Ranma opened her eyes slowly, the light from the morning sun shining right in her face. She could hear the caws of birds outside, their desperate mating calls searching for companionship. Warmth surrounded her, a primal comfort she'd missed for ages without realizing it. The young woman looked downward for a moment to get a glimpse of her surroundings. She was in her own room, a place she shared for the moment with her mother. Warm turquoise silk swam about her, a beautiful feeling to wake up to... if she had been in a mood to enjoy it. She didn't feel like getting up; this place was safe, but the rest of the world waited to strip her bare. Closing her eyes, she thought back to the fight three nights previous. While she had certainly prevailed against Kodachi, it came at a terrible price. She had said some horrible things, and made threats she'd never even considered before then. She'd gone from fighting a controllable enemy to one totally out of her hands - herself. Her own words, accusations to the self, had forced her to confront who she was, and what she was becoming. She found that she didn't like herself much; she'd become no better than her old man. She lied, stole, cheated, blackmailed, and downright threatened to get what she wanted... like father, like daughter. Just who was she inside, anyway? Unconsciously snuggling inside the arms that held her close, Ranma began to ponder the situation, and comparing her past and present self to come to some understanding. If she was to go forward with her life, she had to know where she was, and what she was coming from. Her old self, not surprisingly, was not cast in a good light. He had had few friends, too many enemies to count, and a score of seemingly unsolvable problems. Even his 'friends' merely wanted something from him, then would turn their back on him at the first sign of trouble. Everything was his fault; he was in the wrong because he happened to live. However, that man knew what it was to keep on fighting...until the day when he couldn't fight himself any longer. She, on the other hand, was almost a polar opposite. She had friends now, and few true enemies. Her parents finally cared about her for who she was, rather than for some pawn to be married off or a paragon of masculinity. The fiancee problem had been put on hold, allowing her some room to think. She also lied, cheated, deceived, hit other girls...she'd become her own father, even while trying to become as unlike him as possible. Sighing, Ranma looked up to the person who held her. Nodoka looked so peaceful in her sleep; in her dreams, it seemed, she could live the life she'd always wanted. Ranma reached a hand up to touch her cheek, a tear forming in her eye. "Mom, what am I going to do?" she whispered. I don't want to lie...but I can't tell anyone the truth. I'd lose everything I care for...including you, Mom. You...I could see it that night we went shopping; you *need* a daughter, just as I need a mother right now. I...mom..." The sleeping confession done, Ranma sighed. She knew it couldn't go on much longer; sooner or later, something would have to give, causing those she loved to be hurt once more. On that day, she would cease to be Ranma Saotome... she would become worse than nothing, some freak half-woman who'd betrayed everything she was. She had to find a way to soften the blow, though, before more damage was done. Ranma closed her eyes and tried to go to sleep, tears spilling down her pillow at her future fate. *** Kasumi woke in her own room, a gentle smile adorning her face. Finally, after waiting like she'd always thought a girl should, she had decided to take the initiative with a man. As expected, things did not go as she had planned, but the end result had been worth every moment. By just sitting there in his clinic, the two of them had breached barriers that had kept them apart for too long. She didn't understand why he had fainted, and had feared that she had frightened him too much. After all, a proper Japanese woman did not pursue, but enticed others to pursue. In the end, breaking with tradition had paid off far more than she'd ever expected. In the past, Tofu had been so aloof, so unreachable. All of the books she borrowed, the cookies and snacks she made for him, all the small favours she did around his clinic...nothing seemed to work. He would either act ridiculously or simply stand there with no outward show of emotions. As a result, she had begun to fear that Tofu would never see her as anything more than a friend. Ranma, bless her heart, had changed that idea very quickly. She was the one who had been insistent that Tofu was the man for her. She