Warning: Reading this fic over and over can cause discomfort in certain areas of your body. Your head and your stomach. Timing note: This is just after MST3K the Movie, so TV's Frank isn't around, but Dr. Forrester still is. Turn down your lights (and give yourself a severe case of eyestrain!) As the theme song ends, and we enter the Satellite of Love, Mike is wearing a toga over his jumpsuit and a garland of computer components (supposed to be laurels) around his head. MIKE: Fiends, Romulans, Countrymen, bend me your shears! TOM: That sucked, Mike. MIKE: I know, Tom, but I thought maybe if Dr. F. thought we were going insane, he might let us go. CROW: The chances of that happening are twofold: Slim and None. And Slim just got out of town, with None on the next train out. DR. FORRESTER: Right you are, Crow T. Robot. And it's now invention fair time! Mr. Nelson, you go first. MIKE: Well, Dr. F, you know how easy it is to find really poor lemons on the Internet which often hash the characters that are written about, right? DR. FORRESTER: Right. MIKE: Well, sir, I've come up with a really cool invention this week. . . Crow, bring out the invention. CROW: Uh, well, Mike. . . MIKE: Crow. . . TOM: Crow's the one who dropped it, Mike, it isn't my fault! I don't even have functional arms! DR. FORRESTER: Well, you nincompoops really fumbled the ball this week. MIKE: I had a really great invention, too! Crow, I'm gonna get you for this one! DR. FORRESTER: It's so hard to get used to not having an assistant these days, I do hope Frank comes back. Anyway, you little weenies, prepare to be amazed, astounded, CROW: Sickened, evennn. DR. FORRESTER: Well, there is that. Today's drooling adventure is an exercise in the dreaded Self-Insertion: "Mercury Mage Chronicles: Hentai Volume One" by Robert Bailey. And just because it's kind of short, NO BREAKS OF ANY KIND! I've reinforced the film to ensure it doesn't break, so INTO THAT THEATER!!! MIKE: AAAAAUGH!! WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIIGNN!!! <6: a metal iris-type door with six segments> <5: The faces of the Sailor Scouts adorn this door> <4: Four bowling pins stand in your way in a wide split.> <3: Queen Beryl's Generals are carved in bas-relief, each of their faces seen as they died. Jadeite is missing.> <2: A dog sniffs a fire hydrant> @ >Bare with me folks, This is my First Hentai Story I have ever Written. TOM: Isn't that the naked truth CROW: You might say he's nude to hentai stories. MIKE: That's enough you guys - show some skins here. >If you think it Sux Write me and Put "This Hentai Story Sux" as the >Subject if it is good Write me and put "This Hentai Story is Good" as >the Subject. ALL: Okay: "This Hentai Story Sux." >DISCLAIMER >THIS IS A HENTAI OR LEMON STORY ABOUT SAILOR MERCURY. CROW: [sighs] Ohhhhh. . . Ami-chan. . . TOM: Otaku! CROW: Fanboy! TOM: Otaku! CROW: Fanboy! MIKE: Guys. . . >READ IF YOU ARE >18 OR OLDER. MIKE: And you have a very high tolerance for pain. >IF YOU ARE NOT DON'T READ ANY FURTHER. TOM: Anybody see some punctuation here? If not, you should. >Sailor Mercury Does not belong to me, But I wish she Did. CROW: Oh no, it's another Self-Insertion story! AAAAAGH!!! MIKE: Take it easy, Crow! I don't want to try to replace your head again! CROW: [panting] Okay. . . okay. . . I'm better now. >Note: This story is Untitled and goes with the rest of my stories but >does not fit in till the gap between Part 5 and part 6. MIKE: You mean he's written more of them!? > TOM: Jeez, he can't even get a simple top-level address right! MIKE: This doesn't exactly bode well for us, old buddy. >********************************************************************** >The Mercury Mage Chronicals: Hentai Part 1 MIKE: ChroniCALs? TOM: DeCALs? CROW: MagiCAL? TOM: CALifornia? MIKE: Enough. CROW: RhapsodiCAL? MIKE: Do you want to get stuck with another Marrissa story? [Crow and Tom shut up] >She'd been waiting for this night for a about a Month. It was still a >little while till he arrived she thought. She still had time for a shower, >and prepare everything else as well. TOM: The whips, the chains, the hot oil. . . MIKE: I don't think this is a good sign. >So she went upstairs to the bathroom turned