From: "Warren" Subject: [Ranma][MST3K] Ranma Kills! *TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE) EPISODE 23: RANMA KILLS! PT. 1 (A Ranma 1/2 MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... "Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of her work. "Ranma Kills!" is the property of Sir Asayogure and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;) Warning: This fic contains scenes of extreme violence. (Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....) It's the not-too-distant future, Last sunday BC There was this guy named Joel Not so different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another guy in a red jumpsuit He did a great job cleaning up the place, But his bosses really hate him So they shot him into space!!!! Joel: (OH....MY....GODDESS!!!) Crow and Tom: (IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!) (Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout) We'll send him crappy fanfics The worst we can find (lalala) He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala) (Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.) Now keep in mind Joel can't control When the fanfics begin or end (lalala) Because he used those special parts To make his robot friends; ROBOT ROLL CALL: CAMBOT: 'Text only'? Gypsy: 'Oh, my!' Tom Servo: 'Sweet-o!' CROOOOOOOW!!! 'I'm not a hentai!' If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes And other science facts (lalala) Then repeat to yourself *It's just a MiST* You should really just relax for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!! * * * THE SATELLITE OF LOVE THEATER Crow: Come on, guys! Shake a leg! (Joel emerges from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms while Gypsy enters the theater from the left and rests her body on the back of a chair to Crow's left.) Joel: Hold your horses, we're coming! Gypsy: Has the show started yet? Crow: Nope, you're just in time, Gyps! (Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed Tom down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.) Tom: Tell me again why you dragged me away from my underwear collection to come in here? Crow: Huh? Why? I already told you the reason! (Tom tilts his head in your direction a few times.) Crow: Oh...OH! Yeah! I guess I should explain it again just in case you didn't understand me the first time! *ahem* I called you all in here to check out the script for my new horror movie trailer! Joel: You wrote a horror film trailer, Crow? Crow: Yep! And with any luck, some producer with deep pockets is going to hitch his engine to it and make me one rich robot! Tom: Uh-huh. And are the words 'Vs. Soup' in the title? Crow: Geez, you're NEVER going to let that go, are you?! No, this is a film about something far more frightening. If all goes well, this film may very well make people forget that 'Blair Witch' thingy completely! So prepare yourself and behold the unholy terror of....'MONEY'! Joel, Tom and Gypsy: Money? Crow: And remember, no riffing on my trailer! You promised! *** Caption: "A CROW T. ROBOT PRODUCTION" Caption: YOU USE IT EVERY DAY.... (Shot of a nerdy looking guy looking down at the counter as he counts small stacks of money behind a teller's counter.) Caption: YOU NEED IT TO SURVIVE.... (The guy finishes counting the money and quickly, professionally, wraps rubber bands around the individual stacks and places them neatly in the drawer.) Caption: IT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND.... (The camera slowly zooms away from the piles of money.) Caption: BUT NOW.... (The camera abruptly stops) Caption: IT'S FINALLY SICK OF YOU PEOPLE.... (The stacks of money suddenly burst forth from their rubber bands and charge towards the camera, shattering the lens.) Caption: THIS HALLOWEEN..... (Shot of a guy opening a jar of pennies and gagging as the pennies shoot up out of the jar and into the guy's mouth, suffocating him.) Caption: DON'T OPEN YOUR WALLET.... (Shot of a girl screaming as a bunch of 5 dollar bills leap out from her wallet and cling onto her face and hair.) Caption: DON'T DO YOUR TAXES.... (Shot of a guy walking into an H & R Block and looking shocked as the building is filled with dead bodies, bleeding from multiple papercuts.) Caption: AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.... (Shot of a woman looking up as a massive shadow looms over her.) Caption: DON'T CASH IN ANY CHECKS AT THE BANK! (An enormous monster, made entirely of coins and bills, leans in close to the woman from the previous shot and roars with the force and volume of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.) Caption: "MONEY" It's the root of all evil. (Shot of a beggar on the street.) Beggar: Could someone please give me some change? (A huge pile of quarters drop from above, crashing down upon and burying the beggar up to his neck.) Beggar: T-Thank you. Caption: Crow T. Robot's "MONEY" Starring BEN FRANKLIN ALEXANDER HAMILTON GEORGE WASHINGTON ABRAHAM LINCOLN And LEONARD NIMOY as the Canadian Five Dollar Bill. Producer Executive Producer TBA See: 'Producer' Cinematography Screenplay By By Scrooge McDuck Crow T. Robot Copyright 1999, All Rights Reserved. *** Crow: So, guys? What'd think? Is it the next 'Friday the 13th' or what? (Tom, Joel and Gypsy look at each other.) All (except Crow): BWAAAAAAAAHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! (Crow can only stare at his friends as they collapse into peals of laughter. Joel actually falls off his chair from his mirth.) Crow: Hey, you're laughing! It was supposed to scare you! Gypsy: O-Oh yeah, Crow, I was really terrified. Tom: Y-yeah, I c-can't think of anything more terrifying than the attack of the killer DOLLARS! HAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Crow: You....you guys wouldn't know horror if it jumped up your butts! Joel: Okay, okay, Crow, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at your work. It may not be scary, but it works great as a parody of those types of movies. Crow: R-really? You really think so! Gypsy: Are you kidding! It was a laugh riot! Tom: Yeah! You could be the third Zucker Brother! Though I guess that'd make them the Zucker Triplets....not really a show business name. Joel: Tom! Nice job, Crow. Crow: Gee, thanks, Joel! Thanks, guys! (Suddenly the Theater's P.A. crackled to life) Theater P.A: THIS IS SIMON. REPORTING THE TRANSMISSION OF A DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER AND T.V'S FRANK. YOUR PRESENCE IS EXPECTED. Joel: Wellllll, time to see what Ash and Pikachu have in store for us this week. Let's go, Crow. Gypsy: Can I watch the trailer again, Crow? Crow: Huh? Oh sure! But isn't it dangerous to keep Simon on-line for too long? Gypsy: No problem. I've got him on a special timer. If he doesn't shut down after an hour, his program is instantly deleted. Joel: Isn't that a little harsh? Gypsy: Tough love, Joel. Tough love. (Joel shrugs and follows Crow out of the theater....) * * * DEEP 13 "Well, well, if it isn't Sharon, Lois and Brahm. Let's cut to the chase, shall we?" Dr. Clayton Forrester smirked at the viewscreen while T.V's Frank strolled in to stand beside him, snacking hungrily on what appeared to be a lemon snow cone. "You may remember from our last experiment that we had some....technical difficulties with our homemade icebergs and thanks to that little IDIOT, Sasuke, we ended up with more ice and snow than we knew what to do with!!" Dr. Forrester snarled angrily. "So....rather than wait for all the ice to melt and DROWN that little pip-squeak, we decided to recycle it into....CRUSHED SNOW CONES OF DOOM!!!" Dr. Forrester proclaimed triumphantly. "It comes in many fabulous flavors, including Hawaiian Tropic Hydrochloric Acid....Pineapple Strawberry Banana Strychnine Blend....Tutti Frutti Eboa Surprise....and of course....everyone's favorite, Yellow....Snow...." Frank abruptly stopped eating his ice cone and put a hand to his mouth before rushing off-screen. The sounds of Frank ralphing in the background did nothing to diminish Dr. Forrester's grin. "What do you think, Smoel?" * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Huh? Oh yeah, you're just too evil for the room, Dr. F.," Joel replied as Cambot pulled back to show him putting on what appeared to be a pair of snowpants. "Well, sirs, my invention this week is for people who feel they have to constantly buy the latest fashion in pants, skirts, shorts and anything else that makes their lower body more enticing. "So I invented these, I call them 'Hot Pants' cause all you have to do is light them up like this...." Joel pulled a matchbook from his pocket and struck a match. "Oh yeah, these pants shouldn't be worn by anyone under eighteen by the way...." Joel added before touching the match to his pants. Immediately, they caught fire and traveled up Joel's legs only to stop at his beltline. "As you can see, the belt for these pants prevents the fire from going any higher than your waist and special padding inside prevents your lower body from getting burnt or sweaty. When you wear 'Hot Pants', it's almost impossible NOT to be noticed for your fashion sense! And if you like jogging late at night, these pants will let cars and bikes see you coming from five hundred yards away. What'd think, sirs?" * * * DEEP 13 "I think I'll pray for everyone at a party YOU get drunk at," Dr. Forrester replied sardonically. "Anyway, it's that time again, Joel. Your experiment this week is a case study on what happens when a fanfic writer thinks he's the next Stephen King and decides to drastically alter the character of one Ranma Saotome and stick him in a bad fanfic with the cast of 'The Hellcats,'" Dr. Forrester held the fanfic up to the viewscreen. "I bid you pain, Joel, with 'Ranma Kills!' by Sir Asayogure. Send them the fanfic, Frank..." Frank walked back over to the console, his face an unhealthy shade of green and looking ready to lose it again at any moment as he fed the fanfic into the console. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Crow was busy putting out Joel's pants with a fire extinguisher when alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed. "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out, as he struggled to remove the 'Hot Pants' and rush into the theater. (Door 6: It slides open on both sides..) (Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..) (Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.) (Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.) (Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.) Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >[FFML] [Ranma 1/2][RAGE FIC/dark][C&C][draft] >From: Rnmalvsakn@aol.com >Message-ID: <496fc4fd.3598d66f@aol.com> >Date: Tue, 30 Jun 1998 08:13:33 EDT >Ranma Kills!_________________________________________________ Tom: ....his entire character. Joel: Yes, available now from the makers of such wonderful exploitation films as 'Human Guinea Pigs' and 'When Nature Attacks', comes 'Ranma Kills!' Crow: Must be a reader's participation thing. Fill in the blank of the person YOU'D like to see Ranma kill the most! >Authors pre-note: Joel: Wait! They're not ready yet! Give me a couple more minutes will ya?! >First of all I apologize for any spelling grammar errors as well as any >formatting errors, Crow: ....such as the ones seen above and the ones sure to follow. >if you are on AOL you will probably have to DL this thing >*shrugs* that's AOL for ya Tom: Yeah, when will AOL learn that people want their stories magically sent to them without having to lift a finger. I mean, really, get with it! >This takes place in a series of mine, Tom: .....numbing stories that'll you head spin off your shoulders, through the roof and into a low earth orbit. Crow: And no, you can't borrow it! It's MINE! MINE! MINE! Joel: This little series of mine....I'm gonna let it shine.... >this will be in part two of my as yet unnamed WAFF fic. series, Crow: Whatever. Tom: Warm and Fuzzy Fanfic? Heyyyy, did we accidentally get beamed over to the Satellite of Hate or what? Joel: Maybe it's a Care Bears Crossover with Pokemon and Furbies? Crow: Don't go there, Joel.... >since I know the WAFF thing kinda get's overbearing I had planned this >scene from the beginning. Joel: Aha! You had this all planned out from the beginning, didn't you?! Didn't you?! >As sort of a mushy relief/emotional outburst, this fic. Joel: ....could make Richard Simmons weep. Tom: Ooh, *there's* an accomplishment. >can stand on it's own though you do not have to read the previous parts. Crow: Yeah, but without the crutches, the fic's pretty much screwed. >WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!!!!!!! Tom: DANGER, JOEL ROBINSON! SUCKINESS OF FANFIC ALREADY APPROACHING CRITICAL LEVELS! WARNING!!!! Joel: Well, that's it. We were warned, guys. Crow: These stupid disclaimers have worn out their welcome.... >EXTREME VIOLENCE!!!!! Crow: Yeah, this fic does kinda make me want to hurt somebody.... >What follows contains adult language and situations it is no where near a >Lemon since as for right now I refuse to write one, Joel: Thank goodness for small favors. Tom: Again, may I offer my most sincere and humble apologies for the numerous grammar errors in the above sentence. I am filled with the utmost shame. >it contains scenes of VERY graphic violence and descriptions of a graphic >nature.... Joel: Show *and* Tell! Cool! Tom: Not as VERY graphic as the violence, mind you, but pretty darn graphic all the same! Crow: So this fanfic has actual pictures to go along with the text? >young readers ABSOLUTLY SHOULD NOT read this! Tom: But feel free to go on a murderous CAPS LOCK spree anytime! Crow: Take away the word 'young' and you have my feelings.... >This fanfic deals with what is to me, the single most disgusting thing any >man could ever do to a woman, Joel: Force her to watch an all night Stooge-A-Thon? Tom: Introduce her to the joys of blood soaked, bare breasted, gun toting, low budget, T&A action movies? >Rape. Joel: Oh. Crow: So this fic stars Sailor Venus then? >It also deals with the raw emotions that I hope would surge through the >minds of any human being if exposed to this, Crow: Emotional SURRRRRRRRRRGE!!! Tom: Yeah, fanfics like this tend to have that kind of effect on people. >and how Ranma deals with that. Joel: .....you don't wanna know. >Consider yourself warned. Crow: What? No WARNING! WARNING! WARNING?!? >C&C is not only needed but begged for! Tom: No, it hasn't. When I read an actual description of you begging on your hands and knees, pleading for us to give you our comments and criticism.... Joel: But then it'd be a self-insertion fic. Is that what you really want? Tom: Ick! Never thought about that! Never mind! >I need to know if I should tone this down a little since it will be going into >my WAFF series, or if it is fine as is, Tom: Uh....are those my only two choices? Crow: Nah, with a name like 'Ranma Kills!' how violent could it be? >also any help with spelling and grammar would be appreciated, All: We second that! >I have spell check but the dang things are not all that bright I tells ya! Joel: Cool, we're MSTing a fic by Popeye! >Flames will be printed out and fed to the fireplace monster ^_^ Crow: Just feed him this fanfic, that should finish him off. Joel: Come on, Crow, let's give it a fair chance. >_____________________________________________________________ Tom: There goes the last line of defense. We're on our own now. >*start* Crow: .....screaming. Tom: Surrounded by stars....must be an upstart. Joel: Nice of him to tell us that this was the beginning of the fic. Tom: Yeah, we'd certainly never have figured that out on our own. >Walking home after his second successful date with Akane, Crow: Whew! We nearly used up the 30 minute time limit that time! I don't think I could afford to pay the love hotel's hourly rate.... >Ranma was in a cloud of euphoria all to himself. Tom: Was it good for her? Who cares! It was good for ME! Crow: Sadly, it was only a matter of seconds before the cloud grew dark and burst forth rain that triggered Ranma's gender change. >She had , had to go back to the school to pick up some books she had >forgotten, so he had headed home to wait for her. Joel: He HAD to, man! He just plain HAD to! Tom: Little did Ranma know that Akane HAD simply made up that excuse because she HAD to secretly meet her other lover in another hotel. Though deep down she loved Ranma, there was no buts about it. She simply HAD to have them both! Crow: You don't mean....! Tom: Yep, Ranma's been HAD. Crow: D'oh! >Sauntering down the way, he was casually walking Joel: As well as strolling along, stepping lightly, moving steadily, you know, locomotion and stuff? >across fence tops mere inches wide. Tom: And the height could be measured in centimeters! >The day was just turning to night Joel: That's it. I'm outta here. I ain't sticking around for this.... Crow: This fic was shot day for night then? >with the sun sinking low in the west. Tom: ....thus setting Hollywood ablaze and frying all its inhabitants to a crisp. Joel: Burn, Hollywood, BURN! >Ranma decided to take a detour from his usual route and to walk through the >park Crow: Ordering the hintbook as Ranma was too lazy to figure out how to get through the park maze by himself. >and breathe in the sweet Sakura scent Crow: Ah....Ah....ACHOO! Damn allergies! >and see the promise of the beautiful sunset. Tom: Isn't this a little OOC for Ranma? Crow: Well, maybe his *date* with Akane has put him in a more receptive mood, if ya know what I mean..... >Casually leaping over to the opposite side of the water duct over water that >had to be 30 feet apart Tom: 30 feet apart? What, did Moses pass through this duct recently or something? Joel: H-Hey! Hurry up and finish your damn description so I can land already! I can't hover in mid-air forever, ya know!?! >he landed on the opposite sides fence top. Crow: Thanks, but now I have no idea where I am! >And headed in a westerly direction. Joel: Damn compass needle...IT WON'T STAY STILL!!! >Ranma could barely feel his feet hitting the fence top he felt as light as >a feather. Tom: It wasn't until he looked down and noticed the fence a quarter mile below him that he began to panic.... >Finally reaching his turning point Tom: This fic could use one of those about now.... Crow: Time to start insulting my fanbase and wrap steel chairs around my best friend's heads! >He jumped to the nearest roof top in this way avoiding all Nerima traffic and the >associated stress that went with it. Joel: ....only to have the front wheel of Shampoo's bike flatten his nose as she dropped from the sky with a cheery 'Nihao!' Crow: Nerima has traffic? I've read all thirty-eight volumes and you see motorized vehicles something like twice. >He was not however bounding from roof top to roof top but simply walking >across them admiring the world and using all of his senses to their fullest. Crow: *THRILL* as Ranma WALKS around Nerima! Tom: INTENSE....STEPPING....ACTION! >Smelling the crisp late summer breeze Joel: .....Ranma gagged as the scent of a recently deceased skunk made its presence known. >and hearing the birds beautiful songs Crow and Tom: Haven't you heard about us? Don't you know that we're the word? >and seeing the world through the eyes of a man in love. Joel: You know, it may be slightly OOC, but this is kinda nice. Crow: Yeah, it's giving me a warm and fuzzy....uh oh.... Tom: Yep, ladies and gentlemen, we've struck WAFF! >Jumping down off the last roof-top Ranma hit the ground walking Joel: I'm walking....Yes, indeed....I'm walking.... Crow: Enough already, Ranma! We believe you're a man! You don't need to walk like one all the time! Tom: Anybody got any broken glass? >and continued to his favorite secluded part of the park an area very beautiful >and not very well known. Crow: That would explain how it's stayed very beautiful, at least. Joel: Is it just me or does EVERYBODY seem to have a place that's really beautiful but somehow nobody's ever stumbled across it? Tom: Well, beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, Joel.... >Almost there, he slowed down a little as something in the air >just felt, well wrong. Tom: It must be wrong if he's finally stopped walking. Crow: All right, who's the wiseguy that replaced the oxygen in this park with *helium*?!? >He could sense a fear, no not fear, terror someone nearby feared for their life! Joel: But isn't terror, technically, a form of fear? Crow: Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick.... >At least he thought so.....he heard no noise and saw nothing. Tom: Must be all in his head then. >To get a better look he jumped into the nearest tree All: Watch out for that....!!! Joel: AAAAAAHAAAHAA....*CRASH!