had warned her of the silliness that was likely to occur, and that she had to keep the good doctor in line, but his fainting was almost too much for her. She vowed that she would do better today. Before she left him that night, Kasumi had told him that she'd be back. After all, Ranma needed to see a physician for her 'injury', and fast. Ranma wasn't the only one who needed consultation, though. *She* needed to talk to him, to seek his advice, to know his wisdom in dealing with Ranma's problem...and to know his soul when they were together. Because, if either one wasn't handled properly, her own future scarcely bore thinking about. *** Tofu Ono awoke to the sounds of the city, and yawned in sheer contentment. For the first time, he was able to view his love as a human being, a woman with charming faults and downright stunning frailties. For too long he'd seen her as a goddess, a woman for whom he'd risk everything for, but would never have a chance at approaching. Now that the first obstacle had been overcome, he could see the others on the horizon. First of all, he was much older that Kasumi - nearly a full decade older. While this was no concern to himself personally, it would be a concern to the protective Soun, perhaps leading to a confrontation between the two. Another problem was handed by the wild-card of the family: Ranma. Kasumi had told him of her problems, and knew that Ranma's act would have an adverse effect on the family. If he told of his love for Kasumi too soon, he could face the opposite problem: Soun could push the relationship too fast, resulting in problems similar to Ranma and Akane's over the past year. Fortunately, there was no more room to waffle anymore. He was a doctor; he had an obligation to his patients, including Ranma. He was also a man, with a love for a woman who shared that love, and he would not let that promise down. With their visit today, Tofu Ono would have to face the problems as both doctor and man - and hope his dreams come true as a result. *** Ranma sat in the waiting room of Tofu's clinic, pretending to concentrate on some hopelessly out-of-date magazine. She was starting to feel nervous about the idea; while she knew that the doctor's help would eventually be necessary, she still wanted to drag as few people into her deception as possible. Asking a trained, trusted professional to lie was not what she had originally planned. Beyond that, there were other things scheduled for this trip, examinations that, while she had gone through them before, still didn't feel comfortable. The pelvic exams had been necessary ever since she was cursed, and she herself cursed them every time she had them. A shadow fell across the page, and she looked up. "Ranma? It's time." Tofu stood waiting for her, Kasumi by his side. She nodded, then followed them back into the examination room. "So....which part do you want first? The physical exam, or the psychological one?" Ranma grimaced. "The physical. Let's get that over with as soon as possible." She slipped off her clothes, wrapped the gown around herself, then gritted her teeth as she felt the cool steel and warm hands probe her body, checking for any abnormalities or problems. She *hated* the curse at times like this, as it made her...*feel* things...which she still found uncomfortable. Fortunately, the exam usually didn't take very long; the good doctor rushed through the physical, and kept her distracted with casual talk. "So...Kasumi tells me you've been having some problems of late." Ranma nodded, trying to ignore the feel of steel against her...she still didn't want to know. "That's...*oh!* one way of putting it, Doc. I...need some time away from my old self." "Well, I can understand that," Tofu sighed, probing a sensitive area, "after all, you have been cursed to become a girl. It's only natural that you might want to explore it." Ranma clenched her teeth, as the explorations continued. "Well, I...I wish it felt natural to me. I...I find myself *wanting* to do this...and yet there's a part of me that's still fighting it." Tofu grimaced for a moment. "That's your male side talking, Ranma. You're half-girl; you need to go and see what it's like sometimes. Problem is, you've always been too macho to deal with it." "Gee, thanks, Doc," Ranma replied sarcastically. Tofu finished his probing, and pulled down Ranma's hospital gown. "I'm serious, Ranma. You spent all this time physically as a woman, but you never allowed yourself to admit it. And what was ALWAYS your response to anyone's questioning of your gender?" Ranma smiled sheepishly. "'I'm a guy, dammit.' Now, though..." "Now you're not sure what you are." "Yeah." She