NOTE: All characters original to the Tenchi-Muyo! TV1 series portrayed in this story, as well as all those from the Tenchi-Muyo! Ryo-Ohki OVA series, are the sole property of AIC and Pioneer Animation. Any appearance of them in actual life is purely coincidental. Tenchi-Muyo! material and paraphernalia listed within is copyright Pioneer Animation 1997. Kyoto Minamoto, Muriyaki Kushiragi, Chisako, Chi-Ohki, and all other related characters are the sole property of Joe (Chi-Ohki) McKenzie and appear through permission from Joe (Chi-Ohki) McKenzie. Episode #20: No Need for Nukes! Kyoto groans loudly as the muffled thumping against the other side of the wall continues unabated. First thing tomorrow, he will have some words for the people who run this motel and their shoddy building materials. "Good god, listen to them!" Ryoko chuckles and snuggles closer. "Well, Kyoto, they have been apart for a week...." "And listen to them making up for lost time!" he retorts. As if cued by his words, a pair of identical female voices squeal delightedly on the other side of the wall, and are answered by Tenchi’s. Kyoto rolls his eyes and sighs. "I swear, you know how bad Tenchi and Kiyone are on a regular basis.... and how they get if they’ve been apart for longer than an hour.... now, multiply that by two." Ryoko shrugs, then reaches across her husband for her purse on the nightstand. Opening it, she extracts a small white-noise machine and turns it on. Replacing the purse, she says, "There. Now we oughta be able to sleep." Kyoto pulls his wife close. "I knew there was a reason I married you." "Flatterer," she mumbles sleepily. * * * * * * Tenchi tears into his breakfast with a vengeance. "Mmm.... god, I’m hungry." "As hungry as you were last night, Daddy?" asks Yoni in a lilting voice. "Yeah, Tenchi-yon," agrees Kiyone-yoni. "You were very hungry last night!" The two Kiyones giggle and snuggle closer to Tenchi. Kyoto rolls his eyes. "Look at you, Tenchi. You don’t even look embarrassed!" Tenchi looks at him quizzically, then shrugs and grins. Kyoto sighs. "Anyway...." Ryoko pulls a map from her oversized purse. "We’re about 300 miles from the base. This base is heavily guarded, with at least one company of guards on duty at all times." Katsuhito strokes his mustache. "At all times?" Ryoko nods. "At all times. However, on weekends most of the regular personnel are on leave and the guards have relaxed duties. Hitting the base on a Sunday is our best bet." She grins. "Most everyone will either be sleeping off hangovers or in church." "That’s fine as a back-up plan," agrees Tenchi, "but I think we should try something a little more subtle. If we have to fight our way out, we might end up blowing the base--and ourselves--sky high." "What did you have in mind?" inquires Kyoto. "We figure out where the off-duty personnel spend there time, get one of them good and liquored up, and steal his--or her--security pass," answers Yoni. Ryoko nods in approval. "Good plan, Yoni. When’d you come up with that?" "During a break last night," smiles the second Kiyone. "And then what?" asks Kyoto, already sensing what’s coming. "We knock him out, tie him up and stick him someplace safe, and you assume his form, get us in, get the nuke, and get us out. That simple." "Is it? We have to drive 300 miles to get there and we’re a little short on money now." "It’s Thursday, and exactly how much do we have left?" Kyoto closes his eyes, totaling up the amount in his head, then answers "....fifty grand." "That sounds rather substantial," notes Katsuhito. "You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But I have to take some of it back to Chisako to make more, and.... the accommodations around the base are rather sparse. We may have to rent rooms in another town miles away, and it might take us time to figure out where they hang out." "Well, we’d better get going then," Kiyone-yoni says firmly. "The sooner we get moving, the sooner we’ll find out." Kyoto reached for his wallet. "Right. Get everything packed; we leave is ten." * * * "Oh.... it’s real food!" Mirei, overjoyed at having real food to cook with at last, is cuddling a large, plastic-wrapped side of beef to her left cheek. Momoko is doing likewise to a large salami. Kyo watches this scene with amusement. "Hey, Moko-chan, how come you never do that to my salami?" "Onii-chan no hentai!" Momoko lashes out with the salami, using it like a whip. It slams into Kyo’s head, causing him to stumble backwards and fall into the living room. This happens just as Washu walks in the door. "Um...." Washu is sweatdropping. "What.... just... happened.... here?" "Um.... nothing, Aunt Washu.... we were, uh.... just trying out the food!" She holds up the salami lovingly, then takes a big bite. "You know why they