to help, a fairly decent classic Dirty Pair.
Hiroshi and Daisuke, who would be the first to admit they knew squat about any real martial arts, nevertheless decided to also attend in matching costumes-- as Ryu and Ken from the Street Fighter videogames/anime.
Take notes people, because this is going to be significant...
####
Cologne sat in the Nekohanten alone with Mousse, who hadn't been invited and was needed at the restaurant anyway. Something was preying on her mind-- something that she couldn't quite put her finger on.
"Mousse, bring me the Crystal of Leng-Khao."
As the nearly blind Master of Hidden Weapons And The Occasional Really Silly Object went to get the requested object, Cologne sat nervously. It had been a long while since she had felt this particular vibration in the aether. And it was not one she was happy about.
Looking deeply into the crystal, the Amazon matriarch began the arcane chant that would open it's scrying powers. The crystal began to glow, faintly, revealing characters, words that would tell the elder what she needed to know.
YOU'RE SCREWED.
She had hoped for something more detailed...
####
"Ah, pony-tailed-- no, flame haired-- no, it's pig-tailed right now, isn't it? At any rate, overjoyed am I to see you and the lovely Akane Tendo at my humble affair."
"Mrrph," replied Ranma, her mouth full of cake.
Akane sighed. Loon deflection time. "Kuno-sempai, I hope you're not going to start getting demonstrative again..."
"Would that I could bask in thy beauty and allow you to reciprocate by basking in my glorious manliness, but as the host I must both mingle with the common crowd and keep my demented sibling from inadvertently poisoning the guests. Or advertently, for that matter. But fear not, for later I shall have proper opportunity to grant you both my undivided attention."
"Um, Kuno," asked Ranma, swallowing, "if there are two of us doesn't that mean your attention will _have_ to be divided?"
Kuno blinked, in mild confusion. Then the kendoist went off to ponder this puzzle.
"Not so bad a move," commented Nabiki. "Almost worthy of me, in fact. He'll be working that one out for at least five minutes."
Ranma nodded over a glass of punch. "Food's okay too. Tried this cake yet? It's good."
"Hai-- even P-chan likes it." Akane smiled at her pet who was daintily eating the confection in question. P-chan may have been a pig, but he wasn't a slob-- usually.
"Of course, these pork buns are pretty good too. And these rice balls. And the meatballs. And the dim sum. And the--"
"Ranma," wondered Nabiki out loud, "Do you ever think of anything but eating and fighting?"
"Sure. There's sleeping."
Nabiki groaned. She wasn't QUITE certain that Ranma was joking.
####
"Stupid oracle." Cologne glared at the crystal in aggravation. "Could you possibly be more specific?"
YOU'RE REALLY SCREWED.
"That's not telling me anything helpful..."
SEVERELY SCREWED? MAJOR SCREWED? SCREWED BEYOND BELIEF?
It is a little known fact that in the Amazon dialect of Chinese there are no less that sixty-two ways to call someone or something a moron. Cologne ran through them all twice in three and a half minutes.
####
"You know, the number of people hitting on Ranma's been pretty light tonight."
"Well, maybe some boys are getting a clue."
"Or maybe it's because there's a rumor that the guns are real."
Hiroshi and Daisuke nodded to each other. Then they went to strike up a conversation with Yuka and Sayuri, who looked very nice in the Dir-- ah, Lovely Angels costumes.
####
Cologne had just created a sixty-third way to call someone or something a moron when Mousse passed by and said, "Maybe you should ask it why we're screwed?"
"Mousse, you idiot. Oracles don't work that way. You have to use arcane and careful methods to extract the required information. You don't just tap the thing and say, 'Hey, Mister Crystal, just exactly WHY is it we're screwed?' If we could... do... that..."
BECAUSE A SOMEWHAT INSANE WIZARD NAMED FRED YERFBURGER, FROM PILLOW CREEK MINNESOTA, POPULATION 237, IS IN NERIMA RIGHT NOW. HE'S GOING TO DO SOMETHING VERY VERY STUPID WITH THE LOST AMULET OF IMPRESSIONS AND CAUSE A SEVERE REALITY INVERSION. YOUR ONLY HOPE IS A GROUP OF YOUNG BUT RATHER ILL-DISCIPLINED MARTIAL ARTISTS THAT ARE AT THE MOMENT DRESSED IN A WIDE ARRAY OF COSTUMES AND ENJOYING SOME RATHER FINE PUNCH AND FOODS.
OH, AND BY THE WAY. YES, YOU SHOULD GIVE DUCK-BOY A RAISE FOR THIS. YOU NEED ALL THE GOOD KARMA YOU CAN GET.
Cologne decided to use one of Ranma's techniques at that moment. And Mousse was treated to the remarkable sight of the Amazon beating her head against the table.
Then she gave him a raise. And dashed off to a certain party.