sat up, and crossed her legs. "I don't know who I am, Doc. Part of me wants to stay this way forever, to never go back to the old me. But..." Ranma folded her arms across her chest, a slightly sad expression coming to her face. "But what?" "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could live as both. I wish I could just wake up in the morning and decide, 'Okay, I think I'll be a girl today,' and act just as any other girl would. Unfortunately..." "Unfortunately, the rest of the family, as well as other people, don't see it that way," Tofu noted sadly. Ranma nodded. "I've got a father who's trained me to be a top-notch martial artist since I could walk. I've got a mother who'd make me commit seppuku if I was anything less than a 'man among men' I've got Akane, who's always calling me a pervert and would *really* think I was one if I tried anything like that. Then there's Mr. Tendo, Nabiki, the guys at school..." "Have you tried talking to Akane?" Tofu's gaze pierced into Ranma, making her feel unusually small. "Talking to her about what?" Tofu sat down on the bed next to Ranma. "Talk to her about how she feels. Ask her if she'd consider a relationship with you as you are now. Most importantly, be willing to listen. She probably doesn't know the answers herself, but she may be able to find them...if you're there. Finally, if it looks like she'd be receptive, tell her. She's your fiancee; she deserves to know." "Okay, Doc. I...have a date with her tonight, so hopefully we'll be able to talk then." Ranma jumped when she felt an arm on her shoulder. "Ranma...I'm not going to lie to you here. It sounds like you have gender dysphoria." She blinked. "Gender dys-what?" "In other words, you have the desire to live, either partially or fully, as a member of the opposite sex." Ranma nodded. "I could have told you that. In fact, I think I did." Tofu's voice turned strangely quiet. "It also means that you will be facing probably the greatest spiritual test of your life. To put it bluntly, Ranma, you have to find out who you really are, and where you want to fit into the world." He pulled Ranma to her feet, and walked her over to a mirror. "Ranma, tell me what you see." She shrugged. "I see...me." Almost instinctively, she started to make her reflection more presentable. "And are you a man or a woman?" Ranma finished her preening. "Well...at the moment, I'm a woman." Tofu whirled her around, his eyes intense. "Are you sure? I could get some hot water and change that reflection in a heartbeat." Ranma nodded. "That's my problem, isn't it? I don't know who I am." "And that is what you have to find out." Tofu sighed, and walked over to his desk. "The diagnosis that I'll give to them is that you have some personality problems caused by repeated blows to the head. The problems should fade in time if allowed to heal, or will merge with your old personality to become a part of a new personality. As for the real problem...I'm going to give Kasumi some books for you to read. Some of them will be directly tied to the problem...others will be to help you do some soul-searching. Okay?" Ranma smiled weakly. "O...okay, Doc. Thanks." Tofu bowed to his patient. "You're welcome." He looked over at Ranma's clothes, currently sitting in an orderly pile. "Now get dressed. Kasumi and Mr. Tendo will be waiting." *** The walk back to the dojo was certainly a quiet one - almost a funeral, Ranma thought. Soun was silent; he had taken Tofu's diagnosis with little enthusiasm. Occasionally he would steal desperate glances Ranma's way, but other than that remained in his own world. Kasumi, as always, walked right beside her father, a duffel bag of books carried away from Soun's gaze. Ranma, of course, was enjoying the day. There was just something about the feel of wind along her legs that sent chills down her spine, and she longed to drink in as much of the feeling as possible. She lightly skipped down the path, giving an occasional twirl just to feel the dress flow around her. It was a remarkably beautiful day, and she had vowed to enjoy each such day as much as she could. Besides, she had a date to prepare for...and a new life to forge. Upon entering the house, Ranma stepped out of her shoes, and ran up the stairs to her room. She walked inside, threw open the closet excitedly...then turned back around. Someone had done some serious redecorating to the room. The futons were moved out, replaced by a soft Western-style bed, complete with flower-pattern comforter and soft, plushy animals near the pillows. The other furniture in the room - a wooden dresser, a desk, and a full-length mirror - all were decorated with a woman