call it oiishi, don’t you?" Washu shakes her head. "I’m surprised you’ve forgiven your father for making you sing that jingle in his restaurant’s commercial." "I haven’t, but it feels.... Appropriate for this moment." She finishes off the entire chain of salami and lets out a large belch and then daintily taps her lips with a napkin. "Excuse me!" Washu facefaults. * * * "....Old Macdonald had a farm, ee-ay-ee-ay-oh, and on this farm he had a cabbit, ee-ay-ee-ay-oh, with a Mi-ya, Mi-ya! here, and a...." Ryoko grimaces to herself as she listens to her husband sing. "Kyoto, please. At least sing something else!" "Would you rather be in the Packard listening to Tenchi and the Kiyones make rock and roll?" Ryoko sticks out her tongue and swats at her husband. "Ick!... Baka!" Kyoto laughs. "Well, let’s check in on them...." He picks up a futuristic-looking hand-held radio (By this world’s standards, it is futuristic) and flips it on. "Come on back now, Bandit, this is the Snowman..." Ryoko sticks her tongue out again. "This is the Bandit," Katsuhito answers calmly, "anything the matter?" "How’s that load of moonshine coming?" Katsuhito glances over his shoulder briefly before turning his gaze back to the road and responding. "It’s..... still sloshing in the bottle." Kyoto almost loses control of the truck as he keels over the wheel in laughter. "Seriously, though, it’s all quiet. They’re sleeping." "Really..." Kyoto has a devilish grin on his face. "Kyoto, don’t!" warns Ryoko. "Ah... but I’m bored! The radio’s busted and CBs are still in their infancy! But, we could always have sex while I drive to make it more interesting!" Ryoko smirks at him. "Keep your mind on the road, or you’ll be sleeping in the truck tonight." Kyoto groans and depresses the clutch and brake, slowing the truck down to fall in behind the Packard. Ryoko leans over to Kyoto and whispers in his ear, "There are other things I can do, though...." "What are they doing back there?!" mutters Katsuhito. Tenchi, ensconced between his sleeping wives, awakens. "Grandpa.... what’s goin’ on?" "Look behind us," answers Katsuhito. "Okay...." Tenchi cranes his head around--and blinks as he watches the truck swerving wildly. "What the hell is going on in there?!" "Tenchi-yon?" Kiyone-yoni pokes her head up. "What’s happening?" Tenchi jerks a thumb towards the truck. "Either Kyoto’s asleep, or--" He is not given a chance to voice the second possibility, for the truck suddenly accelerates. "What th--Grandpa, floor it!" Katsuhito complies, urging the Packard ahead of the now-gyrating truck. All at once, said truck veers off the road, coming to rest on nose-first in a ditch. The Packard slams to a stop, and its occupants scramble out of the car, making their way down to the crashed truck. Tenchi is the first one down. "Hey! You guys all right?" The truck’s horn suddenly blares--once, twice, thrice, and finally a sustained blast that lasts for about a minute. "...." After a moment, the passenger-side door swings open, and Ryoko climbs out, slightly red-faced and dabbing at her mouth with a handkerchief. Kyoto follows, a lit cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. Tenchi looks back and forth between the two and groans. "I don’t believe this." "What?" Kyoto wears an indignant look. "It’s not like you and Kiyone haven’t pulled this a thousand times, Tenchi!" He sighs. "Besides, we don’t have time to worry about that now. We’d better check the truck." He starts to turn toward the truck, but notes everyone staring at him. "What?" Tenchi is covering his face as he murmurs, "Umm.... Kyoto.... your fly’s down." "What th--" Kyoto looks down, flushes red, and yanks up his zipper. If he had been in less of a hurry, he would have avoided what came next--and the hopping around for five minutes, cursing in pain. Ryoko looks digested. "Idiot! You bruised it!" "Ryoko, this is hardly the time...." chides Kiyone-yoni. "Since when has that stopped you and Tenchi?" Ryoko shoots back. "Besides, it was just--" She whispers the action in Kiyone-yoni’s ear, who blushes slightly and passes it along to Yoni. Now giggling, the two Kiyones grab Tenchi and drag him up to the car. Tenchi has just enough time to yell, "We’ll send a tow truck!" before disappearing from earshot. Kyoto shakes his head. "And they said we had no self-control...." * * * Later that day (about 8:30 AM).... "The entire rear axle is busted," explains the mechanic. "I don’t know what you did to this truck, son, but...." He shakes his head. "Can you fix it?" "We-ell....." The mechanic stands quiet for a few moments, stroking his mustache, before responding. "Lucky for you, we have several spare axles that oughta fit your truck." Kyoto reaches for his wallet. "How much?" "About five hundred if you want it rolling