* Ooooooh! All: .....treeeee!!! >and looked around, unconsciously heading to the same secluded area he >had been heading towards. Crow: Does that mean he's walking again? Ah, geez.... Tom: How does someone do something unconsciously, anyway? I mean, I've heard of sleepwalking but come on! >Everything seemed okay except for one detail, Joel: The sky had turned a blood red color and a gigantic gash had been ripped open along it, spewing forth unholy demons of hell.... Crow: Ah, why sweat the small details? >the birds were getting quieter the closer he came to his secret spot. Tom: Suddenly we're reading a Alfred Hitchcock script. >Almost to the rise of the hill that sheltered the area he slowed his progress, Joel: So he's just shuffling at this point? Tiptoeing, maybe? Crow: Maybe Ranma's ventured into Silent Hill? Tom: Great. And me without a Duel Shock Controller.... >quite annoyed that his good mood had left him so quickly to be replaced with >this feeling of dread and terror that something was telegraphing into him like >live electricity. Joel: Geez, did somebody strap Ranma into an electric chair or what? Crow: I thought it was someone else that had the feeling of dread and terror? Tom: I think we've all reached that point by now. >Unnoticed Ranma's fists started to clench and unclench on their own. Tom: Suddenly, they began pummeling Ranma with his own Chestnut Fist Technique! Ranma had no choice but to saw them off with a chainsaw and replace them with a spatula and a wooden bokken.... Joel: Come get some. >Reaching the crest of the rise still in the dense treetops Ranma's breath >caught in his throat. Crow: Unable to receive precious oxygen or release the carbon dioxide that continued to expel from his lungs, Ranma quickly died of asphyxiation. >There in the small clearing where the definition of what sprang to mind >when one thought of gutter trash of the dregs of society. Tom: A live taping of the Jerry Springer show? > Five of them, huge disgusting creatures, one could not really call them men >simply because to be called one, one must at least resemble one. Joel: Desperate to reclaim their former glory, The New Kids on the Block prepared to take Japan by storm.... Tom: Y'know, Joel, somehow I get the hint that whoever these guys are, the author doesn't want us to like them. >It must have been 90 degrees outside and Ranma was sweating in his light >weight Chinese silk shirt and the two layers of pants he wore of one water >proof the other light cotton. Crow: Mr. Saotome's wardrobe provided by Frederick's of China. Tom: And while this information does absolutely NOTHING to give you more information on the five creatures, I feel better knowing that you know what Ranma was wearing in this fanfic. >These creeps, they had to be in a gang, Joel: After all, what are the odds that five huge disgusting creatures would just HAPPEN to meet each other on the same night? Crow: Hey, I've heard those FCC guys do EVERYTHING together! >were all dressed in heavy denim pants and sporting black leather boots >as well as heavy leather jackets to go with the boots. Underneath their jackets >they all had on to various degrees of filth a torn or tattered white shirt. All of >them had unshaven faces and their greasy unwashed hair clung to the backs >on their necks. Tom: You know what the author is doing here? He's telling us that it's OKAY to hate these guys. Joel: I think it's more like he's telling us 'You MUST hate these guys!' I guess he expects us to cheer when Ranma uses his super-martial arts to rip their heads off. Crow: Yes, today's thugs, crooks and bandits wouldn't be caught DEAD in anything less than the finest leather garments, skinned from bad-ass cows and sewn lovingly into clothes with STYLE *and* ATTITUDE.... >All of these observations flew through Ranma's mind in half a second as his >mind assessed them. Joel: Um, shouldn't Ranma be more concerned with their fighting abilities than their appearance? I mean, it's not like the leather jackets and boots are going to fly off the gang and attack Ranma separately like a bunch of Pokemon.... Tom: Heavy Denim Pants! I choose you! >While they looked unskilled at any fighting art, most of them overweight or >not carrying themselves with any poise or grace they were heavily armed with >clubs and chains and other assorted weapons Crow: Wait! I've got it! It's the biker gang from Road Rash! >and their ring leader had what looked like a katana strapped to his back, Tom: Blade's here? Shouldn't he be hunting vampires? >they must be Mafia he thought to himself. Joel: Or vampires.... Crow: Wouldn't they be Yakuza? I mean, this is Japan, right? >Again these observations were flying through his head in mere split seconds. Tom: Hey, why not? They're plenty of room in there! Crow: Split seconds? Is this the same Ranma from 'Stellarcraft'? >They were all crowded around something and he couldn't quite make it out. Tom: ....a bar? Crow: ....big screen TV? Joel: ....bathroom? >Their smell was wafting up through the tree tops and Ranma was about to leave >for somewhere more pleasant ..." Crow: Yes, it's Smell's Angels! >They must have been the source of that feeling I got earlier.." he said to himself >unconvinced. Joel: If he can't convince himself, who can? >Turning to leave Ranma heard something, sort of a whimper. Joel: (author) What have I done? *whimper* What have I created? >Turning back he saw one of the guys bend down and raise his right arms, Joel: I pledge allegiances to the flags.... Tom: Evidently, this gang likes to hang around Nuclear Reactors as well. >fist clenched and then he slammed it into something, Crow: Uh oh, you don't think he.... Joel: No, Crow. >it had to have been something soft for Ranma heard no noise, only a low groan. Crow: Are you sure, Joel? Joel: Get your mind out of the gutter. >Curious now he turned back and was about to call out to them when his heart stopped. Tom: Ack! Damn....cheap....mail-order....pacemaker.....ugh. Joel: Geez, first his breath catches in his throat and now this. Does this author hate Ranma or something? >One of the gang members moved and the ring leader spoke. Crow: Hi, I'm Wally! You're in big trouble now, by golly! Joel: Cute, Crow. >"Are ya gonna give it up easy bitch or do we hafta do this the hard way?" >he sneered. Tom: Why are you even asking me? My powers are useless and my will to fight has been totally sapped! Geez, is this your first role in a lemon or what?!? Joel: B-but this isn't a lemon! Tom: Really?!? Well, in that case....VENUS POWER MAKE UP! VENUS CRESCENT BEAM! VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN! DIE DIE DIE!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! >Ranma's mind froze. All: Crow: ARRRRRGH!! ATE....ICE....CREAM.....TOO....FAST.... Tom: What's next? Ranma's spleen explodes?!? >There lying on the ground was a girl, couldn't have been more than 16-17. Crow: ....body piercings. Joel: Unfortunately, it took Ranma several years to process this information due to the aforementioned brain freeze. >As Ranma watched horrified, the man reached down and tried to >slip down the girls skirt, Tom: What is he think she is? A water slide? Crow: COWABUNGAAAAA!!! >dazedly she struggled with him still. "oooh look guys we have a tough one today!" Joel: Break out the monosodium glutamate! >He spat and reached into his pocket and pulled out an object... Crow: I hope it's a hanky to wipe the saliva on his chin. >a knife! "She won't be so tough once I cut off one of her ears. Tom: Hey, it worked on Van Gogh. Crow: Oh no! He's gonna give her the 'Mick Foley!' >Ranma's world froze. Joel: Oh good, now Ranma's brain won't feel so self-conscious. >Sound slowly filtered out as blood rushed to his head. Tom: So his ears filled up with blood? Ewww.... >His breath caught in his throat Crow: Again?!? Joel: Breathsavers may be a good investment at this point. >and a burning sensation started to flame in his chest and was rapidly >spreading through out his body Tom: When heartburn goes terribly wrong. Crow: Gee, I wonder if Akane's curry has something to do with it? >He was so horrified he couldn't move. Joel: Well, duh! His breath's caught in his throat, his heart stopped, his mind and world froze and his body caught on fire, what did you expect?!? Crow: Is it just me or is this Ranma kind of a wuss? >Everything went in slow motion next, Tom: Should the author save that technique for when Ranma does a spectacular stunt or delivers a particularity brutal blow to his opponents? Joel: Nah, it just doesn't work that well with text. Crow: This fic is rrrrrrrrreally.....rrrrrrrrrreally.... sssssssssssssssssloooooooow.... >the man raised his hand, Joel: Will this be on the test? >the knife glinting in the sun as his cohorts cheered him on, All: Yay.... >grasping the almost unconscious girl's hair with his free hand he turned >her head to cut her, bringing his arm down he moved to strike. Tom: Woah! Wait a minute! Which hand from which arm did what? Crow: Cut her, Mick! You gotta cut her, Mick! >Ranma had never moved so fast in his entire life, Joel: Shampoo-Neko picked the worst possible time to show up.... Tom: Fortunately, with the fic still in slow-motion, Ranma had plenty of time to get there before it was too late. Crow: All this scene needs now is the Blue Danube.. >barely registering the strange noise screaming in the background Tom: SAOOOOTOOOOMEEEE!!! GGGGGIVE MEEEE THEEEE PIGGGGG TAILEDDDD GIRLLLL ORRRR IIIII WILLLL SMITEEEE THEEEEE!!! >he leapt into the middle of them. Crow: *snap* Joel: ....accidentally landing on the girl's back and breaking her spine. Tom: Aw, nuts. >The man's arms was stopped short held painfully tight in Ranma's grasp. Joel: I learned that move from Frank Costanza! >The rest of the gang members had been knocked backwards as he leapt past >them, they lie stunned on the ground. Crow: That's what the gang leader gets for hiring the Neptune Men. Tom: Oh man, did you get a whiff of that guy?!? >Suddenly Ranma's world focused again, Tom: Great! So from this point on, the rest of this fic should be totally IC and canon, right? Joel: Hey, there's always hope, right? >he realized that that strange screaming noise had been himself , Crow: Ranma should lay off the Pee Wee's Playhouse reruns. >what had started out as the word No! Tom: That's not what I meant to write! Wait! Give me another chance! >Hard sort of lapsed into a primal sound like death itself. Joel: Wha....? Tom: You know, these analogies would be a lot more entertaining if the author had the slightest idea of what he was talking about. >He quickly shut up. Crow: Uh, sorry, I just realized that last sentence made, umm, no sense whatsoever. T-tell you what, I'll just....heh....write the fic, okay? >Ranma was, furious! Tom: That's right! If one more thing goes wrong with my body, I'm going to