MYSTERY SAILOR THEATER 3000: "TROUBLE IN PARADISE" MSTed by Sailor Mac (AmberSesht@aol.com) and Mark Berger (temjin_blue@hotmail.com) For the sake of legibility, the following fanfic has been altered in the following manner: It has been edited to fit your computer screen. Best Brains, Inc. and Toei Productions present. . . A Moon and Rose MSTing. . . Mystery Sailor Theater 3,000! MSTing by Sailor Mac and Mark Berger. Love Theme from Mystery Sailor Theater 3,000 (obviously to the tune of "Love Theme from Mystery Science Theater 3000") In the not-too-distant future Way down in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank Were hatching an Evil Scheme. They caught a girl called Sailor Moon Just a teenage girl who likes to sleep till noon Their experiment needed a good test case, So they signed up with the NegaVerse And shot her into space. (Get me down!) We'll send her cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find (la-la-la), She'll have to sit and watch them all, And we'll monitor her mind (la-la-la). Now keep in mind Serena can't control Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la), She'll try to keep her sanity With the help of her Sailor friends. Sailor Roll Call: Venus! Jupiter! Mercury! Maaars! If you're wondering how she eats and breathes and other science facts (la la la), Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax For Mystery Sailor Theater 3000!" <6> <5> <4> <3> <2> <1> (SOL bridge. Serena and Darien are alone.) SERENA: Well, Darien, another day, probably another rotten experiment on the Satellite of Love, huh? DARIEN: Something's a bit strange, don't you think, Meatball-head? SERENA: Yeah. . . Where are the others? FORRESTER'S VOICE: Why it's miss perplexed little moon brat. . . I don't believe that the others will be needed today. Instead, two of your other friends will be joining you. SAILOR URANUS What am I. . . Princess! What's going on here!? SERENA: WE'VE GOT. . . Waitasec, there's no flashing lights or anything. SEIYA: Odango! SERENA: Eeuw! It's a pervert! DARIEN: Serena, the Bobbsey Twins are calling. SERENA: Ohayo gozimasu, Dr. Forrester. What's going on today, and why are these two here? FORRESTER: Haruka and Seiya are going to be helping you with today's experiment, but first it's time for the Invention Exchange. I'll go first. Today's invention exchange. . . FRANK, stop writing that and pay attention! Today's invention is based on the old idea that too much of a bad thing is a bad thing. I give you, the Oscarmeyer. SERENA: The WHAT? FORRESTER: Allow me to demonstrate. It converts a mediocre fanfic, like this one, a chapter of Stephen Ratliff's "Dear Isabella," into a truly wretched piece of scum. See? An Oscarfic. SERENA: That's. . . interesting, Dr. F. Our invention for today is really a rather simple prospect: Since the six of us want to get the hell off of this satellite and back to our real lives on Earth, Amy-chan built this escape pod. It seats six. . . here is the rocket motor and here. . . is the . . . heat. . . shield? Darien, where did the heat shield go? DARIEN: Huh? I think we were still trying to decide what would work best for the heat shield. SERENA: Well, if nothing else, I could. . . DARIEN: NO! You know what happened to you last time! SERENA: Well, back to the drawing board, I guess. FORRESTER: Better luck next time, moon brat. Today's experiment is the not- so-legendary "Trouble in Paradise," by Blue-Winged Angel. Send them the lemon, Frank. FRANK: I don't know, Dr. F, maybe we should. . . FORRESTER: FORCEPS, Frank. Push the button. FRANK: I'm sending it. . . SEIYA and HARUKA: What does that mean? SERENA and DARIEN: It means, WE'VE GOT LEMON-SIIIIGN!! ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!! <6> <5> <4> <3> <2> > " Trouble in Paradise" SERENA: Pain in Deep Thirteen. > Part 1: End of battle, departures > The battle was over, no more wars. This was the last one. SEIYA: And if you believe that, I've got some oceanfront property in Kansas to sell you. > All the > senshi came back and Usagi ran to Mamoru and hugged him. " Do you love me, > Mamo-chan?" " Of course, I do." " I am Tsukino, Usagi, a girl in her first > year of High School, I'm a bit clumsy and a bit whinny but I'm also the > pretty soldier Sailor Moon." SERENA: The recap of the very ending of Episode 200, ladies and gentlemen. SEIYA: If only we had any reassurance that it would stay like this (puts his hand around Serena's shoulders). SERENA: If you don't remove that hand, Seiya, you'll never have to worry about moving it anywhere, *again.* SEIYA: > (The question) SERENA: The answer. Let's see if they match up. > " Usako, I need to tell you something." > " Yes, Mamo-chan?" DARIEN: We're booked as guests on Jerry Springer next week. The topic is "You Wrote a Lousy Fanfic About Me!" and we'll be appearing with Nav, Crystal Knight, Blue-Winged Angel, Hentai Otaku and Hentai Man. SERENA: Who are we gonna toast first? ALL: Springer. > " Well, I still want to attend Harvard in America. And I was > wondering if I could go." HARUKA (as Darien): Pretty please with sugar on top? I'll wash the dishes and clean my room. . . >" Of course you can, but I'll miss you greatly. > I can't wait until our wedding." " I promise you, Usako, that when I get > back in 4 years, I will marry you. SERENA: Huh? Darien was going into his junior year during "Stars." >But please come and say a last farewell > to me before I leave." (ALL imitate cheesy '70s porn music) >" Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world." HARUKA: Neither would we. . . > (9 a.m. the next morning at the airport) HARUKA: The white zone is for loading and unloading only. . . SEIYA: The *blue* zone is for loading and unloading only. . . SERENA: Huh? I thought you said I wouldn't miss it for the world, so why'd we miss it? > " Usako, I love you, don't forget me. I promise that I will marry > you when I return, wait for me." " I will." They kissed. Tears formed out > of Usagi's eyes like the last time Mamoru left but got his starseed taken > away instead. DARIEN: The recap of the beginning of "SailorStars," ladies and gentlemen. > " I love you, Mamo-chan, call me everyday or any chance that > you get, okay?" " Okay. Bye my love." ALL: (singing) Bye my love, bye my happiness, hello loneliness, I think I'm gonna cry-y. >Then Mamoru left. Usagi cried > endless tears. ALL produce umbrellas SERENA: I haven't cried like that since Sailormoon R. > She still had her friends, of course, but her true love was > leaving and for 4 years. Haruka and Michiru spotted her. " Usagi-chan, > what's wrong?" Michiru asked. HARUKA (as Usagi): My underwear is riding up my butt! > " Nothing, only Mamo-chan went to Harvard in > America." She said and cried all over again. " Don't cry, Odango-atama, > it's not good for a princess to cry." Haruka said and held her in her > arms. " Well, you shouldn't cry, Usagi-chan, besides Haruka isn't crying, > I'm leaving for England, where I have to stay for 6 months for an > orchestra ceremony celebration." SERENA: Six months, four years, what's the difference? > " Really, congratulations, Michiru-san!" Usagi exclaimed and stopped > crying. " Good bye, Haruka." " Good bye, Michiru." She kissed her on the > cheek and left. HARUKA: Huh? Excuse me, but if Michiru and I were going to be separated for six months, I think the goodbye would be just a BIT more emotional than that! > " Good bye, Usagi-chan, I hope you'll feel better." SERENA: Not until I get out of this damn theater. > " Thank you, > Michiru-san!" They waved at her until she was out of sight. " So, Odango, > what are you going to do with Mamoru-san gone, are you going to spend more > time with your family?" Haruka asked. " No, they left to Grandmother's > house this week, ALL: (singing) Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house we go. . . > I didn't want to go, and besides I have school." " But what about > Shingo, doesn't he have school?" DARIEN (as Usagi): Nope. He dropped out to form a rap posse. SERENA: I hate rap. . . > " Well, yes, but my parents begged the > teacher to let him go." " Oh." " Yeah, I have the house all to myself and > Luna of course. But Luna isn't going to keep me company as much as a real > human." HARUKA: Not according to Oscar. ALL: EEEEEWWWWWW!!! SERENA: Do that again and I'll. . . SEIYA: Popcorn, Odango? SERENA: Don't ask. >Usagi started to cry again and mumble about how she'll miss Mamoru > and her family. Haruka put her arm around her shoulder SERENA: I do NOT like the way this is going. . . > and they started to > walk out of the airport. ~ Hmm, so Odango's parents are away and so is her > boyfriend and Michiru. Well, maybe me and her can get a little romantic, SERENA: Oh no, not a betrayal lemon! SEIYA: I feel your pain, Odango. SERENA: You are NOT Bill Clinton, Seiya, don't swipe his lines. > this week, anyway we used to be in love, at the time of the Deathbusters. ~ SERENA: Okay, so the fact that I had a mild crush on her was taken to mean we were in *LOVE*? I'm gonna kill this bitch! HARUKA: *You're* gonna kill this bitch? Michiru and I are in LOVE, goddamn it! I'd rather disembowel myself with a rusty fishhook than cheat on her! SERENA: That's all? I'd rather disembowel myself with an *olive pick* than cheat on Darien. SEIYA: That's possible? SERENA: So far as you know. > " Odango-atama, how about if I stay over for this week. I'll keep you > company." " Really, would you do that for me?" " Yeah, sure." " Oh, thank > you, Haruka-san." She hugged her tightly. DARIEN: And there was the sickening crack of bones being crushed. SERENA: A bit dark this morning, dear? >~ This is going to be a great > week, me and Odango only. ~ HARUKA: What's with all these damn wavy lines? DARIEN: Perhaps is an indication of the author's brain activity? HARUKA: That would be a flat line. >Haruka grinned and brought Usagi into her car > and they drove off to her apartment. When they got there, they both got > out and packed up Haruka's things. > (Moving to romance) SEIYA: Then heading onward toward mystery. Isn't browsing the local book store fun? SERENA: Not. > " Thank you for letting me stay at your house. Where shall I sleep?" > " Thank you Haruka for keeping me company. HARUKA: Thank you, Blue-Winged Angel, for a severe case of heartburn. >You can sleep in Shingo's room, > it's right only a hall away, just in case you need me for anything." > " Okay." ~ Sure, don't worry, I'll need you, sooner or later. ~ Haruka > chuckled to herslef at her marvelous plan. " DARIEN (as Haruka): Now I take over the world! BWAHAHAHA! SERENA (as Brain): Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? SEIYA (as Pinky): Wuh, I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find three sheep and an inner tube at this time of night? > Uh, Odango, I want to go rent > a video, so I'll be out for a while, do you want me to get you something?" HARUKA: At last! My chance to escape from this fic! SERENA: Not so fast, Haruka-san. We suffer, you suffer. > " No, that's okay, while your gone, I'll make some dinner." " Okay." > (At the video rental shop) DARIEN: D'oh! There's nothing left but the complete works of Pauly Shore! SERENA: Yuck. . . > " Good afternoon, sir, how may I help you?" " Well, here's my license, > I would like to rent a hentai video." SERENA: Oh no, it's a porn trigger! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, IT'S A PORN TRIGGER!!! SEIYA: I take it you've had bad experiences with these before. SERENA: As Mina can tell you, these things are a real pain in the ass. > " Okay, so you are 18 years old. Okay, > you can rent any kind of video we have. HARUKA (as clerk): Except the "Playboy's Girls of Hooters" videos. That's the owner's private stash. >Thank you." " Thank you." SERENA: After you. SEIYA: No, after you. SERENA: No, I insist, after you. >~ Hmm, > what video should I rent. Aha, this one is perfect." DARIEN: "Thin Thighs in 30 Days!" > " So, have you made > your choice, sir?" " Yes." The man looked at the video and he grinned at > Haruka, especially since he thought that she was a man. SERENA: Ladies and gentlemen, the plot of the first quarter of the S season. > " Okay, that will > be $11.99, HARUKA: WHAT? Eleven ninety-nine for ONE NIGHT'S RENTAL? What kind of @#$% video store IS this? DARIEN: And I thought Blockbuster was expensive. . . > thank you, sir and have a great time enjoying the movie." > " Thank you." > (At the Tsukino house) SERENA: Or what remained of the Tsukino house, after Mina came through. > " Mmm, it smells great. What are you cooking, Odango?" HARUKA (as Serena): I'm not cooking anything. I just set my hair on fire with the blowdrier. >" Just dinner. > What movie did you rent?" " Uh, it's a surprise." The real reason why that > cashier grinned at Haruka was because the hentai movie that she rented was > a movie about lesbians. DARIEN: Porn trigger *and* betrayal lemon. Double whammy. This is gonna go down hard, guys. SERENA: We're only a sixth of the way in and it's already hurting like a whole bag of Oreos at once. This is gonna be *brutal.* >And the cashier thought that Haruka, as a man, > would like to see the girls' naked bodies, but that wasn't the purpose of > it all. SERENA: All right, don't move, I don't think you want to be going there. . . >" Okay, dinner's ready!" " Mmm, this is a great meal. How did you > learn to cook like this?" HARUKA: From Betty Crocker. This is Hamburger Helper. > " Well, from Home Ec. class and from Mako-chan." > " Oh, well it's great!" " Thank you, Haruka-san." SERENA: Yet another boring conversation completed. > (After dinner) SEIYA: (imitates loud belching noise) DARIEN: Now *that* was juvenile. SEIYA: So's this fic. > Well they both brushed their teeth and went to the living room to > watch the movie. Haruka got out of the bathroom first and slipped the > video in. " What movie are we watching?" " It's still a surprise." Then > the movie went on, it showed the title, Usagi read it aloud, DARIEN (as Serena): "The Postman"? How DARE you subject me to this! This is a fate worse than death! VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: That's what they're watching next on the *other* Satellite of Love. >" Wild > together, hmm, I wonder what's it about." " Watch and you'll see." Usagi > watched and waited for it to start. ~ Hmm, a story about two friends that > are girls, that seems normal. ~ Then they continued to watch and it turned > out that the two girls were homo-sexual. They had sex with eachother. SERENA: At this point, Usagi stopped the VCR, hit Haruka hard on the head and ordered her to get out and never come back. > Usagi watched in amazed shock HARUKA: At the tape's cheap, shoddy production values and extraordinarily bad non-acting > and Haruka just watched impatiently. ~ God, I want her! ~ That's all > Haruka could think of. In the middle of the movie, Haruka put her arm > around Usagi. DARIEN: Bad touch! > ~ I wonder why Haruka rented this movie. It's kind of sick > but it's amazing. SERENA: that Haruka could possibly like this stuff. >I never knew that two girls could make love to > eachother. ~ After the movie, Haruka wante Usagi more than ever. Haruka > was staring into her eyes as if she was in a spell. HARUKA (stoned voice): Oh, wow, dude, that was some *intense* weed! SERENA : Man, you just ate the most acid I've ever seen anyone take in my entire life! >" Haruka, why did you SERENA: subject me to this torture? > rent this video and why are you staring at me like that?" DARIEN: You've got spinach stuck between your teeth. >" Well, don't > you know?" " No, I don't quite understand." Haruka then kissed Usagi and > she suddenly knew why Haruka rented the video. HARUKA: Her "rent-one-get-one-free" coupon from Pussy Cat A Go Go Video was about to expire. >" Haruka, Haruka-san!" > " Yes?" " I don't know what to say, I've never done this before." " Me > neither." SEIYA: My bullshit-o-meter has just pegged. SERENA: Haruka, does this strike you as really, really fake? HARUKA: This author's head is so far up her butt that her lips are plastered against her lungs. SERENA: Thought so. > They kissed eachother and then Haruka broke the kiss. ALL: (loud popping noise) >She lay her down on > the couch and started to unbutton her dress. Then Usagi turned Haruka over > and took off her clothes. " Haruka..., I, I, I want you." " I want you, SERENA and HARUKA: (singing) I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it, and I know, I know, I know, I know I want you! > too." Haruka got back on top of Usagi and started to take off her bra and > panties. Usagi did the same to Haruka. SERENA: Well, look at the bright side - at least the description's