by the weekend." Kyoto thinks it over for a moment, then hands over the requested amount. "Do it--and thanks," in reference to the middle-aged mechanic driving out and towing their truck in at 5:00 A.M. The older man nods. "Sure thing, son." He heads back into the garage proper, to direct the efforts of his assistants. Kyoto turns and walks back into the office, where Ryoko and Katsuhito are sitting. "It’ll be awhile. He said he can have it up and running by the weekend." Ryoko chews on her lower lip. "That’s gonna be tight...." "We’ll be fine," Kyoto says reassuringly, as he sits down and wraps an arm around his wife’s shoulders. "Now, Tenchi and the Kiyones should be back any minute with--" "We’re back!" Kiyone-yoni steps into the office. "We found a couple of decent motel rooms. Tenchi’s waiting in the car." "Where’s Yoni?" "Back at the motel, showering," answers Tenchi, as he enters the office and loops an arm around Kiyone’s waist. "Got everything?" * * * Nobuyuki stifles a curse as Kyo bumps into his back. "Watch it!" he hisses. "Sorry!" Kyo snaps back. "I don't see why we hafta do this...." "You're hungry, aren't you?" the older man counters. "Yeah...." "Then come on." The two men make their way down the stairs, towards the kitchen. The room is dark--sensible, seeing as everyone else is asleep. Looking both ways, the two men slink into the kitchen, towards the fridge. They stop in their tracks at the sight that awaits them. Ken-ohki, and some of his and Ryo-ohki's kibbens*, are standing guard in front of the fridge. Ken-ohki is wearing an Ohki-sized military helmet, and is standing by while his offspring march back and forth carrying carrots like rifles and mi-yaing in cadence. Kyo is trying to stifle his laughter, while Nobuyuki is just standing there with his jaw on the floor. "I knew it!" The lights behind them flicker on, and Mirei steps into view, an amused smirk on her face. "I knew you two wouldn't be able to wait till tomorrow!" Nobuyuki puts on his best stern expression. "Mirei, let us have some food." Mirei shakes her head. "Uh-uh." "Come on!" pleads Kyo, kneeling in front of her. "Pretty please, Mirei?" He starts to kiss her toes. "Please let us have some food....?" Mirei backs away, looking thoughtful. "Well, if you're really that hungry...." She turns to the table and picks up an apple. "Here!" "No!" scream both men, shrinking away as if the piece of fruit were deadly poison. "We want real food, Mirei... we're all sick of fruit," whines Kyo. "Well, if you're hungry then go eat the fruit, because you're not going to get any food until tomorrow. We've gotta conserve it!" "But, Mirei, we just got a huge load of food, we don't need to conserve anymore." "Well, I don't want us to run out of real food and have to go back to eating fruit again. It was very hard on me having nothing to work with other than fruit..." Tears are beginning to pool in the corners of Mirei's eyes. Nobuyuki, her only family member present, walks forward and wraps his arms around his granddaughter. "There, there, Mirei, the food you made was delicious. You're a really good cook." "Thank you, Grandpa Nobuyuki," replies Mirei, drying her eyes with Nobuyuki's undershirt. "It's okay, Mirei, we're not really hungry. We'll just wait until you make breakfast tomorrow," says Nobuyuki soothingly. "But, I'm still hungry," insists Kyo. "I missed dinner; Tokimi and I were.... doing some repairs." Mirei's face takes on a devilish grin. "I know what you were doing, you were being naughty!" With that, Mirei stomps on Kyo's left foot, sending him off dancing around on his good foot while Mirei roars with laughter. After Kyo stops howling in pain, Mirei relents and makes the three of them gigantic submarine sandwiches for a midnight snack. Kyo grins as he finishes his, and he picks up Mirei in his arms and kisses her. "Thank you, Mirei!" Mirei kisses him back full on the lips. A second later this seems too well planned for Kyo, for Momoko walks in at that very moment. "Onii-chan... what are you doing to Mirei?" "Huh?!" "Come on, Kyo-chan, you promised you have sex with me," Mirei chides in a seductive voice. She has a wide grin on her face. Momoko takes in a deep breath before screaming "Onii-chan no Hentai!" and ripping off her robe. Underneath is a black spandex ninja outfit with a red sash tied around her waist. Five minutes later, Kyo is limping back to his room, black and blue all over. As soon as he is out of earshot, the two girls begin laughing. Nobuyuki sweat drops, finishes his sandwich, and leaves the kitchen as quickly as he can. * * * The phone rings. Both Kyoto and Ryoko groan. Kyoto is spread-eagled on the bed, and Ryoko had been about to slide him in when the phone rang. Mumbling to herself, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. "YES?!" The