in mind, though could be converted to a more unisex style at a moment's notice. A case for her cosmetics sat on top of the desk, as well as a small jewellery box for those few items she'd managed to acquire. For a moment, she wondered if Azusa had moved in. "So...do you like it?" Ranma's eyes moved around the room in wonder, eventually coming to focus at the door - and her mother. "Um...yeah. It's...beautiful." She walked over to the bed, and picked up a teddy bear. "Just one thing, Mom: How old do you think I am, anyway?" Nodoka grimaced for a moment. "Well, I...when you were younger, I always wanted you to have a pleasant childhood. I always regretted sending you off with your father, and I guess I tried to make up for it." Ranma gave her mother the best reassurance she could: a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Thanks, Mom. When did you arrange all this, anyway?" Nodoka smiled at the kiss. "A couple of days ago. I saw you were down after that Kodachi girl attacked, so I thought I'd try to cheer you up." "Well, it worked," Ranma whispered, a wry grin painted on her face. "This is... This is going to take some getting used to." She experimentally felt the soft mattress, then lay down on it. "This is definitely going to take some getting used to. How do people sleep on something this soft, anyway?" "Ask the girls. They're the ones who helped me on this." She sat down on the bed, and picked up one of the animals. "And as for these...blame Kasumi. She thought you could use the company since you're used to sleeping with your father." Ranma looked down at the teddy bear in her hands. Truth to tell, it was rather cute, with soft, brown fur, loose filler inside, and a slightly morose expression. "Uh...Mom?" "Yes, dear?" "There's one animal missing from the collection." Nodoka arched an eyebrow. "Really? And what's that?" "Well, I *am* used to sleeping with a panda bear..." Nodoka reached across the animals to grab one of the pillows, then swung it at her daughter. In seconds the two were engaged in a full-blown pillow fight, like ten-year-olds at a slumber party. *** Ranma slammed the book closed with a groan of frustration, and looked at the pile remaining for her to peruse. Tofu-Sensei had given her a book on 'her condition' to read, only to find it knew absolutely nothing about her condition. The doctors would talk of psychology and endocrinology, when the answer was far more complex. This was why the other books were there, Ranma guessed. Medical knowledge was one thing; the soul another. Science usually scoffed at the idea of the inner spirit, and ignored the most obvious details and symptoms as a result. Tofu had given her other books, tomes of spiritual guidance that would be invaluable help in discovering the soul, the essence of Ranma Saotome. Ranma closed her eyes and assumed a prayer position, letting her memories and feelings guide her home. Her journey was short-lived, however, as a knock from the door brought her from her reverie. She placed the book on top of her desk, and turned to the door. "Ranma, are you okay in there? I thought I heard a scream." Ranma winced. "Yeah, Akane, I'm okay. Come on in." The moment Akane walked in, Ranma could tell that something was bothering her. Her hands were clasped together in front of her dress, and her eyes met the floor almost as often as they met Ranma's. "What are you doing, Ranma?" Ranma tapped the book lightly, making sure its title was obscured. "Oh...doing a little reading that Tofu-Sensei recommended. He apparently thinks I have some sort of problem from the knock you gave me earlier, and was hoping this would fix it." Akane looked hopeful for a moment. "Will it?" Ranma shook her head. "Not likely. It...if it was given to me by anyone but Tofu-Sensei, I'd wonder what it had to do with me." "Oh." Akane continued to stare at her feet. "What's wrong, Akane?" Akane wrung her hands together. "I...it's nothing, Ranma." Ranma simply looked at her, then moved over to the bed. Her hand gestured for Akane to join her. "Talk to me, Akane." Akane sat down, and began to make artful markings with her feet. "Ranma...do you remember when you first came here? When all the guys were trying to beat me up?" Ranma nodded. "Well, having to fight Kunou and everyone every day was bad, but it wasn't the worst part of it. The worst part was going to the locker room every day...and hearing the whispers." "Whispers?" Akane grimaced. "You know what the other girls are like sometimes, how gossipy they can be...Anyway, back then, they thought that, just because I was fighting all these guys every day, that I was..." "It's okay, Akane." Ranma put her