kind of sketchy. >Haruka took the lead again and > started to indulge on the power that she had in her hands at the moment. DARIEN (as Haruka): Now ALL power is mine! BWAHAHAHAHA! > She started to caress Usagi's body with her wet tongue. ALL: (loud slurping noise) > Usagi giggled and > waited for her turn. Then Haruka stopped and let Usagi feel the pleasure. > Usagi kissed Haruka a french kiss and then she started to work her way > down Haruka's body. Haruka laughed and went back on top of Usagi. Then she > motioned for Usagi to turn around to her back side. Haruka then stared > down at Usagi's butt and started to have sex with her. HARUKA (as author): Let's see, male homosexuals do it in the butt, so female homosexuals must do something involving the butt too. . . SERENA: Oh no - they're doing it - CLOWN STYLE! > Usagi screamed out SERENA: As the alien burst out of her chest and killed Haruka before her eyes just before she died! SEIYA: > in pleasure and so did Haruka. I don't know how long it lasted SEIYA: Well, if the author doesn't know how long it lasted, nobody would know. > but after > they were done, they walked slowly upstairs. " Oh, Haruka, I can barely > walk." " Me too, I'm all sexed out." They both laughed and continued to > talk upstairs. SERENA: Hehehe, I made a funny. . . >There they fell into Usagi' bed and fell asleep. > (Early in the morning, at about 6 a.m.) > " Ring. DARIEN: Around the collar! >Ring. HARUKA: Around a rosy! > Ring. DARIEN: Dings! > Ring...." ALL: ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE ALREADY! > Usagi awoke and looked at the body laying > beside her. HARUKA (as Usagi): AAAHHHH! Robert Downey Jr. passed out in my bed! >~ Haruka-san. ~ She picked up the phone. " Hello? This is Usagi > speaking." " Usako? Is that you, you sound tired." " Oh, Mamo-chan. It's > you..." " Why aren't you happy to hear from me?" DARIEN (as Usagi): Because it means you haven't escaped from Blue-Winged Angel and you're still stuck in this fanfic with me! SERENA (as Mamoru): But at least we're suffering together. I just wish that there was something I could do to get you out of this. " Yeah, but I'm tired. > It's 6:00 in the morning." " Oh sorry, over here in America it's night. > Well, do you want to know how my trip was?" DARIEN: I have slides. OTHERS: NO! NO SLIDES! > " Yeah, sure." " Well, the > airplane flight was fine, and my roommate has a girlfriend too. His name > is Nick." HARUKA: His girlfriend is a guy named Nick? SERENA: Darien's roommate's girlfriend has "issues." > " Oh, that's great, next time when you call me, call me a little > later, okay, I'm really tired from last night." " Oh, okay, I love you." > " Okay, bye." The phone line was dead. DARIEN: And no amount of CPR could revive it. > ~ Hmm, I wonder why Usako didn't > tell me that she loved me, well, maybe she's really sleepy. ~ SERENA: That reminds me: Darien, I love you. DARIEN: I love you too, sweetheart. HARUKA and SEIYA: Get a room. > (10 a.m. same day) SEIYA: As opposed to 10 a.m. the previous day. > Usagi awoke. " Haruka?" " Yes, Usagi? I'm in the kitchen, downstairs." HARUKA: As opposed to the kitchen in the attic. > " Oh, okay, I'm going to take a shower now." " Okay, Odango." Usagi took a > long shower, after last night, her juices all came out and she felt all > sticky. DARIEN: She's covered in Tang? >~ Hmm, what should I wear? Ah, this looks nice. HARUKA: Good ol' leather teddy. SERENA: Please say you don't own one. . . > ~ She went down > the stairs and greeted Haruka, " Good morning, Haruka." " Good morning, > Odango," Haruka said and looked at Usagi, " Wow! You look great." HARUKA: Did you have liposuction? > " Nothing but the best for the one who gave me so much last night." SERENA: A hernia, multiple deep-tissue bruises. . . > Haruka > blushed. " Well, I got up early and started to make breakfast." " You > didn't have to. I could've." " No, I wanted to, for you. Plus, we only > have 6 more days left." DARIEN: Before the last-ever episode of "Seinfeld"! > " 6 days is enough for romance. So what movie are > we going to rent tonight." " I don't know, why don't we go together?" > " Okay." > (The rental together) > " Good afternoon, sir, is this your girlfriend?" " Well, you could say > that." SERENA: . . . but going that far would be an overstatement. > " Did you enjoy the movie last night?" HARUKA: For $11.99, I bloody well should have. > " Yes I did, it was quite > enjoyable. I would like to return that tape and get some other ones." > " Okay, sure." They looked around the hentai section in search of good > movies. DARIEN: But then, they realized that "good hentai video" was a contradiction in terms. SERENA: Remind me to show you my copy of "End of Summer" when we get home, honey. DARIEN: When? SERENA: When. > " Haruka-san, look here, here's a lot of movies." Haruka walked > over. " Hmm, this one seems nice, Two of a Kind." SERENA: Nice!? NICE!!? WHERE'S SHINJI-KUN WHEN YOU NEED HIM!? I'VE GOT AN "ANGEL" THAT REALLY NEEDS TO BE WASTED. > " And this one, Wild > dance." DARIEN: NO! NOT ONE OF THOSE OLD LAMBADA MOVIES! > " And this one, Lounging among sexes." HARUKA: "Lounging Among Sexes"? The HELL? Even for a porn title, that's stupid! > They brought the videos > over to the cashier. The cashier whispered to Haruka. " Are you going to > watch these tapes with your lovely girlfriend?" " Yes, why?" " Oh, no > reason. Except, wouldn't she disagree to her boyfriend watching these > kind of movies?" SERENA: You bet. Darien, if I ever catch you with one of these in your video collection. . . DARIEN: You have *nothing* to worry about on that front, darling. SERENA: Good. > " No." " Oh, that will be $20.00 plus tax. > You can keep > these videos for a week. Thank you, bye, bye." " Thanks, bye." HARUKA: Wait a second. One video for one night was $11.99, three videos for a week is $20? DARIEN: Don't think about it. Just smile and nod. > (Nights of pleasure) HARUKA: Coming up next, on Spice! > For the rest of the week, they watched one video a day and everyday > they had sex. It was quite enjoyable. DARIEN: Until they found out that someone had secretly videotaped them and posted the tapes on the Net. SERENA and HARUKA: Nani!!?!? DARIEN: Just kidding. . . > Finally the week was over and Haruka > moved backed to her apartment, but they still saw eachother for the next 5 > months and 4 weeks, DARIEN: Why not just say six months? > until Michiru returned. > (The arrival of Michiru) > " So, Haruka, what have you been doing when I was gone?" " Nothing > special, I just spended more time with the princess that's all. ALL: (muted trumpet noises) Wah wah wah WAAAAAHHH!! > (Everyday otherwise) > Everyday, after the sexual week of her life, Usagi started to talk to > Mamoru, everynight for her, every morning for him. She laughed and chatted > with him for hours, until her bedtime. > End of Part 1 ALL: SERENA: Let's get out of here. <2> <3> <4> LUNA: While Serena, Darien, Haruka and Seiya were in the theater, I did some research on this Blue-Winged Angel to see what they're up against. It seems she has several hentai fics on Jupiter Knight's archive, all with the same basic plot: Serena sleeps with everyone in sight except for Darien. At the bottom of one of her fics, she had this to say: "Write to me. You may send comments, questions, or suggestions. I can write a fanfic especially for you. But no fanfics with Mamoru and other girls, I'm against that." Well! Talk about your double standards. . .And so, without further ado, we take you: "Inside the Fanfic Labs of Blue-Winged Angel." (Camera pans away from Luna to show Serena, as Blue-Winged Angel, sitting at a desk. She is dressed like a stereotypical female geek, in twin sweater set, plaid skirt, and oversized glasses, and is typing at a computer. Haruka enters, in a man's suit). SERENA: Good morning. Welcome to Blue-Winged Angel's fanfic labs. What can I do for you? HARUKA: I'm wondering if you can do a lemon fanfic based on an idea of mine. . . SERENA: Oooh, doing fanfics for people is what I do best! What is it? HARUKA: It involves Usagi. . .and Ami. SERENA: Terrific idea! It's not done too often. . .I think I can swing it. I'll have it done next Tuesday. HARUKA: Thanks! Now, what do I owe you? SERENA: Now, now, fanfic authors don't accept money. We do it for the looooove! Buh-bye! (Haruka