first thing she hears is a slow trickle, sounding almost as if someone's.... and then she hears a flushing sound. Katsuhito's unrufflable voice chuckles. "Hah, hah, Flush-O-gram!" The other end clicks off. Ryoko has a disgusted look on her face. "Oh my god." Kyoto nods. "That's ruined the mood." Ryoko looks disappointed, and is about to try to "restimulate" her husband when the phone rings again. Growling, she yanks up the receiver again. "What?!" "Um... this is management," says Katsuhito in a pathetically disguised voice. "Is... um... is your refrigerator running?" "Yes--" "Then you better catch it!" laughs Katsuhito. Thoroughly irked by now, Ryoko sends a blast of psyonic energy through the phone line. A second later there is an explosion on the other side of the wall and "We're sorry, the number you have dialed has been disconnected message" plays over her handset. Yanking the phone cord out of the wall, and chuckling to herself, Ryoko snuggles up to Kyoto. "Now, where were we?" Kyoto sighs. "Sorry.... I've lost the mood." "Well, then I'll have to help you catch it again, daddy." Kyoto gulps, becoming acutely aware that his reaction to that word is the same as Tenchi's. As if to emphasize this, he hears Tenchi and his wives next door, and hears the Kiyones use that word liberally. Ryoko can see his reaction and promptly slips it inside of her, groaning as she feels him filling her. "So.... I see that works on you too." "Only with you...." Kyoto manages between grunts. "I can feel it...." she replies, her body becoming streaked with sweat. Fumbling violently, Kyoto kills the lights. * * * "Lord Kyoto…." Nagi walks into her boss’s private chambers. She comes to a halt at the sight of his actions. The evil Kyoto Minamoto is having his way with the corpse of a ten-year old Nekojin girl. He is grunting like animal as he pushes himself into her limp form. Nagi is unfounded by this appalling sight. Instead, she waits patiently until he finishes, then helps him into a bathrobe. "Very impressive, my lord." "Thank you," acknowledges Kyoto. "You should have seen it when she was alive." He dips a finger between the body’s thighs, pulls it out, and sucks on the bloody digit. "At the end, her blood made a wonderful lubricant." Nagi nods in agreement, then holds up a data board for him to inspect. "Here are the repair progressions for Tomoko." Kyoto scowls as he reads the report. "Those techs should have been twice as far along by now." Nagi shrugs. "Bear in mind that an entire saucer was ripped off, and it will take a significant amount of time to build a replacement. In addition, we are also having to contend with a set of nuclear reactors that our science is still largely unfamiliar with." Kyoto nods reluctantly. "Alright…. Tell the techs to work as fast as they can." He smiles. "Tell me, what is the news of our adversaries on Earth?" Nagi thinks for a moment, then says, "At last report, they had crash landed in the south Pacific." "No arrests or detected movements?" "None." "Very well, then. Keep me informed. Oh, and send a new Nekojin girl up. A live one, this time." "At once, my lord." * * * Kyoto drains the beer in one gulp, burps, and slams the bottle on the bar. "Another!" The bartender obediently passes him another bottle of Budweiser. Ryoko smacks his shoulder. "Idiot. Getting drunk isn’t gonna make those parts get here any faster." Kyoto shrugs. "Maybe not, but it’ll make the waiting more bearable. Why couldn’t that moron at the garage have told us that he needed to order more parts?!" "I don’t think he knew at the time," his wife retorts. She then pulls the bottle from him. "And you’re drinking too much." Kyoto turns to give his wife a sideways glare. Ryoko, in order to look more inconspicuous, had dyed her hair black and was wearing it down--altogether, a very fetching sight. Still, she had said, she would be glad to get home so she could "look normal again." "Hey, all!" The door of the tavern swings open, and a tall, bulky man wearing a beat-up leather jacket and baseball cap. The regulars respond in kind. "Norm!" The barkeep pours the new arrival a drink. "Didn’t think we’d see ya back here for another week or so. How long till you go out on the road again?" Norm sighs. "Coupla hours. I’m running this giant load o’ toilet paper down to Albuquerque." Kyoto looks up, the light of inspiration shining in his eyes. "That’s it." Ryoko looks at him in confusion. "What’s ‘it?’" "He has a truck," Kyoto tells her quietly. "He has a truck. We can take his truck!" "Ohhh...." Ryoko shakes her head. "Kyoto, of all the insane--" "It’ll work," Kyoto promises. "Now, here’s what we’ll do...." * * * "Mi-ho-shi!" Mitsuki is struggling to hold Mihoshi back from the kitchen entryway. "Calm