on the shower and started >to undress. CROW: Take it all offmmmth. . . MIKE: Can I let your mouth open again, or are you going to do that again? CROW: [shakes head] MIKE: Good. >She started on the blouse unbutton each button causually and slid out of >each arm, revealing a light blue silk bra that looked a little tight against >her skin, then dropped her blouse on the floor. She then dropped the >skirt she was wearing, revealing light Blue silk panties. She then stepped >in front of a Six foot high wall mirror and started to admire herself in the >mirror. MIKE: Nobody will be seated during the suspenseful undressing and admiring scene! CROW: Mike, you know how old that joke is? MIKE: (falsetto, as Cosette) "The words are old, but always true." >First she started on her Blue Eyes, ALL: [sing] Beautiful blue eyes. . . >then moved to her gaze upward and looked >at her hair, and tried to picture herself with long hair like Rei. MIKE: Nope. CROW: Uh-uh. TOM: Never gonna work, girl. Stick with it short. >then her >gaze >dropped to her chest, CROW: Here we go, guys. Hang on. . . >and noted to get a larger bra as this one was a little >to >tight. CROW: Little. . . to. . . tight. . . can't. . . breathe. . . MIKE: Ever notice how every bad hentai author makes their favorite Senshi ridiculously well-endowed? CROW: You're wonderful, buddy! Welcome to the fan club! TOM: [singing] Mike is an otaku, Mike is an otaku! MIKE: You know what, Tom? You're right, and frankly, I LOVE IT! >She then started to undo her Bra and looked at her breasts and Rose TOM: And Rose looked back at her, with love on her mind and MIKE: Finish that sentence, Tom ol' buddy, and I put a quarter in your head. TOM: [Audible noise as his mouth shuts] >colored nipples, wich were starting to harden just from looking at them. CROW: I've heard of sensitivity, but this is just nuts! >Her >gaze shifted to her pantys which were starting to get slightly damp from her >love juices. CROW: Why do women in anime lemons seem to get turned on just by looking at themselves? >She hooked her thumbs into the waistband of the panties and >slid >them down her legs and kicked them into a pile of clothes behind her. MIKE: Really? Did the pile of clothes mind? >She >noticed that some of the blue hair around her sheth CROW: Hey, she'th kinda thecthy. . . What'th her name? MIKE: I believe we call her the candy machine. >was getting wet from the >Love Juice, MIKE: New Welch's Love Juice, from concentrate! TOM: And you call me juvenile. . . MIKE: You be quiet. >and a Musky smell eminating from her mound. >She stepped into the shower stall and as the warm water splasher MIKE: The Warm Water Splasher. . . New, from Wham-O! >on her >breasts, her nipples finished harding CROW: After Harding finished Kerrigan. . . TOM: [mock-sobbing] Why me!? Why now!? >and everytime water hit her nipples it >sent a jolt through her body. MIKE: Is it water, or is it electricity? TOM: [Fabio's accent] Ah cahn't believe id's not buddah. CROW: You do that way too well for my taste, buddy. >She thought "it wouldn't hurt to masterbate." CROW: And then her mother burst in. . . MIKE: Get any closer to referring to Hentai Otaku and I'll duct-tape your beak shut. >and she started to rub her >nipples and moan. CROW: And there's another thing! How come everybody's so convinced that ALL the Senshi are moaners?? Huh? TOM: Mike, if you please? MIKE: It's a legitimate question. TOM: It's a fate worse than death. . . trapped in a theatre with two otaku! >Then she moved one hand slowly down her body and >started to rub her swollen clit. The the other and mirrored the first but >went >a little lower and slipped a finger into her loveboxand CROW: Loveboxand!? Did somebody's space bar momentarily break? >then slowly slid a >second >finger to join the first. TOM: Safe at first, but later on you will find out what a mistake that was. >She started to slowly move her fingers in and out >slowly >gaining speed, then with a load moan CROW: A "load" moan? Did somebody mention Metallica? >her muscles locked up and a little cum >dribbled out around her fingers. CROW: And then. . . TOM: Refer to "Usagi's Usual Morning" and I sit on your head. >After cleaning up she finished her shower