leaves. Seiya comes in, dressed in a leather jacket, T-shirt and jeans). SEIYA: You that Blue-Winged Angel chick? SERENA: That's me. And what can I do for you? SEIYA: A friend of mine is getting married, and I want to give him a customized Sailor Moon lemon for his bachelor party instead of a porno film. SERENA: A wise choice, sir. My lemons are *much* better written than porno movies. (aside) And if you believe that. . . LUNA'S VOICE (offstage): Serena! Stick to the sketch! SERENA: Sorry. (Back in character) So what do you want in your fic, sir? SEIYA: Okay. I want Usagi and Michiru. SERENA: Ooooh, I've never done that one! Usagi and Haruka, yes, but this is a brand-new one! SEIYA: Also, Usagi and Motoki. . .Usagi and Makoto, Rei, and a couple of Negaverse generals. . .and, for a grand finale, Usagi and the entire defensive line of the Green Bay Packers. SERENA: (giggling) You naughty, naughty boy, you! It's a tall order, but I think I can fill it. Next Saturday okay? SEIYA: Great! SERENA: It's been a pleasure, sir. Buh-bye! (Seiya leaves. Darien comes in, dressed in a leisure suit). DARIEN: Blue-Winged Angel, baby! I've got the story that'll make you a fanfic star. SERENA: (gasps, clasps hands together in a grandly theatrical gesture). A star? DARIEN: Yes! Run with this idea, and you'll be one of the leading lights of Sailor Moon hentai! Bigger than Hentai Man! Bigger than Hentai Otaku, even! SERENA: Oh, please, sir, tell me, what is it? DARIEN: It's. . .Mamoru and Ami. (Serena appears thunderstruck. Then, she flies into a rage). SERENA: You want me to write WHAT? Sir! Have you no SHAME? Do you want me to blaspheme EVERYTHING that Sailor Moon STANDS for? Have you NEVER heard of the Miracle Romance? Now out of my fanfic lab! OUT! OUT! OUT! (The alarms and flashing lights start going off) SERENA: Oh no - WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIIGN! <4> <3> <2> > "Trouble in Paradise" HARUKA: Hell in theater. > Part 2: New year, new pleasure SERENA: New fanfic, new horror. SEIYA: "Trouble in Paradise 2: Electric Boogaloo." > Usagi know was in her second year of High School, her >friends were with her, and she had a relationship with Haruka before. But >she was lonely, Mamoru didn't call her everynight like before, only once a >week, he was busy, it was his second year of college at Harvard University. DARIEN: (Gasp!) I'm winded after reading a run-on sentence that long! > She just wished that someone would take place as Mamoru for a while. SERENA (icier than when she dusted Coprolite): No, I don't. Say that again and in the name of the Moon, I *will* destroy you. > (Surprise!) ALL (singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. . . > " Usagi, we have good news and bad news for you. The good > news is that we'll be going on a trip to America..." " America, I can see > Mamo-chan again!" " But, wait, the bad news is HARUKA: That Hentai Man is using you in a series of lesbian pileup stories. SERENA: Don't even joke about that. . . >that you can't come, you must stay in your school, Shingo's school hasn't >started yet and he'll get a little time off from school. DARIEN: Sounds like that at Shingo's school, you're only required to show up one day a year. >I hope that you will be okay here, for 2 months." " 2 months! I'll be okay." HARUKA (as Serena): WOO HOO! PAAAARTY! Nonstop kegger! SERENA: Don't *even.* > " Thank you, dear, you're such a good girl." Her mom kissed her on the > forehead. In two days they left. > (The next day, surprise) SERENA: Not really. > " Usagi, did you hear, you know that guy that had a crush >on you, last year, his name was Seiya, he's also Sailor Star Fighter, DARIEN: And a weasel who can't keep his hands off other people's girlfriends. > well, he's back!" HARUKA (as action-movie announcer): And this time, it's personal! > " Oh. Where's he?" " Over there, talking to the other guys." Minako said > and pointed to a corner where a group of guys were chatting. " Go and talk >to him." Minako said and pushed her over to where the boys were. " Hi, >Seiya." Seiya looked up from the crowd of boys to look at the face who had >that familiar voice. " Odango-atama!" " Yeah, it's me." " Wow, you look >great. So how are you and your boyfriend?" DARIEN: Fine, until you came along. >" We're fine, but he's in America now attending Harvard University." " Wow, >I hear that that is a great college." " Yeah, so where are you going to >stay for the rest of the year?" DARIEN (singing): He's gonna stay at the. . . ALL (singing, and forming letters with their arms): Y-M-C-A! >" I don't know, I might have to rent a hotel." " No you don't, you can stay >at my house for two months until you get enough money to rent a hotel or >until you find a hotel." HARUKA: He's renting a whole hotel? Who does he think he is, Donald Trump? > " No, I couldn't." " Of course, you can. You can move in today after school." >" Thank you. Odango, that's very nice of you, but..." " Don't say but, just >come over this afternoon with your things. I'll see you after school!" >Usagi said and left. > (At home, afternoon 3 p.m.) SERENA: In theater, sometime around 10 a.m. > " So, Seiya you made it. HARUKA: What are you gonna do now? DARIEN (as Seiya): I'm going to Disney World! >What room do you want to sleep in?" SEIYA: Yours! DARIEN: Don't even think it, pal. > " It doesn't matter. I still owe you something for all this." " No you >don't, you'll be keeping me company for 2 whole months, my parents and my >brother are gone for that length of time. So we'll be all alone in this >house." " Oh, okay." She led him up to a room, it was Shingo's room. HARUKA (as Usagi): Just ignore the pee stains on the bed. > " Sorry, that we don't have any guestroom, but we never have guests over >at night." DARIEN: My father turns into a werewolf every full moon. It's kinda embarrassing. > " That's all right. This seems like a nice room." " My brother sleeps in >this room," Usagi motioned for him to put his things down and follow her, " >This is my parents' room," She led him to one last room near the stairway, >" And this is my room." " Yeah, I've been here before, remember?" " Yeah, I >remember." " Yeah, we were only in our first year of High School, now we're >in our second year." DARIEN: Thank you, Mr. Obvious! > " Yeah. Now there's no more wars." SERENA: Right. Sure. Whatever. > " Yeah. Well, I'll unpack now." HARUKA: There aren't this many "yeahs" in the whole of "She Loves You!" >" Okay, what do you want to eat for dinner tonight?" " Anything. It doesn't >matter." > (Night time wishes) DARIEN: The new novel from Harlequin Historical Romances, featuring a nude Fabio centerfold! ALL: EEEEEWWWW!!! SERENA: Another one like that, and you're sleeping on the couch tonight, buster. > " Knock, knock." SERENA: Who's there? DARIEN: Ivana. SERENA: Ivana who? DARIEN: Ivana get out of this theater. >Usagi got out of her bed and opened the door. " Yes, Seiya, is there >anything I can do for you?" ~ Wow, you can do many things for me in that >sexy lingerie. ~ SEIYA: Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wonderful audience! I'll be here all week! >Seiya was staring at Usagi's clothes. " Yes, Seiya, what >is that you need?" " Oh, I just needed to tell you that I'm not so >comfortable in your brother's bed, it's kind of short. Maybe I'll sleep on >the couch, could you help me move my things?" " Sure, but why don't you >sleep in my parents' room?" " It's far too big for me." DARIEN: Papa Bear's bed was too big, Baby Bear's bed was too small. . . SERENA: So why does Sister Rabbit's bed have to be just right? > " But, the couch is > far more uncomfortable. Sleep in my bed, I'll sleep in my parents' room, or > on the couch." " I don't want to be a nuisance. You should sleep in your > own bed." " Seiya, just sleep with me tonight." Usagi blushed. ~ Wow, am I > dreaming, is she asking me to actually sleep with her?! HARUKA (as Seiya): I think I just wet myself! ~ " Sorry, Seiya, I >put it in the wrong words. Just come and spend the night with me, or a few >nights." DARIEN: Oh, yeah, *that* sounds more innocent. >" Okay." Seiya went into her bed and Usagi went in next to him. " Seiya?" " >Yes?" " Remember last year, when all of the teens in our class said that >you had a crush on me, was it true?" HARUKA: All the *teens* in our class? Nobody talks like that