down, Mihoshi!" "But I’m so hungry, Mitsuki!" Mihoshi whines, fighting Mitsuki’s grip for all she’s worth. "We just had breakfast!" Mitshuki reminds her, fighting to maintain her patience. "It wasn’t enough!" With that, Mihoshi redoubles her efforts to break loose from her partner. Mitsuki is ready to give up, but she has one last card to play. "Kami-yon!" Kamidake comes scurrying into the room. "What’s wrong, ‘tsuki-yoni?" The sight before him answers his own question, and he joins his wife in pulling Mihoshi away from the kitchen. An hour later, Mitsuki is stretched out on the couch, an ice pack resting on her forehead. Kamidake is sitting in the chair next to her, looking at her worriedly. "Are you all right, ‘tsuki-yoni?" "I don’t know," she croaks. "I.... I shoud have figured she’d act like that once she found out that we had food...." "I have a solution!" The couple looks up to see Washu coming out of her lab. "We can freeze her!" "‘Freeze her?’" repeats Kamidake, looking confused. "We can put her in cryogenic stasis until the others return!" Washu explains. "That way, she won’t wake up until there are enough people here to control her--most specifically Kiyone, who she’ll listen to more than anyone else." "What if something happens to her?" inquires Kamidake. "That’s a bonus! But seriously, if you and Azaka came out of a relatively dangerous Jurai power hibernation after a five-thousand-year nap, Mihoshi will be fine in there for a few days." "And how will you get her in there?" Mitsuki asks, sitting up gingerly. Washu smiles smugly and crosses her arms. "Watch and learn." That afternoon sees a mobile cryostasis module being rolled towards a grove of trees in the F-deck arboretum. "How’d you do it?" asks Mitsuki, panting slightly with the effort of pushing the large device. Kamidake looks at Mitsuki concernedly. "’tsuki-yoni, Washu and I can handle this just fine...." "I’m fine," she insists. "You really should be careful in your condition, Mitsuki," Washu cautions. "Even if you are only a few weeks pregnant." "I’ll be fine," she promises. "Now, how did you get her in there?" She gestures to the unconscious Mihoshi, curled up in the chamber. "Easy," answers Washu. "I left a trail of chocolates leading right to it." * * * "You want to what?!" Tenchi hisses. "Keep it down," advises Kyoto. "It’s very simple. We steal his truck and take it to Los Alamos." "Isn’t that just a little too conspicuous for our purposes?" Kiyone-yoni says pointedly. Ryoko sighs. "That’s exactly what I told this idiot." Kyoto shoots an annoyed glance around the table. "Anyone’s got a better idea, now’s the time." Silence. "Exactly," states Kyoto. "Now, Ryoko and I will.... ‘take care’.... of the guy...." "The last thing we need is more blood on our hands," Yoni interjects. "We won’t kill him," Ryoko says placatingly. Tenchi sighs. "All right. What do you want us to do?" "At the moment? Just stay here and have some drinks. We’ll be back soon." Kyoto and Ryoko rise from the table and begin to wade through the crowded bar towards their quarry. Tenchi sighs and stretches. "Looks like we’re out of beer," gesturing to the empty pitcher. "You two still thirsty?" Both Kiyones nod. "All right, be right back." Tenchi picks the carafe up and heads through a less densely-packed sea of humanity toward the bar. Once he’s there.... "A refill of draft, please," he requests. The barkeep nods and takes the pitcher. Tenchi leans against the bar and starts to shift his position, in anticipation of the wait, and inadvertantly brushes against a hulking figure. "Oops, sorry." The man, a big bruiser of a fellow who doesn’t seem inclined towards diplomacy, turns to glare down at Tenchi. "‘Sorry?’ That’s all you have to say to me? Sorry?!" Tenchi meets the bigger man’s gaze with a calm look. "What else is there for me to say? All I did was brush against you, an--" His words die away as the man lifts him up by the collar of his shirt. "No man talks back to Big Jim Towne and gets away with it!" The crowd around the two men suddenly disperses. The two Kiyones shoot out of their seats, obviously torn between rushing to help their husband and not wanting him to get hurt even more by their intervention. "Big Jim" laughs as he sees them. "Those two with you? They’re cute...." "Keep your filthy hands offa them," grunts Tenchi. "And while you’re at it, put me the hell down!" He brings his knee up viciously up into Big Jim’s gut. Big Jim’s face turns purple. With an unhealthy-sounding urk, he drops Tenchi to the floor before collapsing himself. Tenchi rises, slowly but steadily, to his feet. He leans against the bar just in time for the bartender to hand him the now-filled pitcher. "There you go, sir," he says in a respectful voice. Tenchi nods in thanks and turns to