####
Many people consider the arcane temples of China or Tibet to be the greatest sources of mystical knowledge. Others speak in hushed tones of the bayous of Louisiana where dreaded voodoo priests dwell. A few will mention the lost ruins of Tanis in Egypt, or the strange and hidden places that lie beneath Stonehenge. Still others mention such dreaded places as Phoenix Mountain, or the citadel of the Musk Dynasty. And a few-- very knowledgeable, very wise, and very afraid-- speak of Arkham, Massachusetts and the dread library of Miskatonic University.
For some reason no-one seems to know about Pillow Creek, Michigan, which just happens to have the highest per-capita ratio on the planet of wizards, witches, sorcerers, magi, and the like to those who are classed as not being such. In fact, the only "normal" person there is Earl Gillespie, and he runs the combination gas station, convenience store, and post office.
Population 237, of which 236 are magically active in one way or another.
And in that small town, seemingly like any other small town, there's the required town jerk. You know, the guy who nobody likes? The one with a chip on his shoulder for no apparent reason? Well, in this case it was Fred Yerfburger.
Fred's chip was because he wanted to rule the world.
Now, to any serious practitioner of magic that is clearly stupid.
First, because cosmic law won't LET a wizard rule the world-- something or someone always stops you before you can cast the last rune, and then it's be cut down by the barbarian time, or be shot by the dashing hero time, or get your butt kicked by some martial artist whose name probably begins with R, ends with A, and is an aquatransexual time. (This is called foreshadowing.)
Second, because even if you DID rule the world, the time it would take to administer it would take time away from the arcane studies that magi like so much.
And third, because in the honest opinion of most real mages, it's a lot more gratifying to kick back with a sixpack and a cute nature spirit, watch "The Witches of Eastwick" and poke fun at the errors, and cuddle a bit.
In other words, once you become really enlightened into the true meaning of the universe and master it's eldritch powers, you realize that it's no big deal after all, and just settle for kicking back with aforesaid cute nature spirit and conjuring the occasional Budweiser.
REAL wizards are a pretty laid back bunch, in general.
Fred was an exception. He didn't like beer, he wasn't that fond of study, and he was determined to prove that Cosmic Law was wrong. Fred was powerful, Fred was capable, and Fred was a nutball.
Fred wasn't, however, stupid. Try to start taking over the world at home and he'd get dogpiled by 235 really pissed off magically active people who would be very angry at his interfering with their beer-conjuring and nature spirit cuddling. Plus Earl would be hitting him with that damn mallet he'd bought from a Japanese importer again. (Where the hell did Earl KEEP that damn thing, anyway?)
No, THIS time he'd go to a far off land where he would find little or no opposition. By the time any of his neighbors had figured out what was going on, it would be too late, and he would be able to shape the world to his liking.
And he had the perfect place to start-- a quiet, ordinary place in Japan called Nerima.
Hmmm. On second thought, maybe Fred WAS stupid.
####
The party went on. That's what a good party does, and even if it WAS being held by the Kunos, it was a pretty good party.
Kuno himself had decided to research what the common people did for fun. To his surprise, poetry readings, samurai epics, and listening to him proclaim his personal greatness wasn't on the list. However, eating, drinking, dancing, and something truly fascinating was.
The fascinating thing was a novel idea called karaoke.
Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, Tatewake Kuno was actually aware of a personal shortcoming. He knew that he couldn't sing. He was painfully aware that he would have a hard time carrying a tune.
In fact, he'd have a hard time dragging a tune in a bucket at the end of a heavy chain attached to a four-wheel drive pickup truck. IF the bucket was helpfully strapped to a skateboard.
But that didn't mean that the paired angels couldn't sing for him... and he'd thusly gone and purchased a BIG karaoke machine with a LOT of songs, the lyrics albums, and a wide screen projection video system for atmosphere. He looked forward to what he knew would be songs of gentle love and precious romance emitted from the voices of the angelic Akane Tendo and the girl who kept changing her hair all the time but was a fiery tigress after his heart anyhow.
The problem was that said fiery tigress wasn't cooperating.
"Akane, I don't wanna sing no songs."
"Ranma, you've got a great voice as a girl, and you know it. Besides, everyone else is."
"I ain't everyone else," complained Ranma, forgetting to talk like a proper girl. "Besides, I just know there ain't a song in there I'd like anyhow."
"You can look, can't you?"
"I guess..." Ranma knew that Akane wouldn't let her off without at least one song. "But you go first."
Akane blinked. "Well... I don't know about THAT..."
"I won't unless you do."
"Okay, fine. I'll sing and then you sing. Deal?"
"Deal."
Akane went to look for the songbooks, and started thumbing through them. Ranma turned to the crossdressing piglet, and asked, "So, P-chan, which song are you gonna sing?"
"Bweeow," replied the pig, giving Ranma a dirty stare.
Ranma chuckled. And then noticed to her personal horror that Akane was mounting the stage that Kuno had set up, microphone in hand, and talking to Sasuke who, rather than his accustomed ninja garments was wearing a sort of sequined DJ outfit.
(Kuso-- she IS gonna sing something, and that means I'LL have to sing something, and... Kuso.)
And at that thought, Akane started to sing the annoyingly appropriate "Moonlight Densetsu".
And, in fact, she wasn't bad.