outside of "Leave it to Beaver!" DARIEN: "After him, teen gang!" > " Well, a...okay, it's true, but actually a had a huge crush on you." >Seiya blushed. " Really, I thought that the guys in school aren't >interested in me." " No, actually the group of guys I was talking to this >morning all like you, they don't have girlfriends." " Really, all those >guys?!" " Yeah, it's true. But I'm the luckiest because I get to be with >you." Seiya leaned toward Usagi and tried to kiss her. Usagi backed away. DARIEN (as Usagi): Yuk! Garlic breath! > " Seiya, what about know?" " What do you mean?" " How do you feel about me >now?" " I don't have a crush on you anymore but I love you." " What?! You >can't love me, I have a boyfriend." " But I deserve a chance." " Yeah, >that's right." SERENA: Whoops, there's an extra word in there. That should have been, "Yeah, right." > Usagi pulled Seiya's shirt closer to her, DARIEN: Twisted it, and started to choke him. . . SERENA: A bit dark today, honey? >then she kissed >him. " I can't believe that this is happening." " Me neither, Seiya, me >neither." Usagi released him. " Maybe not tonight, Seiya." " Yeah, anyway >we are still young." SERENA: The day is yet young. . . and already I'm regretting breakfast. > (Next few nights) > The second night to the 30th night, they just kissed. They >got to know eachother really well and each and every day, they fell more in >love with eachother, but one night in the second month. > " Ring..... Ring....." " Hello, this is Usagi speaking." HARUKA: You've reached my love line. Only $3.95 per minute, all major credit cards accepted. >" Usako, I'm sorry that I haven't called you for a month, but I was >terribily busy, forgive me?" " Of course, but why are you calling?" DARIEN: I wanted to make sure that you weren't being hit on by any sleazeballs like Seiya. >" I wanted to hear your lovely voice, only 2 more years and I will return, >my love. Wait for me." " I will." They hung up. " Who was that?" " Oh, my >boyfriend." " Oh." ~ Hmm, she's still in love with her boyfriend and I >don't have much time left to make her fall in love with me. ~ " Odango, >Usagi?" " Yes, Seiya, why did you call me Usagi?" DARIEN: Because it's your name! " Well, I love you even >more now and I want to show you." " Okay. I guess." Seiya went on top of >Usagi and he kissed her passionately. " Mmmm, Seiya." Usagi mumbled. DARIEN (as Homer Simpson): Mmmm, Seiya. HARUKA: My favorite dish - roast Seiya! >Seiya then took off her loose lingerie and he took off his clothes. He >looked sweetly at her and her body. He then moved down to the edge of the >bed and DARIEN: Fell off, cracking his skull on the floor. SERENA: And then his evil spell wore off of Usagi, allowing her to realize that he was all wrong for her, and then she. . . SEIYA: Stop right there. >he kissed her feet in respect. SERENA: And then realized that Usagi and Marissa Picard aren't the same person. >He then worked his way up and kissed her on >the stomach, he moved on up ALL (singing): To a deeeluxe apartment in the sky-y-y. . . >and kissed her on her hand. He then kissed her on the lips and on her >forehead. Then he turned himself down back on the bed for Usagi to pleasure >him. SERENA: Now that's selfish! >She bit at his nipples, first and made Seiya moan. She then put her >tongue in his mouth and tasted DARIEN: Stale beer. SERENA: And the aftertaste of a bowl of Corn Nuts. >his mouth. She tickled him and made him laugh and then she spun them both >around HARUKA: Step right up! Spin the senshi and win a prize! >signaling to Seiya to start. Seiya saw the reply and he kissed her vagina. >He then went up and licked her breasts with his long tongue. He then took >his jacket and took off a bottle of whip cream spray. He sprayed some whip >cream on her breasts and in her vagina so it wouldn't hurt as much and so >it would feel more good. SERENA: Okay. . . I've heard of having a food fetish, but this is ridiculous. >He then started to make love to her. Usagi yelled >and screamed DARIEN: . . .for mercy, but Blue-Winged Angel kept on writing. >Seiya's name repeatedly. Seiya moaned and groaned and lick the whip cream >off her breasts. She giggled in pleasure. SERENA: Yeah, right. >After they were done, they both >were tired. SERENA: Thank you, miss obvious. >They decided to sleep for the rest of the night. " Seiya, that >was great, I never had a feeling like that before with a man." SERENA: You've taught me to throw up in ways I never knew existed. >" Thank you >for letting me do that." " Thank you." Usagi kissed him a goodnight kiss >and they both fell asleep. > (The next morning) SERENA: Seiya found himself on the sidewalk in front of the Tsukino house. > Usagi awoke and looked over to her right side to find Seiya >sleeping next to her, but he wasn't. " Seiya?!" " Yes, Usagi, I'm in your >parents' bathroom, I have a surprise for you." " Okay, I'll be there." " >Oh, and don't wear too much clothes when you come." " Okay." ~ Hmm, if I'm >not suppose to wear too much clothes, then maybe it's a sexual surprise. >I'll wear this. ~ She chose a nice loose gown up to her thighs. She thought >that Seiya would think of it as sexy! HARUKA: But, she was sadly mistaken. He took one look and jumped out the window, screaming. SEIYA: In order to get out of the 'fic. > (At the bathroom) > Usagi brushed her teeth and went into her parents' >bathroom. " Wow! This is great!" She looked around and saw a whole bunch of >roses around the jacuzzi. She saw Seiya in the jaccuzi with a bucket of >strawberries and whip cream. He was wearing a loose shirt with long, loose >pants. DARIEN: He's wearing *clothes* in the *jacuzzi*? HARUKA: And after he asked her to wear next-to-nothing? What a double standard! >" Wow, Seiya you look very cute and this is great!" " Anything for you, >Usagi." " I love it when you call me by my real name." She went over and >kissed him, they both fell into the tub. SERENA and SEIYA: OW! SERENA: Get your hand off of there. . . now! >Seiya quickly undressed her and >himself. He put the strawberries and whip cream over to the side. He >started to pour some whip cream on her body. She did the same. Usagi took a >whole bunch of strawberries and so did Seiya. Seiya put a strawberry on >Usagi and scooped the whip cream off, they both did until some of them were >gone. DARIEN: I don't think Bill Cosby recommends this use for Cool Whip. SERENA: Or, for that matter, Jell-o. > " Too bad, Usagi, the whip cream is gone." " That's okay, but now >make love to me." SERENA: Darien, is it me or was that the LAMEST come-on you've ever heard? >" Okay, whatever you say." SEIYA: Well, that's certainly the lamest RESPONSE to a come-on that I've ever heard. >They started and continued. It >was hard for them to do it in a jacuzzi but they tried their hardest. " SERENA: There is no "try." Only do. . . or do not. >Usagi, is this great or what?" HARUKA (as Usagi): No. There's a faucet in my butt. >" Yeah, Seiya, it is." They talked as they continued with love making. >After they were done, they were full. " Oh, Seiya, I'm so full, with >strawberries and with love." SERENA: ehehehehe. . . I'll kill her. . . >" Me too, but it's not over yet." Seiya turned >on the hot water and they were both in a jacuzzi full of water. They >started to kiss and bathe eachother. Seiya cleaned every part of Usagi, >especially her two sexual parts HARUKA: *Two* sexual parts? She's turned into a hermaphrodite! SERENA AND DARIEN: NO VIRGIN WARRIOR FLASHBACKS! >, Seiya did the same. " Oh, Seiya, this is great, I did the greatest thing >I have ever done when I invited you over." " Yeah and I'm really thankful." >" Me too." > (After the romantic climax) > " Ring... DARIEN: In the bathtub! >Ring... HARUKA:-go Starr! >Ring.... DARIEN: Of the Niebelung! >Ring..." ALL: FOR GOD'S SAKE, ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE! >" I'll answer it, Usagi." SERENA: No, dammit, this is my house! >" Okay." " Hello?" " Uh, hello? May I speak to >Usagi please?" " Sure. Usagi! There's someone on the phone for you." " Yes, >thank you Seiya, hello?" " Hello, Usako, who was that?" " Oh, it's a >friend." " Oh, well, I just wanted to talk to you, since I am free." " >Okay, but I need to go, I'm busy. Sorry." SERENA: Who the hell does this Blue-Winged Angel think I am!? I'm never too busy to talk to