walk away when he hears a guttural sound of anger. Before he can react, Big Jim has hefted him up and tossed him behind the bar. He lands on the bartender with a bit-off curse. Satisfied with his work, he strides towards the table where Tenchi’s stunned wives are watching in horror. "Ungh.... my head...." Tenchi pulls himself up with the bar and helps the barkeep to his feet. While still woozy with pain, his eyes clear and harden as he sees his assailant approaching his beloveds. He turns to the bartender. "’scuse me, sir, but would you happen to have a mop?" The bartender is halfway to the shotgun under the counter when he hears Tenchi’s question. "A what?!" Tenchi smiles smugly. "Trust me...." "You two sure you don’t wanna come home with me?" Big Jim smiles what he imagines is a charming smile (in reality, it’s quite the opposite). Kiyone-yoni sniffs. "No thanks. We’re taken." "Both of you?! By him?!" Big Jim’s smile is replaced by a look of shock. The two Kiyones nod as one. "Heh. Let me show you two what a real man’s like--" Big Jim pauses in mid-oration at a tap on his shoulder. "What th--ummph!" He clutches at his now-bloody nose, courtesy of Tenchi Masaki (also known as "death with a bokken.... or a fighting pike.... or a mop handle...." ^^) "I said, leave the ladies alone." "’oo bwoke mai dose!" Ignoring his injury, Big Jim rushes at Tenchi. One thing about this gaijin, he’s persistent, Tenchi thinks. Sighing, he brings his weapon up again. A fierce thrust to the chin, a jab to his already-bruised gut, and Big Jim goes down again. It’ll be several hours before he gets back up. The background noise, which had tentatively restarted, falls silent again. Tenchi grounds the mop end with a soft click. "Anyone else?" Silence. Tenchi turns around, to smile at his wives, and crumples to the ground as a glass bottle is broken over his head. Behind him grins a grimy-looking man who sizes up the Kiyones with a grin. "Heh heh heh--umph!" He topples over as Tenchi slowly rises to his feet, wobbling a little. "He hit Robby!" screams one of the ugly guy’s friends. "Get ’im!" The two Kiyones rise from the table and take up positions on either side of Tenchi, assuming fighting stances from a Megamian form of martial arts that Tenchi isn’t very familiar with (the only time he tried it, he ended up in a regen machine for nearly a week). "Ready, girls?" asks Tenchi, cursing himself for getting his wives into this mess. They nod their assent, and the fighting begins. "That was easy," Ryoko remarks as she disembarks from the tractor-trailer. "I’ll say," agrees Kyoto, bouncing the keys up and down in his hand. "I’m glad you talked me into buying the truck instead. I’d forgotten how cheap things were back about this time." Arm in arm, they walk towards the tavern door--and stop in their tracks as a hapless individual is sent flying through the swinging slab of wood. After a moment of motionless staring, Ryoko whispers, "Tenchi?" "Probably," Kyoto concurs. "Let’s get in there." They burst through the doors to see a scene that could be in any of a dozen action movies: the roughhousing in the bar. In the center of the chaos are Tenchi and the Kiyones, who seem to be relatively unscathed. Of course, that might have something to do with the the mops they’re using as weapons.... It takes a moment for the scene to process. It finishes about the time Tenchi uses his mop like a five-iron and slams it into one fighter’s shin, who trip into another, and so forth, causing a domino effect. "How the hell did this happen?" Ryoko hisses. "Probably one of the young toughs at the bar saw the Kiyones, got a boner, and decided he had something to prove. Tenchi kicked his ass, his friends got riled up and--where do you think you’re going?!" Ryoko herself is wading into the fray. "It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a good old-fashioned brawl. Just wish Ayeka was here; a good fight would take her mind off of Seiryo." Literally rolling up her blouse’s sleeves, she dives into the free-for-all and starts bashing on the first soul she encounters. (No-one notices the small group of Orientals, sitting off to one side, who are observing the fight like racetrack junkies watching their horses.) Sighing, Kyoto moves over to the only non-violent area of the room. This happens to be right next to a jukebox. On impulse, he slams a fist down on it, to see if anything will play.... "Feelings, nothing more than feelings...." All activity in the bar ceases, as the collective gaze shifts over to Kyoto. "Ah heh heh heh...." Laughing nervously, Kyoto whaps the jukebox again. "Everyone was kung-fu fighting...."