mneideng@ugcs.caltech.edu (Mark L. Neidengard) Dreams of Christmas a Violinist of Hameln fanfic by Mark Neidengard Another night. Another dream. But always you. Precious, precious gold. Thin like frost's first kiss upon the tree. Thick like sunset over a placid ocean in the cloth shrouding the walls. Merry in the flickering of torches, solemn in the majesty of the cruciform ornaments. And in your hair. (Chased by the lonely shadows) Gold is the ribbon that slides delicately under your fingers, encircling a box of red. It is the red of the freshest blood, the cleanest kill. The purest sacrifice. It is the red of your eyes. Those eyes widen in surprise and joy as you slowly hold up the white dress, draping it lightly over you as you sit crosslegged. From around you erupt the squeals of delight, giddy like schoolgirls. Would schoolgirls sacrifice their life so willingly for their master? Would they do so more than once? (The words I can't say become a sigh) Across from you, your brother smiles softly and nods approval from under his broad-brimmed hat, nudging the green-clothed young man whose gaze seeks your approval. "It's wonderful," you say. "I think it'll fit me _just_ fine." The man's eyes glaze a bit at that, nose twitching as though trying to restrain a sneeze. Is that a trace of impishness in your smile? (A sleepless night - a sleepless city) There is a feather in the young man's oddly-shaped green hat that well embodies your smile. Pure, serene white, a perfect balance of fluffiness and strength. I know of another feather very like it, dropped when you were little. It was blown away by the wind long ago...yet not that long at all. Fluffier, less suited for flight, but still yours. Its color matched your eyes, matched the color of the past I couldn't stop. Your smile then was tinged with pain. Pain that doesn't want to let you go. (Seeks the whereabouts of thwarted love) And there is one more of your feathers which captures your smile. It is sleek, sharp. There is no mirth in it. Only a deep, deep cold. It is the darkest raven black. (Aa I can hear the old familiar song) Its shadow freezes my heart. (Aa I can feel it with my living body) Oh my child....had I only been able to walk the other path... Another night. Another dream. But always you. Gold is more precious than silver. Clouds are silver. Moonlight is silver. Steel is silver. The glitter of armor, of shields and buckles as men walk forward to battle. The dance of the silver light and the dark blood on the edge of a sword. It was a dance I once danced gladly, believing in my heart of hearts that a better future lay ahead. We all did. (Strangely, I'm not lonely) Country, duty, righteousness...love. You were the one who stood to inherit all of those that your father and I had. When the carriage bore you out of sight that day, I knew you'd come to understand in time. Your first real sunset was golden. But "those who live by the sword"... My last real sunset was blood red. (But tonight the moon is full) Your turn comes. This time the box is small, although it is still big in your hands. I know that curious delight in your eyes as you rip the green and white wrapping paper off. I saw it when I first gave you birth. But the moment of frozen surprise when you see what is inside is new, something I only saw once and your father never saw at all. It's a small golden cross with a tiny loop through one end, through which a chain runs. One of her earrings. Your eyes meet, her grin a sheepish one that can't entirely hide the pleasure at your reaction. You can't entirely hide the blood in your cheeks. (Bravado is just weakness upside down) Yes, you are my son. I must have looked like that at your father all those years ago. Of all his weapons, the sharpest was that soft "Thank you" I hear echoed in your voice. "Tough times demand tough hearts." My son, there has always been war, always will be war. We wanted a better world, but was such a thing even our right? (The days of my love were all just moonlight shadow) (Amidst the pursuit of distant memories) Now the sword is yours. Your own country has fallen like so many others into ruin and darkness, leaving you alone to struggle on. Five Great Hopes against a Hundred Billion Despairs. Can we possibly ever prevail? (Unfinished dreams are all just moonlight shadow) (Formless illusions...) Let your courage guide the silver of your sword, that there may be golden sunsets once more. I pray. (I want you to notice my anguished heart) (The night cries out to the moon) Another night. Another dream. But always you. Silver was precious to me. Silver, and tin, and rosin, and lead. Traceries of frozen fire with which I surrounded my heart. With them I could move mountains, could part oceans, grant new life where none had existed before and extinguish life where it had once flourished so verdantly. I could not raise the dead. (If I plug my ears against the nasty rumors) It should be a credit to me that they ruined my kingdom twice. The weak, the forgotten, they all die once when someone kills them. But it takes strength, takes cunning to come back again. Takes years of labor, centuries of scholarship to bring a country back from the dead. In the end, it took only two children to bring it to naught once more. Two children and one foolish, foolish old man. (Will my heart clear up a bit?) Oh, I know the real reason. I saw the stark terror in her eyes when she