start kicking some butt! >Shaking with rage a new color of battle aura was forming around him, Joel: It was a nice shade of puce. Crow: Remember, it's not the size of the ki-blast, it's the color that makes the difference. >black as ebony it shut out light, and on it's rippling edges a crimson red >like blood was flicking wildly about like flames from a fire. Crow: Wow, this fic must have quite a budget for special effects like that. Tom: Yeah, 'Ranma Kills' is the 'Waterworld' of fanfiction. >Ranma was livid! All: Joel: I'm sensing some hostility from you, Ranma.... >Again this had all happened in a matter of seconds. Tom: So, what are we? 8-10 seconds into the fanfic now? >The would be attacker just stared stupidly at Ranma, Crow: He would be an attacker if he wasn't so dense. Tom: Duh.....tell me about the rabbits, Ranma? >the boy looked angry , Joel: The boy is dangerous....They can all sense it, why can't you? >not that he really cared he would kill this arrogant little punk in a minute. Crow: So I guess that means I've got about 40 seconds left of staring stupidly at him. Dum de dum dum.... >The boy was just staring at him grasping his knife hand tightly, Tom: Knife hand? Ranma doesn't use a knife that often, does he? And why is he gripping his own hand? Joel: I think he means the attacker. The fic changed perspectives abruptly. >so shrugging mentally Crow: Wow, his brain is so flexible! >he reached onto his back with his free hand unsheathing his razor >edged katana Tom: I'll bet he shaves with it too. Crow: Mach 3? Not for me! Joel: Wow, his wrist must be really LONG for him to reach behind his back while Ranma's still restraining his ARMS.... Tom: Maybe the gang leader's related to Reed Richards? >and in a fluid motion he brought what he thought would be a death blow >to the boys neck. Joel: Death from a hickey. What a way to go. >Ranma saw the movement, All: Viva la Revolution! >but his mind was still locked in his rage, Tom: For some reason I'm getting the feeling the author is confusing Ranma with Ryouga.... >he could feel the hatred and passion Tom: Passion?!? Crow: Yes, first I'll kill him then I'll make him my own! >and need to kill this piece of shit burning within him. Joel: Try stewed prunes. That always works for me. >As the katana bore down something long repressed in the expert fighter >shut down Crow: I think Ranma's long overdue for his yearly physical. Tom: Okay, what is it!?! My lungs?!? My liver? My butt? What's gone wrong with me now?!? >.......his reluctance to kill. Crow: Oh, now it's my characterization, huh? Well, that's just PEACHY.... Tom: Urge to kill....rising. >Ranma screamed. Joel: Let the blood sports begin. >He had caught the blade in his free hand. The edge had cut into his >palm and cleaved right into the bone. Tom: It's in the bone! IT'S IN THE BONE!!! >Furious his aura flared and he squeezed! Crow: .....the sharmin? Joel: Behold! A secret technique of the Amazons, passed down from generation to generation of amazonian warriors and recently taught to me by a master of the technique, Shampoo! Take this....GENOCIDE GLOMP!!! Tom: Wow! To think I've lived long enough to see that technique! >The blade snapped in two, both edges where broken had traces of blood on them, Crow: So this lousy fanfic ruins a perfectly good katana. Tom: We've got a bleeder here! >the other hand squeezed too Joel: GENOCIDE GLOMP!!! Tom: Man, all this squeezing, no wonder it's labeled a WAFF fic.... >and Ranma not only broke the mans wrist but crushed the bone into >almost a powder, Joel: Just keep that powder away from the author....he's had enough. >that sort of injury was very hard to fix. Crow: So remember, kids! Even though it may look like loads of fun and impress the hell out of your friends, crushing wrist bones into powder is *NOT COOL*! So don't do it! Oh yeah, and stay in school, don't use drugs, etc, etc.... >Whimpering the man fell down. Tom: Oh no! My wrist has been injured in such a way that it will take a very fine doctor indeed to repair the extensive damage that has been inflicted upon my person! >Ranma was about to finish him off when he sensed danger from behind. Tom: Oh no! It's that Aztec guy! He finally tracked me down! Keep that belt away from me! Joel: Finish him off? His wrist is a pile of powdered bone! Crow: Well it does seem silly to leave the other one untouched. Otherwise it ruins the matching set. >Twirling on his heel he managed to duck just as a heavy length of chain >whistled where his head would have been. All: >A blow that would have seriously wounded him or killed him. Tom: Gee, you think? Crow: And here I thought it would just give him a love tap. Joel: It's rare to see a fanfic that goes into detail about the consequences of inflicting injury *during* the actual fight scene. Crow: Hey, yo! That last punch that Clubber Lang threw at me didn't connect, but *if* it had, my teeth would be in my throat right now! >Rage possessed Ranma now. Tom: Yes, that's been ESTABLISHED! Crow: But despite all his rage, Ranma was still just a rat in a cage. >It owned him. Joel: All right! I got male-type Ranma! Now all I need is female-type Herb and the Dojo Master to complete my collection! Tom: Gotta Gotta Gotta catch em all.... >Giving his body in to the malicious impulses surging through him Tom: Here's my body, malicious impulses. Do what you will to it. Crow: Soon Ranma began fantasizing shamelessly about Kasumi in a sheer negligee, a most sexy and shy smile on her face as she slowly walked towards him, a cure for his curse in one hand and a champagne glass filled with ram chips in the other.... Joel: Crow! Snap out of it! Those are *lecherous* impulses! And they're *yours* to boot! Crow: Oh! Right! Sorry about that! >he began to fight. Joel: Oh, thank goodness, I thought he was going to start walking again.... Tom: Uh-oh.....Aw, SHOOT! Crow: What? Joel: What's wrong, Tom? Tom: The Daylight Savings Time function on my internal chronometer is off today by a few minutes.... Crow: Meaning....? Tom: Meaning, we've got about 5 seconds before we're supposed to come BACK into the theater after a break! Joel: Five seconds!? That won't even give us enough time to.... TO BE CONTINUED IN 'RANMA KILLS!' PT. 2.... *TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE) EPISODE 23: RANMA KILLS! PT. 2 (A Ranma 1/2 MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... "Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of her work. "Ranma Kills!" is the property of Sir Asayogure and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;) Warning: This fic contains scenes of extreme violence. * * * (Door 6: It slides open on both sides..) (Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..) (Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.) (Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.) (Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.) (Joel and the bots remain in their usual seats.) Joel: ....stand up. Crow: Boy, it's good thing I'm a robot or I might have to worry about emptying a bladder that's ready to burst from all the carbonated beverages that's been storing up, the pressure building with every passing minute as I desperately try not to think of waterfalls, water fountains, water spraying from a hose, water dripping slowly from a rusty faucet, each tiny drip causing untold relief and agony.... Joel: Keep it up, Crow, and I'll reprogram you as a toaster. Crow: Ack! Not the pop tarts through the butt again! Okay, I take it back! Tom: We interrupt this battle of wits to return you to our regularly scheduled MSTing.... >he began to fight. Tom: Ironically, he used Kung-Fu, the cats had Ranma running fast as lightning, it was very frightening and yet he *still* fought with expert timing! >Twisting to the other direction split seconds after his first dodge he Crow: ....heard a loud cracking sound and felt a sharp pain in his neck before losing consciousness. Joel: Gee, that's a shame. >avoided the baseball bat that the other man had swung. The two of the >punks looked stung, Crow: Then they rolled around in cow dung! Woo hoo! >not really expecting the young looking boy to do such a thing. Joel: M-m-my g-god....he actually *AVOIDED* my baseball bat! Crow: And he's so young too! How DOES he do it!?!? >The man with the chain rushed at Ranma swinging it above his head. >A stupid thing to do really. Tom: Hey, it's not half as stupid as throwing an empty beer keg on a campfire.... >Ranma side stepped and as he wrenched the chain out of the clumsy >mans hand, Joel: Duh, whoops! Chain go bye-bye! Aheheheheh..... >he also landed a viscous crescent kick placed just below the mans hip >bone, breaking that joint and effectively crippling the man, Joel: Yeah! Way to stick it to the MAN, Ranma! Tom: Um....he landed *what* kind of kick? Crow: Er....viscous. Let's see....(pulls out dictionary) Glutinous, sticky; semifulid; not flowing freely. Tom: Oh, that clears it RIGHT up. Joel: 10-W-40 kick!! >to his credit he stayed standing. Tom: Must be double jointed. Joel: Or he's waiting for an ovation. Crow: He's in for a long wait. >He then smirked as he pulled out a small hand gun and casually aimed it >at the boy. Tom: Sayyyyyy, is that really a gun? Wow! Those things are practically non-existent in Japan! Where did you get it? >Ranma smirked too and his aura flared, he could sense the other idiot >creeping up behind him. Crow: So this gang has two of them? Tom: Quiet feet....sneaky feet....ninja feet.... >At the last possible second Crow: ....the fates grabbed hold of Ranma and prevented him from doing anything to avoid a grisly death just to prove that the sometimes the last possible second *IS* the last possible second. >Ranma ducked as the now chainless man pulled the trigger. Tom: He is utterly without chain. He is the chainless man. Joel: But really, aren't we all? >The bullet whizzed past where his head had been and impacted in the >throat of the man who had been trying to sneak up on Ranma. Crow: A stupid thing to do really. >That man gurgled something unintelligible on his way to the ground, but >Ranma was already ignored him. Tom: Save the unintelligible gurgles for the next world, ya scum! >Using his training with ribbons he applied the technique to the chain. Crow: Let's see....make a loop here....tie a few knots there....man, I never thought I'd actually be grateful to Kodachi for all those times she tied me up and forced me to.... Joel: Crow! >As the man with the gun stood there dumbfounded ready to take another >shot, Ranma flicked