* Activity resumes, and Kyoto wonders why he let that happen. An hour has passed before Tenchi and company manage to fight their way out of the bar. Inexplicably, Ryoko is rather reluctant to go; she’s holding a large bottle of whiskey and singing along to the jukebox. "Bye, bye (hic), Miss American Pie (hic), drove my Chevy (hic) to the levee (hic) but the levee (hic) was dry (hic)...." "And us without Alka-Sober," Yoni remarks dryly. "Wait! Please, wait a moment!" One of the small group of Orientals who had been watching the fight comes rushing up. "Please, is she--" he indicates Ryoko "--is she capable of coherent speech?" "’course I’m capable of co--of cohe--of talking plainly," Ryoko grouses. "Whaddya want?" "We were very impressed by your fighting prowess," the smaller man explains. "We were wondering if you would like to assist us in a matter requiring actions that are somewhat less than peaceful--for a sufficient price, of course." Ryoko quirks an eyebrow; the alcohol is already fading from her blood. "I’m listening.... * * * "Kick-boxing?!" The two Kiyones gulp at the rare look of disgust on their husband’s face. "Kyoto, we’re compromising our timetable so you and Ryoko can pad your wallets with blood money?!" "Would you calm down, Tenchi?" Ryoko replies. "It’s only one match, and no one’s gonna get killed." Tenchi blows out an exasperated breath. "All right, all right.... where is this match gonna be?" "At the old electrical plant on the edge of town." "All right.... I still can’t believe that Thai kickboxers are here, of all places." * * * "Auntie Mitsuki?" Mirei wears a worried expression. "Do you know where Auntie Mihoshi is?" Mitsuki barely maintains its innocent look. "Umm.... no, Mirei, I don’t.... why do you ask?" "She was supposed to help Momoko and I cook dinner. Are you sure you don’t know where she is?" Mirei’s words sound almost accusatory, but Mitsuki knows that the young girl is just worried. Aren’t we all, she thinks. "I really don’t know, Mirei. Sorry." "Oh, well...." Mirei reaches up and pulls Rei-ohki down from her perch in her mistress’ hair and starts petting the cabbit absently. "I’ll go check around. See you!" She walks off, still cradling the cabbit in her arms. Mitsuki sighs and turns to Washu, who has just entered. "I don’t feel that great about his now, Washu." "I know, but think of the peace and quiet we’re getting now. Besides, we can just thaw her out when the others get back." "I hope it’ll be that simple, Washu." * * * Tenchi is looking around the plant’s interior with rising trepidation. "Good god." The entire inside of the old plant has been turned into a makeshift boxing ring. Kyoto stretches and yawns. "Great, isn’t it? It’s been years since the last time I was in a dive like this." "You’ve fought in a place like this?" "Many times. Very profitable.... Is Ryoko ready yet?" The two Kiyones come out of the makeshift dressing room, followed by Ryoko, who is wearing a robe like most boxers and wrestlers before a fight. "I think that’s your answer," Tenchi quips. Ryoko climbs into the ring and doffs her robe. Tenchi and Kyoto gulp as they see that, underneath, she’s dressed like Sonya Blade from Mortal Kombat Trilogy. "Who’s idea was that?" Tenchi finally manages. Kiyone-yoni shrugs. "Hers. She said she was feeling like a video game character anyway, so she might as well go the distance." The four of them seat themselves as the fight begins. It’s a short one. The second the bell rings, Ryoko’s in motion. A series of lightning-quick punches to her opponent’s gut, a roundhouse kick to the head, and the finishing move: a light tap on a pressure point that turns him into jelly. Her opponent, a large and musclular man with scars all over his body, barely has time to wonder how this young girl could beat him so easily before collapsing to the floor, unconscious. "Ha ha ha!" Ryoko is rifling through the large wad of cash. "I can’t believe I won so much from just one fight!" "You mean we," corrects Kyoto, trying to snatch the wad of cash away from her. "Oh, shut up, baka! I was the one up there fighting, risking my life--" "You had your opponent unconscious in thirty seconds! He never even touched you!" "Even so...." "This is ridiculous, you two," sighs Tenchi. "Let’s just get back to the hotel and go to bed." "That’s right," agrees Kiyone-yoni, on Tenchi’s left arm. "It’s gonna be a long drive tomorrow." "Wait." This comes from Yoni, on Tenchi’s right arm. "Where’s Grandpa?" "Ah, there you are." Katsuhito walks up to them, counting his own roll of cash. "You wouldn’t believe how much I just made...." * * * "Yep--hic--you’se da best--hic--friend I gots--hic--in da wold. ‘notha drink, please?" Tenchi smiles at the thoroughly plastered bald man. In spite of his state of inebriation, he is actually one of Los Alamos’ top weapons designers. "Sure, friend, here you go." He signals for another shot of whiskey and places it