MIKE: She's in the shower, wouldn't that kind of take care of itself? >and while she was stepping out of >the >shower stall she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. What she saw >was her >body covered with a thin layer of water TOM: Duhh, me not understand why. >which the light caught and made her >look >like a goddess eminating light. She grabbed a towel nd started to dry >herself off. MIKE: And then she hopped right back in the shower. >Then she went down the hall to her room and started to pick out clothes. A >dark >blue halter top that was two sizes to small, CROW: Hey, wait a sec, just a few minutes ago she was complaining because her bra was a *little* too tight, now she's got a halter top two sizes too small, what gives? MIKE: What passes for the author's brain just gave out. >Crotch-less panties, TOM: If it's an S&M flick, I'm out of here. MIKE: You know, that could bring a whole new meaning to the mmmph. . . CROW: [his hand is over Mike's mouth] I've been waiting to do that for SUCH a long time. . . >and a dark >blue >Mini Skirt. MIKE: And the darkness of the World, and the Mark of the Beast. . . TOM: This guy does NOT know how to use capitalization. >Then she went back down stairs and put a bottle of wine in a >bucket >of ice, placed 2 Blue candles on the table and lit them, the she went to the >stereo >and put in a clasical music CD, and set the timer for 15 minuets. MIKE: And one symphony. >After >double >checking the stereo, she went into the kitchen and made sure dinner was >ready. TOM: A correctly-formatted sentence! In a fic like this, that's something worth noticing! >After 10 minuets MIKE: And a short sonata, >the Door bell rang. She was a little worried, but not to >much. >She answered the door, and found Rob CROW: I was right! It's a self insertion! TOM: Like that's hard to figure out. >standing there, holding a bouquet of >Blue Roses. MIKE: [singing] I wanna lay you down on a bed of roses/while tonight I sleep on a bed of nails. . . >"For you, My Love," He said. and then asked to come inside. CROW: [as Ami] Go away and never come back! >After accepting the roses she said, "Come on in Rob." Then she waved him >into >the Dinning Room, where she said, "Sit down here, and dinner will be served >shortly." CROW: That sentence is just laden with hidden meanings, don't you think? >Just as she brought the food out to the table, the stereo Timer >kicked in TOM: If the stereo Timer kicked in *now,* what was it doing earlier? >and the slow, Romantic sounds of Chopin filled the Dinning Room. "Care to >dance, Ami?" Rob asked. "Yes," She replied, MIKE: Why else would I have set the music? >as Rob took her hand and led >her >to a clear spot on the floor. Then he started to lead her in a stately >waltz. After >dancing for about half an hour, Ami realized that dinner would go cold if >they did >not eat it soon. MIKE: That's Ami for you! Always thinking of every conceivable detail. >So Rob heled MIKE: I.P. Freely? I.P. Freely!? Hey, does anybody know I.P. Freely!!? >her to her seat and pushed it in after she >was >seated, then sat down himself. After a few moments he noticed the Bucket of >Ice >with the top of a bottle of White Wine protruding out of it. MIKE: Isn't Ami underage? CROW: Yeah, and I don't think that she'd be the kind to ignore that kind of little problem. >He opened the >Bottle >and poured some of it into Ami's Glass then his own. "To Us," he toasted, >"May >we have a Long life together." MIKE: To us. CROW: May the riffs always flow freely. TOM: May we eventually be allowed to leave this godforsaken satellite. ALL: Here here! >After Clinking their glasses they took a sip >and >started to eat dinner, Which Rob reheated with his Magic. TOM: [as Rob] Okay, if I tap these five red mana, I can make a really nifty fireball! MIKE: Is he burning the cards? CROW: If so, good for him. >After Dinner, >they >restarted the CD and danced for another hour they setteled down on the >Loveseat and drank a little more wine. After talking for about a half an >hour MIKE: Brace for impact. >Ami leaned over and kissed Rob on the lips and Then the kiss turned into a >Firey Passionate kiss with tounges TOM: Why can nobody EVER spell "tongue" right? >darting