Darien! SEIYA: Well, the joke was that my name was supposed to mean "He who walks on forbidden ground. . ." >" That's okay." " Okay, bye. I >love you." " Bye." > " Ring... SERENA: Around the rosie. . . >Ring... SEIYA: Around the collar. . . >Ring... SERENA: Of fire. . . >Ring..." ALL: ANSWER THAT PHONE! >" Hello?" " Usagi!" " Mom! >Yes, what is it?" " Well, our flight is going to be delayed for a while, >it's not good over here, the weather, and we will be delayed for 10 >months." (All laugh themselves silly) DARIEN: A 10 month weather delay? I knew El Nino was creating some weird weather patterns, but this is ridiculous! >" 10 months!" " Yes, I'm sorry." " That's okay, I can take care of myself." >~ With a little help from Seiya, of course. ~ " Okay, well, I love you, >dear, bye." " Bye." > " Seiya, did you hear, my parents are going to be gone for >10 months, now!" HARUKA: It's the biggest case of author contrivance in history! SERENA: Bigger than Ratliff, bigger than Clare Mosley, it's Blue Winged Angel! SEIYA: And even bigger than Blue Winged Angel, it's EVA-01! > " That's great!" > End of Part 2 DARIEN: Woo hoo! We can get out of here! VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Oh, no you don't. No breaks! You're going to read the rest of this fic straight through! ALL: NANI?!?!?!? VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: You heard me. Now sit down and. . . HARUKA: You will pay for this, you goggle-eyed freak. When we get out of here, we're going to kidnap you, handcuff you to a lumpy cot, and force you to read Sailor Moon/Xena crossovers! VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Been there. Done that. > " Trouble in Paradise" > Part 3: Incident in the love world SERENA: Violence in the Satellite of Love. > " Seiya! After school today, I have a doctor appointment, >could you take me?" " Yeah, sure." > (At the doctor's office) > " So, Usagi, is this your boyfriend?" " Well, you could say >that." " Okay, well, he'll have to wait outside for the checkup." " Okay." >Seiya left the room, but was peeking through a hole. DARIEN (as Seiya): Oooh yeah! Medical exams - that's what I get off on! >The doctor checked Usagi and found something weird. DARIEN: Her asshole opened every time she took a deep breath. >" Usagi, I need to tell you some bad news, tell your boyfriend to come in >also." Yes, what is it? Am I sick?" " Worst then that, you're pregnant." " >What?!" Seiya exclaimed and he got Usagi as she fainted. > (Back at home) > " Seiya, did you have to cause this incident? Why couldn't >you wear a condom?" " Well, I don't have any, you're the first girl I have >made love to." " Oh, Seiya, I can never keep staying angry at you." She >hugged him. HARUKA: She just forgives him, just like that? I would have kicked his ass! SERENA SEIYA: Umm. . . Is this a bad sign, Darien? > (The 9 months waiting) HARUKA: For this fanfic to be over. > Seiya took good care of Usagi for the whole 9 months, I >guess that you could say that he was a good friend and father. SERENA: You could, but that would be a huge leap of logic. > (Delivery day) > " Seiya?" " Yes, is there something that you need?" " Yes, >I need a ride to the hospital, I'm going to have a baby." " Aaahh, now?" " >Yes, now." " Okay, well let's go." Seiya carried Usagi outside and he >hailed a taxi. DARIEN: Hail, taxi! All bow down before the almighty taxi! OTHERS: Chrome. . . Chrome. . . Chrome. . . SEIYA: Bop-bob-a-loom-op! >They went to the hospital, he paid the driver. They got into the hospital >and everything was handled fast, except for the delivery, Seiya watched as >Usagi was in pain. He held her hand. Finally the baby came out and the >mother went to her room. > " Usagi? You have a new baby boy." She handed them a baby. >They looked at him. " Wow, he looks exactly like you Seiya." DARIEN: Poor kid. >" Yeah, but he is like you too, look at how cute he looks." The baby looked >at his parents. " What should we name him, Usagi?" " How about Seiya Jr.?" >" Perfect." SERENA: -ly hideous. > (The last month of school, the last month of being really >close) > Seiya proposed to Usagi, but Usagi couldn't except, she was >engaged to another. She looked at her left ring finger. ~ Wait a minute, >where's my ring? I must have lost it in the jacuzzi, oh, no, now I'm not >engaged to Mamoru, literally. ~ (All groan) DARIEN: Oh, *come on*! She loses her ring, and that means the engagement is broken? The ring is just a symbol, dammit! HARUKA: Ladies and gentleman, the other biggest case of author contrivance in history. >" Seiya, I except your proposal." " Great!" After school, they waited two >years and got married when they were both 18. There child was 2. All the >senshi, Star Maker & Healer & their princess, and Usagi's family were >invited. No one complained or said anything, but they probably thought. DARIEN: That Usagi either had to be either possessed by the Negaverse or doing heavy-duty drugs to be that stupid. > (The arrival) > " Usako?" " Mamo-chan?" " Yes, it's me!" Mamoru noticed >that Usagi wasn't happy. " What's wrong?" " I...I...I am married, >Mamo-chan." " What?! To whom?" " A young, man named Seiya. We accidentely >had sex without him wearing a condom and I gave birth to a baby boy two >years ago. I'm sorry, Mamo-chan, but don't think that I married him for >just the baby, it's also because I love him. I would've married you if I >haven't lost my ring that you gave me." "That's okay, DARIEN: "That's okay"? "THAT'S OKAY"? THAT'S THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD I WOULD SAY! IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON THIS AUTHOR. . . >but let me borrow you for just one night." " Okay, if Seiya agrees." ALL: WOO HOO! NOW WE *ARE* OUT OF HERE! (They run from the theater) (Haruka is standing front and center with microphone. The others are behind her on folding chairs). MAGIC VOICE: And now, the Satellite of Love All Talk Show Network presents the Rukie Lake Show. HARUKA: You've been through the wedding, you've settled down into what you hope will be a quiet, peaceful married life, when suddenly, your spouse's ex-fiance arrives back in town. Now your spouse wants to spend the night with her ex because she feels he's entitled because he was engaged to her first. That's our topic today - "Does My Ex-Fiance Still Have Marital Rights Even Though I Married Someone Else?" This is Seiya Kou and his wife, Usagi. Seiya and Usagi have been married for about six months. They had a child together before they got married. Seiya, why don't you tell us something about your courtship? SEIYA: Well, Rukie, we stayed together while Usagi's family was out of town and over a while - they were gone for a LONG time - we discovered that we loved each other and. . . DARIEN: Oh, no. That's not the way it is at all. You put my Usagi under some kind of evil spell and. . . HARUKA: Mr. Chiba! You haven't been properly introduced to the audience yet! This is Usagi's ex-fiance, Mamoru Chiba. He believes he is entitled to have marital relations with Seiya's wife. . . DARIEN: She's *not* his wife, dammit! She and I have been destined for each other since the beginning of time. I love her and she loves me and he's just a buttinsky who tries to break up other people's relationships! SEIYA: You just don't know when to quit is all! You think that just because of what happened a thousand years in the past. . . DARIEN: You expect me to believe that crap, you little skunk? (He starts to rise from his chair) You're a (BLEEEEEEEP!) SEIYA: Yeah, well. . . (Haruka gets between them) HARUKA: Guys! Guys! Come on, calm down for a minute! (They reluctantly go back to their seats) Usagi, what do you think of all this? What's your side of the story? SERENA: Well, after my parents went to America, I was home on my own. Even with the other Senshi there, I was so lonely, and Seiya took advantage of it! I'll never forgive myself for falling for him! DARIEN: I told you that she'd never betray me! Now get away from her, you weasel! SEIYA: I'LL FIX YOU, YOU LYING SACK OF (BLEEP)! DARIEN: THAT DOES IT! (He leaps for Seiya, and they fall down behind the desk, brawling. Serena tries to pull them apart, Haruka tries to restore order) HARUKA: Please! Stop it! This isn't doing any good. . . (Darien pokes his head up) DARIEN: It's not just me, Rukie! He put the moves