his wrist and sent the chain out, the sharp metal tip >ripping into the mans wrist and almost severing it. Joel: Unfortunately, the man with the *gun* was uninjured and quickly put an end to Ranma's life. >The man screamed! Tom: AHHHHHHHH!!! There goes what's left of my sex life! Joel: Tom.... >His last thought ever on this world was, "Where the hell did my hand go?!" Tom: And what's all this red stuff squirting out of my wrist?! Crow: And so Ranma kills for the first time. Joel: I had to do it! The title of this story beckoned me! >Ranma heard then another scream, most decidedly female. Crow: Ranma! What this Shampoo hear about you and crazy Kunou girl playing with ribbons?!?! Joel: Cute, Crow.... >Turning he saw the coward of a ring leader on his feet and holding the >frightened girl by her neck in his good arm in a choke hold she was >gasping for breath and her face was going all pale like, Tom: Looks like about three sentences had a head-on collision! Joel: Shhh! Don't mention head-on collisions! KaraOhki might be reading this! (looks at the screen) Get better soon, KaraOhki! >the ring leader was slowly backing up. Joel: ....his hard drive. Crow: He may be a coward but he ain't stupid! >The anger welled up inside of Ranma again, Tom: You mean there was a moment when Ranma *wasn't* angry in this fic? >thinking of all the times Akane had been dragged off by some ogre, >and how terrified the girl must be now. All: Ogre?!? Crow: Where's this fic taking place? Spielburg? Tom: Maybe he means Happosai? >With super human speed Ranma crossed the distances between them. All: I am....I am....I am Superman.... >Grabbing the mans free wrist which was very broken he took that and >the now wrenched free hand that was holding the girl and twisted him >into an over the shoulder throw. The man landed hard as Ranma did not >let go of his wrists when he anded but kept control of the animal/human. Joel: As opposed to a vegetable/human, like the Swamp Thing? >The girl at this point leaning up against a tree fainted dead away. Tom: TIMMMMMMBER! Crow: What the.....ahhhh!?! *CLUNK!* Joel: Poor thing. All the excitement was too much for that old tree. >Ranma bringing his foot up above the mans spine poised for the killing >blow, but hesitated as training refused to let him kill in cold blood, Joel: And exactly which training justified crushing a weaker opponent's wrist into powder? Tom: I guess that means Ranma was actually killing in *hot* blood when he severed that other guy's wrist with the chain. >disgusted he released the now whimpering like a baby punk Joel: And they made YOU the gang's leader? Talk about pathetic! >and turned to the girl to check on her. As soon as he did so he regretted it. Crow: H-hey! What the hell are you doing with that fallen tree?!? Tom: I'm reenacting my favorite scene from 'Superstar'! I *love* the feel of bark against my skin.... >He had completely forgotten about the other two. Suddenly both of his >arms were pinned behind his back one held by one man each. Joel: Poor Ranma. Now he has to decide which one to go steady with. Tom: I cannot decide! I would have them both! >"They must have gone for the rest of their gang Ranma thought" Joel: Is it a thought, or did he say it out loud? What's with the quote marks? Crow: I thought the two guys holding him were the ones Ranma had forgotten about? Geez, it's hard to keep track of these guys when the author doesn't bother to name them.... Joel: Yeah, and shouldn't they be all frightened and disorganized now that their *leader* is whimpering like a baby punk? Tom: Guess they're just stupid. >Just as an unseen fist slammed into his kidney from behind. Joel: Wow, they must be pretty skilled to be able to hit such a precise location. Tom: Million to one shot, doc, million to one! >His eyes watered and he gasped that had hurt! Crow: I was enraged! You guys have paid for this! >Looking up he saw 4 of them, 6 in all counting the two pinning his arms down. Tom: Moron! Dork! Schmuck! Imbecile! Dummy! And their whimpering leader, Little Putz! Together, they are 'THE STUPID SIX'! >The man directly in front of Ranma pulled his leg back as if to kick, >and Ranma knew where that kick was headed. Tom: But suddenly, the man began twisting it around in the air and started dancing. Soon the other gang members followed suit, snapping their fingers while orchestra music blared in the background.... Joel: Yes, it turns out that Ranma had accidentally stumbled upon a dress rehearsal of West Side Story. >Turning at the last possible moment he absorbed most of the blow on his >thigh. The men laughed as he faked moaned. Crow: Isn't that cute? He's trying to protect his groin! >Thinking they had won. He felt the iron grips on his arms release a fraction, >more then he needed, jumping upward with all his strength, Ranma kicked the >one on his left in the throat on his way up, killing him in probably one of >the most painful ways possible, with a crushed windpipe. Joel: And I'd know having your windpipe crushed is painful, by golly, cause that's exactly how *I* was killed! That's right, this fanfic is being written by a GHOST! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Pretty scary, huh? >The other man's arm he had hung onto....literally. Crow: That's good. I'd hate to see Ranma act even more OOC by hanging on to another man figuratively. >The bloody stump was still in his hand and on his way down he could >see the shocked expression on the face of the now one armed man. Joel: Ranma Saotome *IS* Richard Kimble *IN* 'The Fugitive'! Tom: Aw, man....If that other guy with the crushed wrist is any indication, this guy is about to get a lot tougher and stronger! >Using it as a club he hit the man over in the back of his neck, snapping it. Tom: Tag. You're dead. Crow: Oh, what is this? '3:16 RULZS' now? Joel: I'll....ARM....you! >There were now only 4 on their feet and they were all hesitating. Joel: Heh, I'd say 'petrified' would be a better word. Tom: Either that or they're certainly living up to the name we gave them. >Ranma still furious, Tom: He real mad. Beat up gang. Tear off limbs. Beat them more. Crow: Kill the pig. Drink his blood. Joel: Get some help. >had had enough, his rage building his chi up to the critical point.the >black aura that surrounded him suddenly flared as the crimson flames >grew and then focused at where he was holding his hands, which were >cupped and pointing directly at the group. Tom: Hey, Goku! Would you mind speeding it up? We ain't got all day! >Developing a new chi blast and not even knowing it, Joel: Ha! Who needs the old ghoul when I can just lose my temper and learn strange and powerful techniques out of thin air! >all Ranma's mind was aware of was the need to kill. He could sense the >life flowing through them and he despised them for it, they did not deserve >to live, he knew that each and every one of them had raped and killed many >other helpless girls, maybe even in this same clearing. Crow: When did this turn into an episode of Millennium? Tom: They're guilty! I can feel it in my bones! Joel: Maybe Ranma's been possessed by Frank Castle? >His rage dominated him and whispering 3 single words to what ever >gods that may be, Tom: WHAT? SPEAK UP! WE CAN'T HEAR YOU! Crow: END....THIS....FIC. Joel: Nice try, Crow. >Ranma muttered "Burn.in.hell" Tom: Ah, his heart really isn't in it. Crow: Visit Killer Ranma's new website at http://www.burn.in.hell/ >then released his rage! Tom: ....against the dying of the light? Joel: ....against the machine? Crow: Behold the raw power of my ATI Rage 3D Card! >The power and energy that flowed from his hands was incredible. All: That's INCREDIBLE! >The heat from the chit blast was so intense Joel: Who's editing this chit, anyway? >that after it burned away the grass and dirt it melted the very earth >where the men had stood seconds earlier. Incinerated, they simply >vanished, ceased to exist. Tom: (Pulls out thesaurus) Ant., see APPEARED. Crow: Hey, where'd you get the thesaurus? Tom: None of your business. Where'd you get the dictionary earlier to look up 'viscous'? Crow: None of your business. (Both Crow and Tom stare at each other suspiciously for a moment before turning their attention back to the fic.) >The crater that formed from the blast stretched the length of the park >and was at places almost 20 feet deep. Joel: Okay, where did Ranma learn the Full Shishi Hokodan? Tom: That settles it. This author's definitely mistaken Ranma for Ryouga. >Rage still burning in his eyes which were glowing red, quite unknown to him. Crow: His sentence needing a verb. >He turned to the man, the once proud ring leader. Tom: Now crying and whimpering like a pussy. Joel: Oh, good one, Ranma! You've completely shattered his confidence now! >The man was on his feet again, you could tell he was terrified Crow: Oh yeah, big stain on his pants, right there. Tom: Where? Here? Crow: No, over THERE! What, are you blind? Joel: Exactly which perspective are we supposed to be following here? >but was shakily facing Ranma holding a sawed off shot gun held in his >shaking hand. Tom: Here! Take this shot gun and kill the rest of my gang! Just spare my life! Please! Pretty Please?!? >"What..what are you?" The man managed to croak out disbelief evident in his >voice. Joel: I'M MICHAEL KEATON. >"All we were doing was havin a lil fun." Tom: I get the feeling we're not the only one.... >He protested seeming to think that his argument would get elicit >sympathy from Ranma. Crow: ....and providing yet another glaring example of the author's assumption that his readers are morons. Joel: But really, will we ever *truly* know what he was thinking? >Ranma shaking his head and cracking his knuckles simply walked >silently towards the man. Daring him to pull the trigger. Tom: Come on, come on, shoot me already....end this damn thing so I can go home and eat Kasumi's dinner! >The girl was awake now and as her vision cleared she sat up leaning heavily >upon the tree she watched mouth agape as this boy advanced on the now >singular ring leader. Crow: One ring leader to rule them all and in the darkness bind them.... >Emotions swirled within her. Terror was still dominating everything, but >that was quickly being pushed back by the ever growing safety she felt in >this boy's presence. Joel: And with every fresh kill, the girl felt her love grow for this plucky, psychotic stranger.... Crow: I guess....I'll trust....this boy.... >However she wondered how anyone that young could have eyes like that, eyes >that seemed to look