in and out of each others mouths >like a dance. After a few moments of kiss like this Ami stradled MIKE: Oh, stradle stradle stradle, I made it out of clay. . . >his lap >and >started to rub herself on his crotch, because of her doing this soon the >front >of Rob's pants and his Underware were soaked. TOM: That's what you get for standing out in the rain. Now go change those or you'll catch cold! >The moment her warm pussy >juices >touched his cock to came to full hardness CROW: Mmm, wet underwear always turns me on so much. . . CROW: Sorry, Mike - I couldn't resist. >and he reached for her breasts and >started to massage them after a few moments of this Ami Sneezed and the room >was filled with the sound of tearing fabric as her halter-top ripped in the >back and fell forward, MIKE: Gee, why's that? >leaving poor Ami topless. MIKE: That sentence was missing a few signs. CROW: Signs of decency. . . TOM: . . .Signs of coherency. . . MIKE: . . .And any sign of punctuation! >The sight of white skin on >Ami's breasts turned on Rob more than he had ever imagined, MIKE: He would have been able to imagine it if the skin there had been dark, but since it wasn't. . . >as he again >started to rub and massage them. "They fit my hand's perfectly" he thought, >as he started to rub her now rock hard nipples with his thumbs. The feel of >his warm hands on her breasts caused Ami to moan softly and she reached down >and undid his pants, then she reached inside his underware to start to >massage >his cock. TOM: Some watch Sailor Moon because of the creators' wonderful commentary on the human condition. CROW: Some watch it because it's a beautiful story of a girl growing up. MIKE: Rob here just watches it for the cute, underdressed and underaged girls. TOM and CROW: That's as good a reason as any! >Then one of Rob's hands slid down her body to her pussy where he >started to trace the outer lips of her sweet hole. The sensations of this >sent Ami's hormore MIKE: What the. . . the "n" and "r" keys aren't anywhere near each other. TOM: Maybe he's using a Dvorak keyboard? >level through the roof. Ami leaned over and wispered in >Rob's ear "Take me, please." At this Rob only chuckled and said "All in >good time, My love." CROW: I like teasing helpless girls. . . >Then Rob lifted her out of his lap and placed her down >next to him then he turned and kneeled on the floor between her legs and >placed his mouth near her so he could taste her. He started to trace >circles MIKE: Because he can't draw them on his own, even with a compass. >around her pussy, with his tounge, slowly getting smaller till her clit was >being licked gently at first then more and more vigorisly, slowly building >to >her second orgasm of the night, TOM: Hey, wait a minute, she never had the first one. . . >which sprayed in Rob's mouth which he >swallowed >savoring the taste, then he said "You taste good Ami!" Then Rob placed his >index finger at the entrance to her love cannel and looked up to her face >for >approvel and all Ami did was smile and nod yes, so Rob carefully slid one >finger up then slowly add another then yet another. MIKE: Oh god, not a fisting scene. . . CROW: I can't imagine why that would be pleasurable. Of course, I'm a robot, and I don't have nerve endings but still. . . MIKE: I'm a human and I still can't imagine why that would be pleasurable. It sounds painful as heck. >While his three fingers >were moving in and out of her Rob slid his tounge out and carefully flicked >her >clit over and over again, while Ami was squeezing and massaging her tits. >After >three minuets MIKE: And a cello concerto. . . TOM: Are you going to quit with that? >or so of this Ami orgasmed again, after slowly coming down >from >this one she told Rob, "Take me now, Please Rob, take me now." MIKE: Kill me, kill me now! >Rob pulled >down >his pants and underware MIKE: No, WRONG, you're supposed to let the girl do that. >he moved into position and slowly rubbed the head of >his >penis up and down her soaking wet slit, then he placed it at the entrance to >her >sweetness and asked "Are you ready?" MIKE: No. TOM: No. CROW: No. >Ami, who was very close to orgasming >again >just said "Yesssss" between moans. He then thrusted