hand over Akane's, to help soothe her nerves. "I'm here." The comfort was all Akane needed to continue. "They thought I was a lesbian. They shunned me from all regular activities - except when they wanted to win some sports event, of course - and just made my life a living hell until you came along." "You mean until my male form came along." Akane nodded in reply. Ranma edged closer to her, and put her arm around Akane's waist. "Akane, did I ever tell you about the day when I found out about my desires?" On seeing Akane's negative, Ranma continued. "I was in the locker room at the time. I...I hadn't really had a relationship since Ryouga, not because of any problems...but just because something inside of me didn't want to. I think...that something inside of me was trying to protect me." Akane blinked. "You had a relationship with Ryouga? Ranma rolled her eyes, "Of course I did. How do you think I discovered I don't like boys, at least not in that way? Anyway, I was in there getting ready to fight Hinako-Sensei. I *had* to beat her, so I ran in in my normal body with a girls' gym outfit to put on. There were a couple of other girls in there at the time, skipping class and just gossiping. I got a good look at one...and she got a good look at me." Ranma sighed, playing the 'memory' well. "In that moment, I was glad that I had changed back to a girl. If I was a guy, my desires would have shown too well. She had the most beautiful body, Akane, so much so that it was impossible to ignore what I was feeling. Her brown eyes seemed to capture me, holding me there while I took in the rest of her form. I...I found myself lusting after, wishing I could share in those perfect breasts, feel those legs that seemed to go on forever..." Ranma stopped for a moment as tears threatened. "It took me an hour to stop crying." Akane nodded. She'd been there. "I cried everyday after school until you came along." The arm around Akane's waist squeezed for a moment, giving her a reassuring hug. "Akane, I can't decide your life for you. If you want to back out of this, go ahead. It's not easy living as a lesbian. At first I blamed the curse, then Pop's upbringing. Eventually, I learned how useless blame was. Akane, I...I am me, for better or worse." She turned to touch Akane on the cheek. "I just hope you learn who you are - even if it is without me." Akane fought her own tears, and forced a simple smile. "I'd better get ready for our date." Ranma nodded, smiling. "So should I. See you in an hour, Akane." "Okay," Akane cracked. Ranma could see the tension in Akane's bearing, as well as the nervousness in her own. She wasn't sure, but she swore there was something mutual between them, a powerful friendship that, one day, she hoped she could call love. What she didn't know was who exactly Akane loved - the man who had appeared one day in her bathroom, or the woman that man had become. Sighing, Ranma moved back to the desk. There was another book that Kasumi had bought for her, one she desperately wanted to use. She brought the black hardcover out of its wrappings, and flipped through the pages. Blank - like her current self. She picked up a pen from a nearby drawer, and held it over the virgin paper. There was so much that she wanted to write. She could feel the doubts and dreams aching at her mind, urging to be put into corporeal words. After a full half-hour of searching, though, she could only find a few scant words to write: *My name is Ranma Saotome. I am a...I don't know what I am.* She stared at the words for a long time - perhaps too long. That was the crux of her dilemma, the whole source of the problem. She was no man. He was no woman. He was supposed to be one or the other. Somehow, in her case, the coin flip of gender had landed on its edge, leaving her with a precarious balancing act. A glance at the clock shook her from the diary. She didn't have much time; her date with Akane was supposed to start in thirty minutes, and she still had a lot to do. Pushing her questions to the back of her mind, she stripped off her clothes and began her preparations. She started her outfit as she had started her adventures a week previous - with a racy snow-white lingerie set. After all, if what she wore outside of her body flattered her figure, then she'd feel a lot sexier on the inside. After donning the bra and panties, she walked over to the mirror, the model's poses coming once she caught a glimpse of herself. She had to admit that she liked what she saw. Her body was something special, and she couldn't help but admire the forces that had come together to shape her. Artful curves and a healthy build were hers thanks to