swung that scythe, what they must have done to her there in the darkness. My sons attacked without the slightest knowledge of what they were doing. After all, you were an angel. But does that make it right?! If this was God's will, why shouldn't God deserve to fail? He should have known that I couldn't bear to have everything I loved taken away like that! (I don't want to lose - I look up to the night sky) But it ran much deeper. I couldn't find it my heart to hate the person who destroyed my life and my love and my kingdom. I had no choice but to hate the entire world for what had been done. So I didn't care which of you two won or lost. God should have blamed your mother, who was so short-sighted as to give her box to me. Whichever of you opened it, the result would have been the same. God should have blamed _her_, for giving it to someone so short-sighted as me. Pride built this kingdom. Scorn destroyed it, and hatred rebuilt it again. How stupid of me not to see that true love would be its final demise. Like father, like son. Like sister. Like mother. (So the tears of frustration won't spill) I can see the two of you, sitting in that brightly-lit room with the smiles on your lips and the light in your eyes. Rare enough for the demon child and the fallen angel. Inside your gift to him is rosin, fresh and bright and gathered by hand. As I once did. You know what his music means to him. He knows how much his smile of gratitude means to you. To you both, I'm just one more bad memory. One more person who did the wrong thing to you for the wrong reasons, and paid the ultimate price. So singleminded about your mission. Your friends. (Aa these thoughts just won't go away) Your loved ones.... WHAT ABOUT THOSE WHO GOT LEFT BEHIND?! (Aa I don't need a fleeting love...) My wife, my sons, if you can see me from Heaven, please wish me a Merry Christmas again this year. I wish I could do the same. Another night. Another dream. But always you. Silver and black. Stark contrast. Runes, glyphs on a page, ancient chants and more ancient evil. Why must silver befriend black, and war with white and gold? Sister, why must I be made to fight you? (When I look back, you were always there) I wasn't there to see your first smile. That was Mother's privilege for the struggle of giving you birth. Come to think of it, I barely saw you smile at all. I guess that's because of how selfish I was. Always playing with the ones from the other world, always more worried about how to have more fun and not how to savor what I already had. I guess it was a good thing I could heal you. At least, in body. Then, your spirit hadn't yet been wounded. (It was always the two of us) I'm glad you can't remember the moment when I died. You've got to fight against me, after all, and the fewer things standing in your way, the better. I'd love to help. But...that doesn't seem to be possible right now. I gaze at the light in his eyes as he hands you his gift. I think I can understand why Pandora did what she did, back then. Under the tissue paper is a bracelet of polished wood, beautiful whorls of amber and brown twining themselves into a circle. Love, the light in the darkness. The light in his eyes. Did I discover that light too late? (My messed-up hair is so sad...) My powers were supposed to be used to make life brighter. Is there any darker place than where I now dwell? Is there any darker deed than waking the dead and using them to plague the living? I've watched through the rotting eyes of the corpses of husbands as they dismembered their wives and families. I may end up doing the same with my own hands at this rate. And it looks like it's all my fault. _All_my_fault_. (I cry, damp, trembling...) Sister, as you slide that bracelet over your slender wrist and model it for those you call your friends, I feel a glimmer of happiness for you in some long lost part of myself. But that glimmer fades as the words of thanks leave your lips. He is the Successor. If the wishes of the demons come true, if these things I'm doing reach their fruition, he could mean the end of everything you have ever known. Something tells me I shouldn't hate him, that he's as lost as you are, but this darkness keeps whispering to me that I should have been the one you loved, not someone like him. (Unrequited love is all just moonlight shadow) Whose fault is that? (Controlled by the magic of time) Who else's could it be. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't kind enough. I didn't love enough. Everything that HE does with this body, with these powers, it's all my fault. If I could be free I'd make amends. That's what I keep telling myself. But I know that will never happen. (Dreams that don't come true are all just moonlight shadow) (Formless illusions...) I just wish they would have sent me to Hell. Then I couldn't have caused you and Mother and everyone else such unending sorrow. Sister, Mother...I'm so so very sorry. (I want you to notice my anguished heart) (The night cries out to the moon) Another night. Another dream. But always you. The bloodline of benevolence. The light of the world. The barrier that evil cannot breach. The love that need not be questioned. All my light is slowly fading to black. My children, what am I? (Ah...that love that runs all the way to my lips) My children. They all are, really. I made an alliance with Dal Segno and accepted my share of the end of a kingdom. I