in front of the other man. "Drink up." "Aww, tanks, pal!" The scientist downs the shot. "Now, wha’ wazzat fava ya was askin’?" "Just wanted to see your ID card." "Shure, shure!" The other man fumbles with his wallet for a few minutes before finally extracting the card. "There ya go! Whaddya wanna see it fer?" "No reason." Tenchi orders another beer. "Have another drink." This process repeats until the other man is asleep, his head resting on the table with drool and alcohol dripping from the corner of his mouth. "Thank you." Tenchi pats the unconscious man on the shoulder and walks over to another table, where Kyoto is waiting. "Got it." "Good," murmurs Kyoto. "This’ll make things really easy." * * * The guard at the gate straightens up as he sees the approaching truck. One hand on his holstered automatic, he raises the other to signal a stop. The large tractor-trailer grinds to a halt. The driver’s-side window slides down and the driver, a youngish-looking man, hands him a security card along with the appropriate documents. "Supply shipment." "Ahh, I see. ‘bout time we had some decent food around here." The guard laughs. "All righty, take it in." He steps back into the guardhouse and hits a switch, and the gate rolls back. The truck moves forward into the base. It rumbles to a stop about ten meters from a nondescript-looking building. "That’s the one?" Kiyone-yoni whispers. "Yep," Tenchi whispers back, checking the map. "Kyoto, you’re sure this guy has sufficient clearance?" "Yep. Drunk or not, he’s this base’s top weapons developer." Kyoto closes his eyes and shimmers, the form of the scientist replacing his own. "Sergeant!" The trooper snaps to attention. "Dr. Weinberg! What are you doing here? It’s Sunday!" "Command woke me up this morning," says "Dr. Weinberg" briskly. "They want one of the nukes transferred to Fort Ellis today." "Fort Ellis?" The guard looks surprised. "I hadn’t heard anything about this...." "Like I said, Command woke me up with this news just thirty minutes ago. They didn’t say much, but they did mention something about a ‘miniaturized launch system.’ Anyhow, the truck and guards are ready to go." He jerks a finger at the five fatigue-clad men and women standing near a trailer truck. "Well, I’ll hafta confirm it...." Still looking skeptical, the sergeant picks up his radio. "Command, this is Nelson, out at Storage Two. Doc Weinberg’s here claiming that he’s s’posed to move one of the--which type, Doc?" "One of the Nightman warheads--M-33 tupe, I think." "Thanks.... one of the M-33 types out to Ellis. Can you confirm?" "We confirm that, Nelson," Washu says firmly into her headset. It was child’s play for her to tap into his radio’s frequency. "Clear him for whatever he needs." "Roger, Command. Nelson out." Nelson replaces his radio and smiles sheepishly at "Weinberg." "Sorry, Doc, you know how it is. Gotta make extra sure that no one’s playing around with these." "No problem at all. I’d have been somewhat disappointed if you hadn’t." "Weinberg" holds out some papers. "Here’s all the paperwork." Nelson checks the papers and nods. "Everything’s in order. Do you need help loading it up?" "My people can handle it just fine, but thanks anyway." "Weinberg" signals to his troops. "C’mon, people. Let’s get this show on the road." * * * "That was almost too easy," Tenchi comments afterwards, as the Packard and the truck wind their way down the highway, towards the West Coast. "Relax," says Kyoto over the CB. "We’ll be in California before they even check with Fort Ellis. And by then, they’ll never be able to find us." "Anyway," interjects Ryoko, "we got this job done about a week ahead of schedule. Why don’t we stop somewhere--say, Vegas--and take a short vacation?" "That sounds like fun!" Kiyone-yoni agrees. "Can we please, Tenchi-yon?" pleads Yoni. "I don’t see why not.... we’d better let them know what we’re doing first, though." * * * "Still nothing to report?" "Nothing at all, Lord Kyoto.... wait, there is something, but I’m not sure whether it’s of any significance or not." Evil Kyoto shrugs. "Well, let’s hear it." "Three days ago, a nuclear device was removed from the development center at Los Alamos, under the pretext of transport to Fort Ellis. Today, one of Los Alamos’ duty officers called Fort Ellis, to confirm safe reception of the device. The people didn’t know what he was talking about." This Kyoto chuckles. "So. It appears out adversaries are more resourceful than I thought." "Shall I inform the Terran authorities?" Kyoto shakes his head. "No. Not yet, at any rate. Let Masaki and his band effect their repairs." Nagi looks confused. "But why, my lord?" "They are worthy adversaries, after all is said and done. The least we can do is allow them to level the playing field, ne?" THE END