Jusenkyo, while years of exercise left her with lean, powerful muscle tone. The two combined made for a body to take anyone's breath away, man or woman. She walked over to the closet, and opened the doors wide. Her Chinese outfits were still there, taking up a good half of the used closet space. Along with them, though, were outfits she was starting to find more appealing... and more natural to her. She took out a skirt and blouse, and laid them on the bed. She was actually thankful she didn't have a full wardrobe collection; if she did, then choosing an outfit would have been more difficult. As an afterthought, she brought out some black hose, and walked back to her bed. She stopped for a moment after putting the hose on, as old questions came back to her. This time, though, the questions were different in focus. It was no longer about what she wanted. She had a good idea as to what she really desired, though there were still some doubts there. It was about what Akane wanted. Could Akane love someone who was, at most, half a man? Could Akane love someone who wasn't a man, and would never be again? Her mind went back to the doubts that plagued her after the Herb incident. Losing her manhood hadn't really frightened her, at least not as much as she thought it would have. Losing Akane, though...that scared her enough to keep going. She shook her head to dispel her fears, and moved to put on her skirt. It came on with a quick slide and zip, as though the movements were perfectly natural. She moved over to the desk, and began to apply her makeup. It took her longer than she'd have hoped. She wasn't as adept at it as she would have liked, unfortunately; years of girlhood had been compressed into days for her. Base and lipstick were easy; eyeliner wasn't. She ended up redecorating her eyes twice due to errors, a trial that nearly had her fuming. Still, after some persistence, she got her makeup on right, and moved to finish dressing. After putting on the blouse and looking in the mirror, she frowned. Something was missing... she just wasn't sure what. She tried putting on a short jacket to compliment the skirt, but that didn't go over well. Finally it dawned on her: Jewellery. She put on a thin gold necklace and earrings, to show off the curves of her neck and face. Once completed, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. The black skirt and hose shrouded her legs while showing off their shape at the same time, the blouse hid her figure enough for modesty while accentuating her pure femininity, and the makeup and body did the rest. Smiling, she picked up her shoes. It was time to get a second opinion. Fortunately, the second opinion concurred. All eyes turned on her the moment she walked down to the first floor. Soun's jaw rested on the floor, while her father just stood there, his eyes wide. The women in the room glowed with excitement; she'd obviously done well. "Ranma, you look absolutely beautiful!" Her mother eyed her carefully, making sure every button and accessory was in place. "It's nice to see you looking less like a tomboy." "Thanks, Mom." Ranma felt a lump in her throat. 'Tomboy' was a very good description of her...until now, that is. "I couldn't have done it without you." The two shared a hug, holding onto each other as though time were about to slip by. Time did slip by - in the form of a tuxedo-clad beauty. Akane chose that moment to walk downstairs. Her outfit was a clear variation on the old tuxedo, with a black short jacket with tails, slacks, and a rose on her lapel. Her gender, though, was never in any doubt; her curves were just too much for a mere article of clothing to hide. Besides, the hose and heels were a much-appreciated touch, giving an incongruous elegance to the traditionally-masculine outfit. She moved around to Ranma's field of vision, and smiled. "Ranma, you look...amazing." Vocal skills took a few minutes for Ranma to recover. "Thanks. Akane...that outfit...it suits you well. It...shows just how much woman you are, when you're unmistakeable even in an outfit like that." Akane clearly weighed the comment in her mind, then smiled. "Thanks, Ranma." She offered a hand to her more traditionally-attired date. "Care to accompany me?" Ranma looked at the hand, then smiled. "Why, of course, I would, kind sir! Just lead the way." The two left the house amid smiles and tears, and watched as the sun began to lazily set on the horizon. *** Sorry, the tux just called to me. Katrina Lee Halbred Hitomi Ichinohei Nicholas Leifker June 22, 1998--====================987654321_0==_ Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" --====================987654321_0==_--