through you, Crow: ....eyes that could peer through the flimsy material of her garments, catching a nice eyeful of.... Joel: Crow.... Tom: For some reason, youth is very highly regarded in this fic. >but they weren't directed in her direction he was staring at that....that >thing that had held her down, had breathed rancid breath into her ear >as he pinned her down and tried to force her legs open! Crow: It's slobberin' time! Joel: Man, this fanfic changes perspectives more often than GUB changes E-mail accounts! Tom: So, besides being a whimpering punk with a bad case of the shakes, he's got bad breath too? No wonder he turned to a life of crime. >Her heart almost stopped with revulsion and the terror of the events that had >happened only maybe 2 minutes ago, she had been sure she was going to die. Tom: WHAT?!? You mean we're only 2 minutes into this fanfic?!? NOOOOOOO!!! Joel: But seeing a strange boy brutally murder several gang members with his bare hands helped to put her at ease. >She now watched as the nameless boy slowly advanced on the man, Crow: He traveled through the desert, a wild horse with no name.... >she wondered faintly in a passing thought how he was managing to glow >black, or any color at all for that matter, but dismissed it as a trick of the >sun and her overwhelmed emotions. Tom: That's right, it's all a optical illusion with soap bubbles. Just some passing swap gas, nothing to fret about.... >Fascinated she watched as Ranma walked right up to the man only maybe >10 feet apart Joel: Well, which was it? Right up to him or 10 feet apart? Tom: Anybody else picturing that scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail when Sir Lancelot repeatedly stormed towards the castle gates? Crow: No, but now that you mention it.... >and then gasped as the thing that had hurt her sneered and pulled the trigger. >Ranma took the hit right in the chest! He went down! Tom: Ooooooo-kay....Avoiding a hand gun bullet at point blank range, no problem! Avoiding a shotgun blast from *10 feet*, no chance in hell! Crow: You'll neeeeever walkkkk....aaaaagainnnn! >His last conscious thought as he went down was, "Please no! I need >one more chance I have to save her" ......and somewhere something >heard him. Joel: And the reply from somewhere came, "Sorry! Looks like you're screwed this time, kiddo!" Crow: Hey, I switched the perspective back to you, didn't I? If you can't be grateful for that, I'll switch it back to the girl, SO THERE! >Oh no! Her mind screamed! Get out of here, NOW! Tom: Time for her mind to take a hike. Joel: Hey, give her some credit. So far she's the only one who hasn't done anything STUPID in this fanfic. >Stumbling she tried to get up, she had to get out of there! Crow: I CAN'T TAKE THIS FANFIC ANYMORE! LET ME OUT!! >The man/animal noticed her movements and started towards her, limping >badly but still moving fairly fast. Joel: Why is he limping? Tom: Because his wrist is crushed. Joel: Oh, I can see....huh?!? >She stumbled in her hasty run and tripped! Crow: Oh course she did. The girl ALWAYS trips in these kind of stories. Tom: Damn you, conveniently placed tree root! Damn you to hell! >Only maybe 5 feet away from where she had fallen, they had hit her so >many times when wrestling her to the ground that now she could >barely stand. Joel: Still, she managed to put up a good struggle, pinning four of the thugs for the three count. Crow: Should've used her shoe when she had the chance. >She rolled over and looked up into the face of pure evil possessed of >what can only be called a satanic influence the man leered at her >and made his way slowly to her. Joel: Satanic gang member rapists who shoot martial artists! Next on Springer! Tom: So the face of evil is an unshaven, whimpering punk with rancid breath? Crow: And here I always thought it was Kathy Lee Gifford. >Back in the clearing Ranma lay dead in a pool of his own blood. The air was >silent and no life seemed to move. Crow: Ranma had died. Quit or Retry? Joel: Hope the reader had a game saved recently.... Tom: Or invested in a Game Shark. >Suddenly a small sphere of light grew in the middle of the clearing >straight out of nowhere! Tom: Cue deus ex machina! >The sphere grew to the size of about maybe 6 feet in diameter. Joel: Oh no! It's Foam's big brother and boy is he cheezed! >Then out stepped a being of what could only be described as light. Crow: And yet her mother stubbornly called her by her given name 'Luminance' >It was apparently female. The creatures beauty could not really be >compared to anything on the Earth since it was not really from that >plane of existence. Tom: So I won't bother trying. Just take my word -- it looked really cool. >Stooping down the being pressed her right palm on Ranma's chest and >wherever she rubbed in it's wake left only healed skin! Joel: Hey! It's a strange visitor from the Planet of the Necrophiliacs! >His body healed the being bent her head down and kissed him on the mouth >fully, breathing life back into him, slowly his chest rose and then fell. Tom: Just then, Akane Tendo happened to walk by and immediately jumped to conclusions. Crow: Say, if Ranma gets to determine who deserves life in the gang, then who's this light lady to decide for Ranma? Joel: God must have given Ranma a mulligan on that one. >Breaking the kiss the creature/being/goddess All: IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!!! >kneeled on the ground next to him and whispered into his ear with a >voice that could only be described as musical if one could hear it, Joel: Doe Ray Mi Fa So La Tee Doe. >she spoke 5 words into his ear, Tom: Meet me after the fic? Joel: Tom, what the hell are you thinking?!? Tom: Oh sorry, Joel. I forgot that you're a Belldandy Fanboy. Joel: I am not! I just....uh....think she's nice is all! Yeah! Tom: Hey, whatever you say, Fanboy. Joel: >" Your wish has been granted!" Crow: Um, lady, I didn't make any wish. I was dead, y'know? Joel: That's strange, you sound exactly like Kasumi.... >Back in the woods Tom: ....the Blair Witch was getting the living crap beaten out of her by Winnie the Pooh and his friends, who had mistaken her for a Woozle. >the man reached down and grasped the helpless girl by the hair and >moved to push her to the ground, screaming as loud as she could the >girl clawed, bit, kicked, and did everything in her power to stop him, >he smirked and stood up, kicking her in the stomach! Tom: Yes, it's the Attack of the Run-On Sentences! Crow: Considering all the injuries he sustained from Ranma, shouldn't the girl be able to just push him over at this point? Tom: Maybe his rancid breath is the equlivant of a Bio3 attack? >She doubled over in pain and stopped squirming long enough for him >to start taking his pants off. Joel: Oh, for pete's sake! Give it up and get some medical attention already! Crow: Those Human/Animals just don't know when to quit. >In the clearing the being of light stood and disappeared back into the light >from whence she came. Tom: Oh, that's good. Bring Shakespeare into this mess. Yeah! THAT'LL MAKE IT BETTER!!! Joel: Woah! Easy, Tom, easy. You've had a long day, honey.... >Ranma's eyes snapped open and he leapt to his feet! Joel: I live therefore I am! >Turning to the sounds of a struggle he saw the same girl as before laying >spread eagle helpless on the ground the man standing in front of >her.....taking off his pants?!?!?!?! He sprinted towards them! Tom: All RIGHT! Gimme! I've always wanted a pair of pants like these! >"Yes.." the animal/man thought, he was going to enjoy this. Joel: Wasn't he a man/animal last time? Tom: Author *juuuust* can't be bothered distinguishing this guy's corporeal form. Crow: Is he a man or is an animal? Call our 1-900 number and VOTE! >The man bent over again reaching with his good hand. To grab her >again the girl barely conscious now struggled weakly. Tom: *ahem* If this is to make any sense at all, please start the second sentence at 'The girl.' NOT at 'To grab.' Thankyewverymuch. >However half way down the man suddenly stopped moving! Looking up >the girl saw a miracle. Crow: Two glorious words that read 'THE END'! Tom: Woo hoo....hoo hoo hoo, oh, who are we kidding?!? (starts sobbing) Joel: Come on, shhhhh, don't worry, guys. I sense the end is near. Just stay frosty till.... Crow: Oh, not THAT again! Tom: Can't you say something ELSE for a change? Joel: Uhhhh....Stay wheatie, guys? Crow: Tom: Thanks, I needed that. Joel: Always here to make you smile. >There grasping the man by the back of the neck was that same boy! He >was alive! Her heart leapt into her throat with relief! Joel: Exclamation points abounded! >The boy was obviously still furious Crow: Geez, even *Oscar* wasn't THIS mad when we first MSTed his stuff. Joel: Imagine if Ranma were on the road? Tom: HEY YOU!!! GET THAT *bleep* CAR OUT OF MY *bleeping* LANE BEFORE I KI-BLAST THE *bleeping bleep* OUT OF IT!!! DON'T MAKE ME RIP OFF YOUR *bleeping* ARM AND BEAT YOU WITH IT!!! >and his eyes still shone red, but his black aura had been replaced with a >white one that was beyond bright. Tom: It was Ultra-Tide bright! Joel: So Ranma's an angel of death now? >It shone so brightly that it hurt her eyes! Crow: Uh, you wanna turn down your headlights, pal? Tom: But I'm a guy, dammit! I don't *have* headlights! Joel: Sorry, your wish didn't come with a dimmer. Tom: But I never made a....oh, forget it! >Lifting casually with his right arm Ranma lifted the man off of his feet. Joel: Oh, Ranma's learned how to use the force. That's nice. >With a mighty heave Ranma tossed him into the ground... HARD! Tom: Hard enough to capitalize all the letters, anyway. Crow: Yeah, but only one exclamation point? How hard could that be? >Hard enough to make the ground shake and break the mans arm that >he had fallen on, Crow: Okay, if you say so, fanfic. >luckily for him it had been the previously injured arm. Tom: *whimper* *sob* I-I'm so l-lucky, I could t-t-throw up! *sob* *whimper* >The man leapt to his feet, some of his strength regained Joel: The hell?!? Crow: Yeah, nothing boosts your energy like breaking an arm. >and he threw a jumping punch at Ranma's head a fist thrown so hard >that if it connected with a regular mans head Tom: ....it would have exploded into a billion gooey pieces *and* send out a massive shockwave that blew apart the heads of anyone else within a mile radius? >it would have broken their nose! All: Ooooooooooh.... Crow: ....the hell cares. >Ranma didn't even flinch! He simply raised his left hand and caught >the