his hips forward >quickly >and Ami screamed in Pain and Extasy. Rob quickly apoligized for the pain >and >then told her that he was all the way in. While he waited for her to get >used >to the feeling of a penis inside of her he gently kissed her nipples and >then >kissed her on the lips. MIKE: Somebody want to tell this guy how deeply wrong that paragraph was? TOM: In sentence structure or in wording? MIKE: Yes. >When she was used to it he slowly moved in and out >gently building up speed. CROW: Toward the literary ten-car pileup that was this fanfic. >The volume of Ami's moans increased as she >quickly >built up to an other orgasm that promised to blow the other three away. MIKE: I'm gonna blow you *ALL* away, you hear me!? You're history! >Then >she orgasimed causing her pussy muscles to clamp down hard on Rob's moving >cock. The feeling of her tighting down on him caused him to go over the >edge >and he sprayed the inside of her sheth with his hot cum, causing her to go >over >again. MIKE: I must ask, hasn't this guy heard of "precautions?" Or does he just not believe that pregnancy can happen on the first time? TOM: Probably the latter. >After they came back down from their orgasms the quckly picked up >their >clothes and headed upstairs to Ami's room to spend the rest of the night >lying >in each others arms. CROW: Before she told him she never wanted to see him again. >End for now...... MIKE: Mirabile dictu. CROW: And the English language weeps in relief as the horror doth end. >I hope you like this, It took my a long time to work up enough nerve to >write >this. MIKE: No, that was just your brain telling you that it sucked. CROW: And fighting with your libido, which was absorbed in this fic. >Please tell me how much you enjoyed it, the better the response the >more chance I will write more like this. CROW: For the sake of the English language, flame him mercilessly. >My e-mail address is >lebailey@glinx.com PLEASE put Hentai 1 as the subject so I can tell what >it >is about. TOM: Why do I get the feeling that he doesn't like negative feedback? MIKE: Because he's asking people to label positive versus negative feedback for his own convenience? CROW: That'd be the case here. >Robert MIKE: Dear Robert: Self insertion fanfics suck. Get a life, and find yourself a real girlfriend. In that order. Signed, Mike Nelson. >-------------------------- >Apprentice Seaman Sailor DrizzCat MIKE: Huh? He's in the *NAVY?* CROW: Have you ever heard of the "Moon Kingdom Defense Force?" They pretend to be a military for the Moon Kingdom. TOM: So let me get this straight: A fictional kingdom has a pretend military? CROW: You got it. >(_) Robert Owen Bailey MIKE: Also known as self-insertion man! >|_| The Mercury Mage >_|_ DrizzCat on IRC > | Sailor Mercury Rules!! > CROW: This *bit.* MIKE: That was kind of fun, actually. Sure hope Dr. F wasn't planning on breaking our spirits with that one. TOM: Yeah, "This Island Earth" was way harsher than that. DR. F: Are the three of you ready to bow down before me? MIKE: Huh? Dr. F, are you kidding? By now, we've built up a lot more tolerance than to be beaten down by a mere self-insertion lemon. DR. F: Don't tempt me to give you worse, Nelson, or I will. CROW: Not again! Mike, you're gonna have to open up another crate of heads for Tom. MIKE: I know, Crow, I know. TOM: Just another day on the Satellite of Love. . . Oogahh. . . Dr. Forrester pushes the button. \ | / \ | / \|/ ---0--- /|\ / | \ / | \ -PHHOOOOWWWW- -- AUTHOR'S NOTES: This MSTing is not intended to be a personal attack on Mr. Bailey, only his fanfic. These characters ain't mine, I'm just borrowing them for a while. This work is © 1998 by Mark Berger. I lay no claim whatsoever on Mystery Science Theater 3000, other than to be an enthusiastic fan of Best Brains Inc., their genius and their wit. Sirs, I salute you! (does the Spaceballs salute). Other MSTings by Mark Berger: - "Sailor Moon:Fantasy!" with Sailor Mac - "Trouble in Paradise" with Sailor Mac (coming soon) - "Zoicite and All the Senshi" (coming soon) - "Evening at Lita's" with Sailor Mac (coming soon) - "Miss Moon" with Sailor Mac (coming soon) >Bare with me folks, This is my First Hentai Story I have ever Written.