(I'm impressed. Hmm... I have to find a song that's me... something with attitude...)
As Ranma started to thumb through the songbooks, P-chan thought of a simple plan to embarrass her. The transpig might not at the moment be trying to kill the girl in training, but there wasn't anything wrong with making her look like a fool. All he had to do was to sneak up to the karaoke setup, pull the sound cables, and instant silly-looking Ranma.
The pig began a stealthy approach to the stage.
Ranma chose her song. Perfect.
The pig began to approach his target.
Ranma took the microphone, and said, "I really should be wearing a bustier and miniskirt for this song, but..."
The pig, who was right in front of one of the speakers, froze. No. She wasn't going to sing--
We digress here for a small explanation. Ranma, although it's not noted in either the anime or the manga, sings in the shower. And it's always the same song, and it should be played loud. And Ryoga/P-chan knows this.
Ranma nodded to Sasuke, who turned up the volume. After all, this song needed to be loud.
And the redhead went into a very very spirited rendition of "Konya Wa Hurricane".
Also a very very loud one.
Everyone enjoyed it immensely except a half-deafened pig.
Who was blown halfway across the room by the speakers.
It is fate.
####
The wizard named Fred approached the mansion. Ah, here were where the ley lines intersected. Here was the place to use the Amulet of Impressions. Here he would cause chaos by bring the inner nature to the outer surface.
And surely the inner nature of most were weak, so he could easily master the world.
Insert patented Evil Laugh #174 here.
####
"Wow, Ranma, that was great!" enthused Yuka.
"Yeah! Maybe you should form a band!" agreed Sayuri.
"I didn't know that you could sing that well," added Hiroshi.
"You wiggle really nice when you sing, Ranma," said Daisuke.
Two Lovely Angels and one Street Fighter bapped Daisuke before Ranma could.
"Such a moron. You don't think you could give us another song? I mean, you DO sing well," Hiroshi said. "If you ever wanted to, you could be an idol singer, for sure."
"You ever seen what they make idol singers wear?" retorted Ranma. "No WAY am I going on stage in one of those lacy dresses. Why do you think I chose Konya Wa Hurricane?"
"Because it's what you sing in the shower in the locker room every day?" quipped Akane.
"Hey, I like the series, I like the song. And I never had the right voice to sing it until the Girl Days training... well, didn't want to admit it anyway. I guess I like to sing."
"Hey, Ranma, if I can get you a blonde wig, a miniskirt and a bustier, will you sing it again?"
"Dai, you WANT Ranma to get medieval on you?" asked Hiroshi.
"I dunno... I would look good in that outfit... but no. I don't think so," Ranma smiled.
"Besides, where would you find a Priss costume anyhow?" asked Yuka.
"I was just asking..."
"You were just being a pervert," Sayuri retorted.
"Hey, there's nothing perverted about a guy wanting to look at a pretty girl in a miniskirt! Now, a poodle costume, THAT would be perverted," Daisuke countered.
There was a long pause.
"You've been talking to Enzo again, haven't you?" asked Ranma.
"Well... only to try to save his life before you kill him..." replied Daisuke, weakly.
"Besides," Ranma said, to divert the imminent death of Daisuke, "I don't have such an outfit, and neither does anyone here."
"Such is not a problem, fire-haired goddess," came a really really unwelcome voice. "Indeed, we have a complete set of almost any garment that either you or the fair Akane could ever desire to wear in your sizes. Although, I fear, I have not such a wig on hand," Kuno said.
"Why the HELL would you have-- no, never mind, I really don't want to know," sighed Ranma.
"Dare you," grinned Akane.
Ranma gulped. Somehow this seemed familiar. "Don't wanna."
"Aw, it would be so cute, Ranma," put in Sayuri.
"Don't wanna."
"You'd be the hit of the party," Hiroshi noted.
"Don't wanna!"
"We could sing backup for you," added Yuka.
"Don't Wanna!!!"
"Personally, sugar, I'd pay money to see that myself."
Ranma gave Ukyo an accusing glare. "Don't WANNA!"
"Lady Ranma not afraid?" asked Shampoo, grinning. She was a closet BGC fan, and would love to see this.
"You TOO? I DON'T WANNA!"
This went on for a while. The inevitable result was that Ranma found herself with a change of costume, unbound hair, and on stage again.
(Where in HELL did Kuno get a perfect dupe of the Asagiri outfit from episode one anyway?) grumbled Ranma internally, as she began to reprise the number--
And something really really stupid happened.
####
Fred cast his spell.
Unfortunately, he didn't get it quite right.
His intent was to bring the inner nature to the outer surface.
Instead, he bought the outer surface to the inner nature.
For most of the people in the area that meant absolutely nothing-- on a purely spiritual level. But to a pack of costume partygoers...
Cologne arrived exactly seventeen seconds too late. She stared in shock as buildings appeared from nowhere, wildly mismatched. A van grew from nothing nearby. So did an Aston Martin, circa the mid Sixties. On the roof of the Kuno mansion a conveniently placed spaceship appeared.
And Cologne could only think of one thing to say...
"Oh, shit."
####
to be continued.