mans good fist, and clamped down hard! Tom: Clamp. Joel: Yes, doctor. Tom: Scalpel. Joel: Yes, doctor. Tom: Snu. Joel: Snu? What's Snu? Tom: Not much, what's snu with you? Crow: Ba-da-BING! >The man was stunned! However he didn't have much time to be stunned Crow: He found he had to get away on weekends and holidays just to find enough quality time to be stunned. >as the pain suddenly hit him. He looked up and saw a man , not a >boy, a furious man! Joel: He's back....and this time....HE'S MAD. All: GHANDI II!!! >He was blazing with some sort of strange light and the look in his eyes >was that of murder. Joel: No more Mr. Passive Resistance! He's out to KICK SOME BUTT! All: GO GHANDI GO! GO GHANDI GO! >At that moment the man knew what the girls whom he had tortured had >felt, and he was truly afraid. Crow: Girls? What girls?!? I'm confused.... Tom: Isn't it obvious? The author DESPERATELY wants us to hate this gang leader's guts enough so that we'll justify Ranma killing him. Joel: Sad, really.... >Ranma squeezed harder, he could feel the fibers and the sinews in the mans >hand holding the bones in place on the verge of collapse and he smiled faintly >as he applied even more pressure, the mans hand broke in every place >possible and then when Ranma kept squeezing the bones began to shatter and >split the skin. Crow: Uh, would it be crass to say Ranma's got a bone to pick with him? Joel: Yes, plus we'd have to kill you for the pun. Crow: Oh, uh, never mind then! Tom: Suddenly, it's 'Ranma Tortures!' now. >Looking down with disgust Ranma could see the man's limp member >hanging out of his almost off pants. Tom: What? No fine leather underwear to go with his ensemble? >With a grin Ranma thought of the best way to punish this thing, not to kill >him, but to make him wish he was dead, in the name and for the honor of all >the other women whom he had killed and raped. Crow: Which, we should remind the readers, is still pretty much a presumption on Ranma's part.... Tom: Who needs killing when *TORTURE* is where it's at! >Ranma crouched down and with a quick grasp and with the help of the >jumping muscles in his legs Ranma castrated the man! Joel: Uh, okay, now that was a LITTLE excessive.... Crow: Maybe Ranma's cursed form is related to Lorena Bobbit? Tom: If he brings spiky balls into this, I'm leaving.... >His hand dropping the disgusting thing as soon as it was free, and >continuing with the upward motion Ranma aimed a punch that would >almost kill but not quite right into the mans neck, hitting him almost >as hard as he could. Ranma was very satisfied with the sound of >snapping cartilage. Joel: 100% satisfaction guaranteed or your characterization back! Tom: Yes, order now to start receiving your complete collection of 'Ranma Kills!' stories! Every week you'll receive a new blood stained book like 'Ranma Maims!', 'Ranma Slices!', 'Ranma Mutilates!' 'Ranma Bites!', 'Ranma Fights Dirty!', and if you order RIGHT NOW, you'll receive Ranma's manifesto ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! Order today or we'll send Ranma over to YOUR house and turn YOU into a chapter of the glorious saga that IS 'Ranma Kills!' >Knowing that the man was doomed to be a paraplegic in prison and that some >inmate would get to have his way with him for the rest of his miserable life, >and Ranma smirked! All: Crow: Somehow, I get the feeling the 'being of light' that saved Ranma is being called on the carpet right now.... Tom: An eye for an eye, is that how it is, fanfic? Joel: They should have named this fic 'Ranma OOC? And How!' >Turning to the girl he ran quickly to her side his battle aura dying down >around him ad he ran. Crow: Eah, 'ad E' run away with the girl from 'ere when 'E 'ad the chance, none of this might 'ad 'appened at all! >Kneeling beside her he cradled her head in his hands and helped her sit up. Tom: Unfortunately, his uncontrollable rage caused him to accidentally jerk the girl's head completely off her shoulders! Crow: Uhhhhh....Fatality? Joel: Ahhh! You idiot! I only wish I had time....to....get....revenge.... Crow: Your wish has been granted! Tom: And with that, the girl's head bit Ranma to death. >Seeing as she was almost completely naked with her shirt torn and her >skirt in fragments, when she was in a sitting position he shrugged off >his silk shirt. Surprisingly rip free considering that it had taken a shot >gun blast. Tom: You see, when Ranma was a baby, Nodoka wove his clothes out of the blankets in which he'd been wrapped aboard the rocket from Krypton.... >He gently placed it around her shoulders and buttoned it up. Joel: Oh yeah, like THAT makes up for everything. >Glad he always wore another pair of water tight pants under his regular pants >to keep changing to a minimum when he was splashed he quickly shucked >off his outer layer of pants and handed them to her All: Sing the praises of PANTS! >and turned his back so the girl could put them on privately to hide her nudity. >Which she did so while lying back down and arching her back to do so. Crow: Is she POSING for us or what? Tom: Hey, every fanfic's got to have a little fan service now and then.... >Turning back around Ranma knelt beside her again and cradled her shaking >body in his arms. "Are you okay miss?" he asked, Joel: I-I think so....W-What the hell's going on here? Crow: Is this your first time in a bad fanfic? Joel: Y-yeah, I think so.... Crow: Okay, here's all you need to know for now. The author's making me OOC as hell but I think you're safe. Just try to stay calm and don't make any sudden moves or who knows how the author will force me to react! Joel: O-okay, I'll do my best. >she simple looked at him and worked her jaw soundlessly, this boy had >just killed 7 people and been resurrected and all he could say was , "are you >okay?" Tom: No, he said 'are you okay miss?' Pay attention! Crow: What does she expect him to say? I'm insane in the membrane? >Finally gaining control of her mouth the girl looked at those eyes of his, >red with rage a minute ago and now a deep blue with concern..... "Wh-who >are you?" She managed to ask. Joel: I'm Frank Sinatra. Who the hell are you? >Looking into her eyes in return Ranma said those 6 famous words.... Tom: No shirt. No shoes. No service? Joel: This fic is NOT six words long? Crow: You know you want me baby? >"I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this" Tom: You should be, pal, you should be. >*END FOR NOW!!* Tom: Good! This fic can't end enough for me! The whole thing was so un-Ranma, I felt like I was reading a 'Punisher' comic or something! Joel: No kidding. I mean, Ranma going postal and maiming people just doesn't work when he wouldn't even let Soun and Genma mail Happosai to the north pole.... Tom: Yeah. And part of the central concept of the series is that things AREN'T black vs. white the way this author is portraying. Nobody in the manga is a saint, and nobody is without some sort of redeeming virtue at least once in a while. Crow: Well, at the very least, it had a lot of action. That's better than nothing. Tom: Are you kidding me?!? Ranma didn't use ANY of his signature moves, he ripped off Ryouga's Full Shishi Hokodan, which, by the way, uses DEPRESSION as a weapon, not RAGE, and then he suddenly becomes GOD when he determines none of the gang members have the right to LIVE anymore.... Joel: Um, Tom? Tom: .....then Ranma stands there like an idiot and gets himself shot and he DIES! Volia! A great place to end the fic and show the reader what false bravado gets them! But NOOOOOO..... Crow: Uh, Tom, are you okay? Tom: Instead, we have some....'being of light' or some crap like that, come down to earth, plays tonsil hockey with Ranma and gives him the powers of the force, even when it's PAINFULLY obvious that the author is trying to pad out the fic by making this gang seem tougher than they really are because anyone with half a BRAIN knows Ranma could have wasted these guys in 5 seconds flat without breaking a SWEAT!!! Crow: C-Come on, Servo, you're thinking about this way too much.... Joel: Just think happy thoughts, Tom! Happy thoughts! Tom: AND THE WAY THE AUTHOR KEPT FEELING THE NEED TO EXPLAIN *EVERY* SINGLE LITTLE DEVELOPMENT, FROM THE POSSIBLE IMPACT OF A MISSED PUNCH TO HOW WE SHOULD FEEL ABOUT THE BLACK LEATHER GANG!!! GOD, IT JUST MAKES ME *SO* MAD!!! I'M FILLED WITH ANGER!!! I'M ENRAGED!!! I'M FURIOUS!!! I'M....I'M GOING TO....TO....TO.... Crow: Look out! He's gonna blow! Joel: Take cover! (Joel and Crow dive under the seats just as Tom reaches critical mass) Tom: ARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!! * * * DEEP 13 "You got any fives?" "Nope, go fish, Steve-a-reno." Dr. Forrester stifled a yawn as he reached for the deck of cards. Normally he would be monitoring Joel and his tin can buddies while they viewed the horrible fanfic or movie he sent to them but after a few pages of today's experiment, he decided to tape the results and look over them later. Now he was beginning to regret that decision as the only thing he and Frank had thought of to do with their spare time was play cards and wait for the Chinese food delivery to arrive. Even watching Ranma walk had to be more interesting that this. "Say, Steve?" Frank inquired "Yes, Frank?" Dr. Forrester looked up at his assistant. "Want to switch to Crazy Eights? This game is kinda dull." Dr. Forrester shrugged. 'Whatever. Actually, would you mind going to the fridge and getting me another Cherry Coke? I think there's still a few of them left...." "Sure thing. You want ice with that?" Dr. Forrester shuddered. "No, I think I've had all the ICE I can stand for a while." "Kay." Frank got up off the floor and lumbered towards the pantry while Dr. Forrester was taking the opportunity to stack the deck in his favor when an ominous ding came from the direction of the umbiliport. Dr. Forrester looked up in surprise. "Joel's sending something to me? Now?" He rose to his feet and cautiously approached the door when suddenly.... *BOOM!!!