on your girlfriend, too! HARUKA: NANI!?!?!? DARIEN: Cambot-2, run Clip #25! (We see the scene from "Stars" where Seiya hits on Michiru in her backstage dressing room. When it's over, Haruka looks PISSED). HARUKA: You BASTARD! (She leaps at Seiya, and now it's a three-way brawl. Serena tries to pull them apart again, and then suddenly, the lights and alarms go off. The brawlers freeze and pop up into our view. Haruka has Seiya's ponytail in both hands and is yanking it, while Darien is pulling on one of Seiya's earrings. Seiya's face is distorted as only an anime character's can be. Meanwhile, one of his hands is pulling on Haruka's bangs and the other is trying to choke Darien.) SERENA: WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIGN! OTHERS: (breaking apart) LEMON SIIIIIGN! <5> <4> <3> <2> <@> SEIYA: Thanks a *lot,* Darien, I think you cut my ear pulling on my earring. It was just a *sketch,* you didn't need to get that carried away. > (The night) HARUKA: Belongs to Michelob. > Mamoru invited Usagi to his house, they had a romantic >dinner and they danced, and then they almost slept together. " Mamoru-san, >maybe we shouldn't. I'm married now." " Yes, but actually I was engaged to >you first and I should deserve something." " Yes, that's true." They made >love to eachother, Mamoru groaned and moaned DARIEN: Oh, I'm groaning and moaning, all right. >in pleasure. And Usagi just screamed out his name. Usagi didn't feel >comfortable. SERENA: Dammit, the bed's too small. Mamo-chan, why did you go back to that little bitty cot they show in your apartment in the anime? > (After the romantic climax) DARIEN: Usagi shook off the Dark Energy she was possessed by, realized she loved Mamoru, and begged his forgiveness. He held and comforted her as she cried, and then he went after Seiya with the Earth Blade, which he proceeded to shove right up his. . . SEIYA: Let's not go there. > " Usako, I could feel your uncomfortableness, did I do >something wrong, or not do good enough?" SERENA: It's just this fic. You could never disappoint me, Muffin. >" No, it was just fine, but I >don't feel comfortable because I have a husband and a baby boy." SERENA: And an author who thinks nothing of splitting us up. >" I >understand, don't worry I wore a condom, so we won't have any child >together. But, I still love you, even though you married someone else. But >I understand." " Yes, thank you, Mamo-chan, but I'm sorry that I played a >game with your heart." HARUKA: She used his heart for a volleyball! SERENA and DARIEN: Quit playing games with my heart. . . > " Thank you for staying with me tonight. I know that you probably would >have had a >better time with Seiya tonight but you still came over." SERENA: Oh come *on!* SEIYA: You never know until you. . . URRK! SERENA: [has Seiya by the shirt collar] If you *ever* make a comment like that again, I'm gonna tighten that dog collar you wear in Senshi form until your *hair* turns blue, catch my drift? SEIYA: [choking] Caught. . . SERENA: [sweetly] Good. >" You don't need to thank me, Mamo-chan." She kissed him and went to sleep. > (Back at Seiya's new house) > " Papa, where's mama?" HARUKA (as Seiya): She left us for a truck driver named Butch. >" Well, she's visiting a friend. She'll be back in the morning. I'll tuck >you in tonight." " Okay, I love you, papa." " I love you, too, son." Seiya >kissed his son on the forehead and tucked him in. > (The next day) > " Seiya! Seiya Jr.! I'm back!" Usagi came back and yelled. >Seiya and Seiya Jr. ran to her and hugged her. " We missed you." They both >said happily. Seiya Jr. noticed the looks on his parents faces. DARIEN (as Seiya Jr.): Oh, crap, they've been hitting the sauce again. >" I'll go play in my room." " Okay." Seiya motioned for his wife to sit on >the couch for a talk. " So, what did you do last night over at >Mamoru-san's?" " Well, you probably know, anyway." " Yes, I do. It's okay, >I mean he deserves it, because he was engaged to you first. DARIEN: Does *anyone* in this fic have any moral standards? >And then I married you." " Yeah." SERENA: And there's your answer. > (For the rest of their lives) > Seiya and Usagi both got jobs in a very successful business >company, in which they sold things like computers and other high tech >stuff. Seiya got a job as a manager, whom in which he talked to other >clients, Usagi was his secretery. SERENA: A *secretary!?* Yeah right! >They worked well together. There were no >female clients, all male, HARUKA: You know, for a female author, she's got an awfully sexist attitude. >and the younger ones usually flirted with the secretery just for fun, until >they found out that she was married to the big boss. SERENA: Now wasn't that predictable? > As for the other senshi, they worked in the company too as >secreteries for other people, DARIEN: Oh, yeah, *right*! Amy's going to give up her medical career and Lita's going to give up her dream of owning a restaurant to work as secretaries for *Seiya*! SERENA: Like Raye's going to give up her dream of being a singer to work as a secretary for Seiya! SEIYA: Like I'd want to destroy Crystal Tokyo. . . >actually they built the company and it would last forever because of >Usagi's ginzishou. As for Mamoru, he never married anyone, but instead he >worked as assistant manager and he got to spend time with Usagi as just >friends. SERENA: Poor Darien. . . > The End ALL: OR IS IT? > So what did you think? ALL (making "okay" signs with their hands): It stinks! >Hey if you liked this story then read the others. ALL: OTHERS? AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!! >They're not too hentai as the beggining of this one, but they are okay. SERENA: "Too hentai" would be an MMMMFFFFF!!! DARIEN: Please don't say it, love. We don't want to give Forrester ideas. VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: I don't need to be given any ideas. I've got enough of them on my own. > Nicole ^-^ <6> <5> <4> <3> <2> <1> HARUKA: So this is what you go through *all the time*? SERENA: Yep. This Forrester character captured us and trapped us here, and he's forcing us to read bad fanfics. DARIEN: And he's nullified our Scout powers, so we can't teleport out of here or stop the fanfics while they're in progress. SEIYA: Well, Odango, it looks like we're going to be sharing your fate. . .(He starts to move in on her again, but before he can touch her - or before Darien can interrupt him - the voice of Dr. Forrester is heard:) VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: That's where you're wrong, gender bender. Mr. Kou, Ms. Ten'oh, you two are out of here. I only needed you as specimens for this one experiment. I'm warning you: if you come after Frank and I, you'll never find us. And even if you *do,* none of your Scout powers will work. Have a nice day. (Haruka and Seiya disappear with a "poof!") And as for you lovebirds. . .the experiments are *far* from over. I happen to have a *lot* of Blue-Winged Angel fanfics stored up. . .(He attempts a maniacal laugh and ends up choking and spluttering instead. The sound abruptly cuts off). (Serena and Darien cling to each other) SERENA: Oh, Darien. . . DARIEN: I know, honey, I know. But no matter how much pain he throws at us, there's one thing he can't take away - we have each other. SERENA: I'm glad he sent Haruka home. She would have been absolutely miserable stuck up here without Michiru. I don't know how Lita's managing to get along without Ken. . . VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Oh, yeah, and speaking of Lita, I'm letting your other little friends out of their rooms now. (The other Inners burst onto the bridge). LITA: Oh, my Gods, look at them! He put them through some unspeakable torture! RAYE: What did you do to them, you spiky-haired bozo? VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Oh, keep your drawers on, fireball. I just made them read a Blue-Winged Angel fanfic. AMY, MINA, LITA, RAYE: BLUE-WINGED ANGEL?!?!? AMY: You beast! RAYE: You sleazebucket! LITA: You scumball! MINA: You troll! DR. FORRESTER: Yadda, yadda, yadda, I know the drill. You'll *all* be reading the next one - something to look forward to! Toodle-loo for now, my little lab rats. . . RAYE: Oooh, just wait until we get out of here! I'm gonna toast that bastard into charcoal briquettes! AMY: Maybe this will make