struck a bargain with Pandora, and accepted my share of the end of the world. And I made love to the love of my life, and accepted my share of the anguish of two human souls. My daughter, one of those who could save the world. And my son, already lost to those who would destroy it. My children, I am a mother. Whether I deserve to be or not. (Ah...if I could go back once more...) I did what little I could for them this year. The meats, cheeses, and candies came from the finest chefs, wrapped with my own hands and sent oh, so far to try to brighten their day at least a bit. All I could do. I look out over the silent ranks of my soldiers, their meager military rations small consolation against the cold. I command the mightiest human army in the world. And can't save even one of them with my own hand. (Bravado is just weakness upside down) No mother is perfect. I thought I understood that so well. But that night...that night when I saw her, forlorn in the rain, clutching her two babies close to her breast. Struggling to make a future for her children despite the mockery and the scorn and the malice and hypocrisy. She was a far better mother than I. I was only trying to do the right thing. I still am. (Someone listen, and understand) Now they all look to me for guidance. It took nations being laid waste, hundreds of thousands of dead for them to decide to listen. They want to believe that someone has the answers to all this madness. I want to too. If not, what are my children giving their lives for? What are my children... losing their souls for? (And hold this heart that's about to break, right now) The bloodline of benevolence. That was my legacy. That last light in a world that stands on the brink of eternal darkness. I have entrusted that light to the Five Great Hopes. I needn't see their faces, as they savor my gift and the strength of their own companionship. I can feel it bright as the full moon on the darkest, starless night. It is the last light, the last set of sons and daughters, I have left. (Strongly, so strongly) I can't afford to lose any more. No mother could. Another night. Another dream. But always you. It's dark and cold here. Kind of scary. I can't see any stars. No moon either. All I see is the darkness and me. Black, and blue. I sort of knew this would happen. I'm not a demon, so I can't live in Hell. I'm glad about that.... But I couldn't become an angel. So they don't want me in Heaven either. So I'm somewhere in the middle. But, you know how that feels even better than I do. I...I miss you. I miss you a lot. Somehow I'm kind of numb by now, and I can't feel the pain of my body falling apart anymore. It's hard to remember what it was like being close to you, feeling your fingers, your feathers against mine. I had to give up everything you had done for me to try to make you better, and I'm not sure how much of me is left. (Even one moment of warmth will do) I had a dream once. I'm not sure I know what dreams are anymore, but if I try really hard I can sort of remember. I remember you smiling at me. Your eyes were so warm that I could feel it down to my toes, all the way down to the bottom of my heart. You were happy. That's what I wanted. (Until my damp eyes are dry) For you to be happy. It's kind of sad, actually. The last time I saw you your eyes were so full of tears, just like the first time we met. I didn't want you to cry. I tried...I tried so hard to make it better. I was told that I messed things up worse. I...really hope that's not true. But maybe I...wasn't the right one to try and dry your tears anyway. I mean, you're _beautiful_! An angel. You can do anything, fly anywhere. Everything you do comes straight from your heart, so...pure! How could a half-breed girl like me even dare to...love you? I didn't expect to be loved in return. I knew I was making one more mistake. But you were so much of everything I could never be... I just couldn't let you cry. I just couldn't. (Even one moment of gentleness will do) I guess I don't have a right to be sad. I mean, I got what I said I wanted. I gave you my life. Wouldn't it be selfish of me to ask for anything more? ....but... (Hold me strongly, so strongly) But...I still miss you. You said you never wanted me to leave you. I don't know if you know how much that meant. How sorry I am that I couldn't obey. Maybe I'll be like this forever. Maybe if you can be happy, somewhere, it'll feel worth it. Maybe I'll stop feeling at all. S-Sizer-sama... (I want you to notice my anguished heart) (The night cries out to the moon) I can't give you a gift this year. (The days of my love were all just moonlight shadow) Everything I had is all gone now. (Unfinished dreams are all just moonlight shadow) Everything but your memory. (All your shadows are just moonlight shadow) I'm sorry I couldn't be the one for you. (Unrequited love is all just moonlight shadow) I'm sorry I couldn't make it all better. (Dreams that don't come true are all just moonlight shadow) I miss you so badly. (Formless illusions...) Merry Christmas. (I want you to notice my anguished heart) (The night cries out to the moon) 'Fin' -- /!\/!ark /!\!eidengard, CS Grad, VLSI. http://psy-s.cjas.org/~mneideng/ "Fairy of sleep, controller of illusions" Maigo no Daigakuinsei, Cornell U. "Control the person for my own purpose." "Don't mess with the Dark Elves!" -Pirotess, _Record_of_Lodoss_War_ Shadowrunner and Anime Addict