* Dr. Forrester was thrown back against the floor as the umbiliport door was blown out with the force of a cannon blast. Groggy, he looked up to see the umbiliport filled with a thick black fog and a loud crackling noise coming from within itself. Then a red light, the color of blood, illuminated the entity within and Dr. Forrester gasped in shock as he recognized the familiar shape of a bubblehead. "You....You're one of Joel's thingamabobs!" Dr. Forrester exclaimed angrily. "What the hell do you think you're...." "YOUUUUUUUUU...." Tom growled as he emerged from the umbiliport, his head was glowing blood red, surrounded by a black aura with crimson flames. "YOU SENT US THAT FANFIC!!! IT'S YOUR FAULT!!!" "S-So what if I did?!?" Dr. Forrester shot back, angry that there was the slightest tremble in his voice. "THEN IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!" Tom screamed as he turned his hoverjets to full power and rushed towards Dr. Forrester, hitting him in the chest and knocking the wind out of him. "OOF! What the hell are you....OW!" Dr. Forrester cried out in pain as Tom rammed the top of his head into the doctor's chin. Then Tom cut the power to his hoverjets and dropped straight down to land on one of Dr. Forrrester's shoes. "OUCH!! DAMN IT! FRANK! GET IN HERE AND HELP ME!!" Dr. Forrester howled as he hopped on one foot while holding his injured one in his hands. Tom quickly put an end to that by ramming the back of his knee, causing Dr. Forrester to fall down in a heap on the floor. "Help you with wha....Hey! It's Tom Servo from the Satellite of Love!" Frank exclaimed as he entered the room, holding two cans of Cherry Coke in his hands. Tom quickly turned to face Frank, his little body shaking with rage. "Sayyyyy, that is one *bitchin'* aura, buddy!" Frank said, his voice filled with admiration. "You think you could teach me how to do that?" "FRANK, YOU IDIOT! CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME?!? DO SOME.....OOOF!!" Dr. Forrester gasped again as Tom dropped like a stone right onto his stomach. "Don't worry, Steve! This oughta cool him down!" Frank proclaimed as he furiously shook both cans of Cherry Coke while approaching the mad robot. Just as Frank lifted the tabs, Tom noticed the danger at the last second and ducked as the cans sprayed their sticky, carbonated fluids all over Dr. Forrester. "Oh, poopy." Frank winced as he watched his boss sputter and cough, completely soaked and dripping with Cherry Coke. Then he abruptly remembered his original target and spun around to find himself face to face with an enraged Tom Servo. "YOU TRIED TO SOAK ME?!?" Tom snarled. "Uhhhh....well, I.....uh....." Frank bigsweated as he desperately tried to think of a way out of this mess. "IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!" Tom screamed as he began powering up his hoverjets. "Aw, c-come on! Wait! C-Can't we be friends or s-something!" Frank stammered as he back away from the furious machine. Suddenly a small sphere of light grew in the middle of Deep 13, straight out of nowhere. The light assumed a feminine shape and a voice that sounded remarkably like an Elton John song, whispered to him. "Your wish has been granted!" "Huh? But I didn't make a...." Frank cut himself off as he abruptly remembered his predicament. "Wait! Yes, I did! I made a wish! I did! I most definitely and certainly did! Honest!" Frank quickly amended in a panicked voice. The being of light seemed to smile at him and then, placing her hands alongside Frank's face, she gently kissed him on the forehead before vanishing as quickly as she had come. Frank was speechless for a moment. Then he glanced over at his boss, still lying on the floor, and he suddenly felt a overwhelming sense of hatred and loathing for him. Before he could wonder why, another wave of negative emotion, even stronger than the first one, increased what was once loathing into a full blown obsession to see Dr. Forrester punished for his crimes. "YOUUUUUUUUUU...." Frank growled, a battle aura identical to Tom's, began to surround Frank like a blanket. Meanwhile, Dr. Forrester, who had just finished wiping his glasses clean and was about to lace into Frank with a few choice words, now paled considerably when he noticed Frank and Tom slowly walking towards him, their eyes glowing a blood red color. "F-Frank! B-b-booby! H-Have I mentioned you're up for a r-raise?" Dr. Forrester asked in a small voice. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE The sounds of extreme violence could still be heard from the viewscreen speakers even after Joel had hastily shut it off. Joel quickly searched for the mute button and finally found it after a few moments, silencing the din. "Well, at least we know where Tom went, now," Crow remarked. "Yeah, but shouldn't we do something before they tear Dr. F to pieces?" Joel replied, a concerned look on his face. "Ah, don't let your conscience tie you in a knot, Joel. Dr. F brought it on himself. Besides, I hear it's good to release some rage once in a while." "I guess you have a point there. But we still need to calm Tom down afterwards....and you know what that means." "Oh no! No way! I am NOT wearing that damn waffle suit again!" "Come on. Be a sport," Joel prodded. "No! Forget it!" "I'll give you a *ramchip*...." Joel offered in his best Velma impression. "Uh-uh!" Crow replied. "TWO ramchips?" "Yeah yeah yeah yeah!" Crow replied in his best Scooby Doo impression as he rushed off to get the suit. Joel watched him go and then came to a sudden realization. "Hey, if Frank's busy beating up Dr. F, then who's going to push the button?" he wondered aloud. "Your wish has been granted!" the feminine voice of Magic Voice replied cheerfully. "Wait! I was saving that wish for....aw, shoot." Joel pouted as the screen faded to black. ....AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE... I hope you enjoyed this and C&C is very welcome. (fcasper@yesic.com) Author's Notes: Hiya! I had originally planned for this MSTing to have a Halloween theme but I didn't give myself enough time to release it the week before Halloween so releasing it the first of November seemed like a better idea anyway. I took a bit of a vacation from MSTing in order to help move and settle into a new house in a gated community still under heavy construction and it's taking a while to get adjusted to the new neighborhood, not to mention the sounds of bulldozers waking me up *every* day at 6 am. Believe me, I'm very glad to start writing again and with a little luck, the 1999 Chicken Ball Awards will be ready a few months sooner than last time. ;P I've been MSTing for over 2 years now and I want to thank each and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and who have helped me throughout these last two years. I treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :) Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out his latest work 'I Dream of Ranma', you can reach him at kleppe@execpc.com or his webpage at http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics and I'm sure he'll be happy to send the story along to you. Finally I'd like to thank Sir Asayogure for writing 'Ranma Kills!' and giving me a lot of material to work with. I hope you're not offended. It's all meant in good fun. :) Shizen's Versatile Home Page V3.0 (My MSTing and Fanfic Pages can be found here.) http://svhp.webjump.com/ (Alternate site: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/) Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/ SEASON ONE ------------------ 101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon) 102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon) 103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman (SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER) 104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic) 105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic) 107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton (La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover) 108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky (SM/WWF Crossover) w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover) 110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic) SEASON TWO ------------------- 201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon) 202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon) 203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn (SM Fanfic) 204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic) 205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon) 206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover) 207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari (Mutiple Crossovers) 208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic) 209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon) 210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou (UY Lemon) SEASON THREE ---------------------- 301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon) 302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic) 303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic) 304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) SHORTY! ------------- 101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY! 102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET! 103- PHEROMONES! 104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!! OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO --------------------------------------------------------- "DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) "MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover) Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/ "THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon) "9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon) Lefty's MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/MSTings/index.htm 'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE! (Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle) Mystery Wrestling Theater! http://members.aol.com/mrnoun/MWT3K.htm "THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee (Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover) Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING The Official Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html Flashman's Flash Point http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/ Website Number 9 MSTings http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page! http://members.tripod.com/~CarnageBooga/index.html A Sailor Moon Romance http://moonromance.simplenet.com/ Zen's Fanfiction Page http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html Webdragon's Lair http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/ Sakura's Lemon Fan-Fiction Archive http://anime.muck.com/~sakura/main.html Sean Gaffney's Webpage http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html >"I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this" Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1999 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....