us feel better. When I was trapped in my room, I downloaded my e-mail. It seems that Dr. Forrester posted our "Sailor Moon: Fantasy!" experiment on the Web, and a lot of people liked it. SERENA: Really? Let's see. (Amy produces her microcomputer. The others gather around it as she reads:) AMY: This first one is from a Sailor Spectra: "I just finished reading this story. It was hilarious. I cannot believe that somebody could be such a horrible writer! I hope you will write more soon." SERENA: We couldn't believe anybody could be such a horrible writer either, Spectra. MINA: And as Forrester just promised us, we will *definitely* be riffing on more fics. Unfortunately for us. AMY: And this next one is from Ninx. DARIEN: Not to be confused with. . .minx. SERENA: (hugging him, in a sexy tone of voice): Mmmm, I just *love* when you call me that, Muffin. OTHERS: GET A ROOM! AMY: Ahem. Here's Ninx's letter: "I am not a hentai reader, but I love MST3000, and therefore had to check it out. I may not be finished, but GOD, do I love this fic!" LITA: Thanks for the comments, Ninx! And you may want to rethink not being a hentai reader - there *are* some good authors out there. Like Sexylyon, Ivana B. Anonymous, Lady M. Harris, Sailor Star Love, Lady Jupiter. . . RAYE: Just avoid any author with the word "Hentai" in his pen name. AMY: Here's another reader who was stunned at how bad Crystal Knight's fic was: "Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... ROTFL big-time... And other expressions of slightly hysterical approval... Translated - this is *funny*. Damned funny. Good on both of you... I'm just amazed (because I'm a sort of innocent ^_^ ) that *anyone* could or would publish that original story. Oh well... certainly the best MST3000 I've read on an anime topic... Martin D. Pay Wishing more humour was done this well..." DARIEN: The best ever? Now that's a *heavy* compliment, considering how many great anime MSTers there are out there. Megane 6.7, Seth Triggs. . . SERENA: Thanks a lot, Martin! LITA: Only why did he say "both of you" when there's six of us? AMY: And this one is from Ken Wolfe: "Absolutely hilarious. Had me laughing louder than anything I've read in a long time. 'Nuff said." MINA: Looks like our riffing went over *real* well! AMY: Well. . .not with everyone. We also got *this* e-mail. . . "You don't know me,but I know you. You had altered my fanfics. I was once known as Who09@aol.com. I do not like my fanfics of Sailor Moon altered. No matter if it is Hentai. Do it again I will clobber you." AMY: Yes, it's from Crystal Knight himself. DARIEN: Well. This is bad. This is very, very bad. (Pause) DARIEN: He changed e-mail addresses. The Cyber Rose Bombs didn't reach their target! SERENA: Bummer! AMY: Yes, but haven't you forgotten, Darien? We did that upgrade. . . DARIEN: Ah, yes! Now we can send him Deluxe Cyber Rose Bombs! LITA: What's the difference? AMY: Regular Cyber Rose Bombs force the recipient to read the complete works of Stephen Ratliff every time he or she turns on the computer. The Deluxe version adds the complete works of Oscar and Nav. SERENA: Whoa. . .that's *real* harsh. DARIEN: Shall we "clobber" him? OTHERS: YEAH! (Darien inserts a floppy into Amy's computer and types on the keyboard) DARIEN: Deluxe Cyber Rose Bombs. . .awaaaaay!!! LITA: Well, that'll fix him for awhile! RAYE: I don't think we'll have to worry about any more fics from him. SERENA: What do you think, sirs? (Deep 13) DR. FORRESTER: I think you can just keep playing with your little toys, Failure Scouts. Pretty soon, I'm going to come up with the fic that will drive you absolutely. . .FRANK! What are you doing? (Frank is hauling a huge load of videocassettes) FRANK: I went to Pussycat A Go Go Video and rented a bunch of tapes to help me do research for my hentai fanfic writing. Check this handle I came up with for myself. . .The Hentai Dude. WOOH! DR. FORRESTER: (picks up one of the tapes, looks at the receipt attached to it): Frank! These tapes are $11.99 per day! FRANK: Oh, don't worry. I only had them for two weeks. I'm taking them back now. DR. FORRESTER: Two. . .weeks? This will mean PAIN, Frank. Cattle prods! Thumbscrews! The iron maiden! FRANK: Heh heh. . .how about if I just. . .push the button? FORRESTER: Oh, no don't. You're not getting out of this that - *PHWOOOOO* (After a few seconds of blackness, a new scene appears: a shadowy alley in Tokyo. Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune approach a mysterious figure hiding in the shadows:) HARUKA: Thanks for flying in from Australia to meet with us. We think you're just the man who can help us out. MICHIRU: Our friends are being held captive on something called a Satellite of Love by a Dr. Forrester. My girlfriend was kidnapped there for a day. HARUKA: And it was unspeakably awful. I was forced to read the most torturously bad fanfic you can imagine. . . MICHIRU: We understand you know more about this Dr. Forrester and his hideout than anyone on the planet. HARUKA: So. . .will you work with us? (The mysterious figure moves out of the shadows, slowly, slowly, and then we see who it is. . .) JOEL ROBINSON: Yes, I will. (Fade to black) (Fade in again on the SOL1) MIKE: Hey guys, it's Dr. F and his sidekick, Laurence of Bleach. SERENA: Please. . . help us, Michael J. Nelson, you're our only hope! MIKE: Somehow, of all the things I was expecting from Dr. Forrester, this one never even started to cross my mind. New idea for the invention exchange, Dr. F? Don't tell me - you've found the cursed springs of Jusenkyou. SERENA: I'm not Dr. Forrester - I'm Serena Tsukino, also known as the Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon. We're trapped up here by Dr. Forrester as well. Can you guys help us get back to Tokyo? CROW: WOW! You're Sailor Moon! COOL! Can I have your autograph? SERENA: If you guys help us get back to Earth, sure. Can you tell us where in space we are, anyway? GYPSY: We're in a geosynchronous orbit over Deep Thirteen, a top-secret Gizmonics Institute research lab buried deep under St. Paul, Minnesota. AMY: So, what should we do to get out of here? (fade to black again) VOICE of FORRESTER: I've got to get that button fixed. SAILOR SAYS SERENA: In today's experiment, Usagi got pregnant because Seiya didn't wear a condom. DARIEN: He thought that you couldn't get pregnant the first time, which is absolutely untrue. You can get pregnant whether it's your first time or your fifty-first. SERENA: And birth control isn't the only reason to use condoms. They can literally save your life. You may think that AIDS can't happen to you, but it can happen to any sexually active person, regardless of age or sexual preference. DARIEN: Any guy who really loves a woman will want to protect her. SERENA: So remember: true love is safe love! Sailor Moon Says! Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson. Sailor Moon was created by Naoko Takeuchi. None of these characters are ours, we're just borrowing them for awhile. This is not a personal attack on the poster, just on what she posted. The sketch involving Blue-Winged Angel was parody, and was not intended as an actual portrayal of the author. Thanks to everyone who wrote to us commenting on our first MSTing, "Sailor Moon: Fantasy!" Both of us were amazed at the response we got - the amount of mail was more than either of us had ever received on a single work. A representative sampling of the letters appears here. We wish we could have published everyone's e-mails, but we just didn't have the space. Thanks again, everyone. . . Writers Mark Berger Sailor Mac Host Segments Directed By Mark Berger and Sailor Mac Cast SERENA TSUKINO/SAILOR MOON Terri Hawkes DARIEN CHIBA/TUXEDO MASK Toby Proctor RAYE HINO/SAILOR MARS Katie Griffin AMY ANDERSON/SAILOR MERCURY Karen Bernstein LITA KINO/SAILOR JUPITER Susan Roman MINA AINO/SAILOR VENUS Stephanie Morganstern HARUKA TEN'OH/SAILOR URANUS Ogata Megumi MICHIRU KAIOH/SAILOR NEPTUNE Katsuki Masako SEIYA KOU/SAILOR STAR FIGHTER Niiyama Shiho DR. FORRESTER and CROW Trace Beaulieu TV'S FRANK Frank Coniff JOEL ROBINSON Joel Hodgson MIKE NELSON Michael J. Nelson GYPSY Jim Mallon TOM SERVO Kevin Murphy Keep circulating the fansubs. . . >" Well, our flight is going to be delayed for a while, >it's not good over here, the weather, and we will be delayed for 10 >months."