From: "Sean Gaffney" <gaffney@iconn.net>

The Light That Burns Brightest

by Sean Gaffney

Kodomo No Omocha (C) 1999 Miho Obana/Ribon Comics.  All rights reserved.



     Akito sprang to his feet at the sight of the doctor.  His face was still 
the expressionless mask he'd had since childhood.  No matter how hard she 
tried, his wife hadn't been able to get rid of it entirely.  But those who 
knew him well could see how much he was suffering.  His eyes, eyes that 
normally showed a laconic humour at the vagaries of the world, were deep and 
haunted, and his cheekbones looked thinner.
     "Doctor?" he asked quietly.
     The doctor shook his head.  "A few hours at most.  I'm sorry, Hayama-
san.  We've tried to do all we can.  I cannot apologise enough.  Your wife is 
simply... wasting away.  All I can do is make her comfortable."
     Akito clenched his fists, closing his eyes briefly.  "And our child?"
     "Ah, there I do have good news."  Akito's eyes burst open again in hope, 
and he walked over to clasp the doctor's hand.  "She's all right?"
     The doctor held up a hand.  "I don't want to make any rash promises.  
Not again.  But the worst of it seems to be over, and your daughter is 
stabilising.  With special care, and extra hospital time, she should be fine."
     Akito relaxed a bit.  Their child was safe.  Losing his wife still tore 
his heart open, but losing both of them... he doubted he could bear it.  
"Thank you, doctor."
     The doctor smiled weakly.  "I'm sorry we couldn't save both of them, 
Hayama-san."
     Another nod.  Others might have thought that Akito was being cold, or 
cruel, but the doctor knew his emotions well by know.   Akito was 
internalising his suffering, waiting until he was alone before reacting.
     "You wife wants to speak with you," he said after a minute or two.
     "Of course," Akito nodded.  "Can I... can we be alone for a moment?"
     "Naturally.  Take as long as you like," the doctor added, before leaving 
Akito at the door to his wife's room.
     Akito stood by the door for a moment, trying to work up the courage to 
walk into the room.  To see her one last time, before... before she died.
     Walking in, he felt his heart twinge again.  She lay there on the bed, 
looking for all the world like a limp rag doll.  Her weight was down to 
seventy pounds, and you could see every vein sticking out of her skin.  It was 
horrifying.
     They still weren't sure why this was happening.  After all these months, 
no one had an answer.  All they knew was that with the pregnancy, Sana was 
getting weaker and weaker, and that none of the treatments they tried seemed 
to have any effect.  After two months, she'd have to give up acting, telling 
the press she was going on a sabbatical.  She'd been able to hide it then, 
with makeup and her naturally cheery disposition.  But now... now there wasn't 
anymore hiding.
     In a weak moment, when she had been sobbing for a long time, she told 
Hayama that this must be some sort of punishment.  For years she had been an 
energetic, hyperactive child.  Her verve and vigour were part of what drew 
Akito out of his shell and caused him to fall in love with her.
     "But Akito," she had said, "what if we only get a certain amount of life 
in this world?  You only get so much, and you have to use it up a little bit 
at a time.  Akito, what if I've been so stupid..."
     He'd held her tightly then, whispering into her ear.  "Idiot.  This isn't 
a punishment from anyone.  Why would God want to punish you?  You've done so 
much... helped so many people."
     She smiled through her tears then, a sight he never got tired of.  "You 
were the most important one, Akito.  If I were given the choice to go back and 
change things, I wouldn't.  I don't even think I *could*.  Seeing you 
suffer..."
     They had made love that night, for what turned out to be the last time.  
It was slow and sweet, an expression of their private selves they only showed 
to each other.
     The next day she had collapsed, and they'd checked her into the 
hospital.
     He started, realising that while he was in his reverie, she had woken up 
and was smiling at him.  Her smile was the one thing that hadn't changed, that 
no illness could take away.  It spoke of a wry humour, of someone who laughs 
so much to stop herself from crying.
     Akito stumbled into the room, closing the door behind him.  "Sana..." he 
murmured.
     She tried to reach out to him, but couldn't lift her arm.  Instead, he 
went to the bed, moving next to her, taking her in his arms once more.
     "They said our daughter would be all right, Akito.  Isn't that 
wonderful?  I was so afraid... so afraid it'd be for nothing."
     Akito wanted to say something, any one of a thousand arguments that he'd 
had, vehemently denying what she'd said.  But all he did was hold her tighter, 
clutching her head to his chest.
     "They also say I don't have too long left.  I'm surprised they told me, 
you'd think they'd be ready to lie to me to make me happy..."
     Akito frowned.  "They respect you too much to do that to you."
     Sana managed to get her hand around his, and gripped it as tightly as 
she could.  "Akito, promise me something.  I think you know what I'm going to 
ask, but I have to hear you say it."
     Akito did know what she was about to ask, but kept his silence.
     "Don't let what happened to you happen to our daughter.  Promise me 
she'll grow up in a loving, happy family.  Even if you have to - "
     "No."  They'd had this argument before.
     Sana went on as if he hadn't spoken.  " - to remarry, I don't care, as 
long as our child is happy.  Happier than we were.  With a childhood, a real 
childhood.  No Kowamari, or anything like that.  Just playing with kids, and 
learning at school, and making friends.  And when she grows up, she can do 
whatever she wants.  Anything at all.  Promise me that, Akito."
     "I promise."  What else could he say?  He'd sooner take his own life 
than allow their daughter to suffer the way they had.
     They held each other in silence for a few more minutes.  Then Sana spoke 
once more.
     "Akito, do you remember when I said that I thought this was God's way of 
taking my life, that I'd used it all up?"
     "Yes."
     "I've been thinking some more.  I don't think it was my energy, or my 
vitality.  I think it was my happiness.  There was simply no way that I could 
ever be happier than I was with you.  And maybe that happiness is too 
dangerous.  Maybe it can damage you, or something.  Maybe that's what happened 
to me.  I was just too happy."
     "Idiot," he said, his voice rough.
     "I meant what I said then, you know.  I wouldn't change anything.  
Nothing at all.  I've loved every second that I've been with you, even when 
you were driving me crazy.  That's my life, and it made me happy.  And even if 
the happiness is killing me, I don't care.  I'm still happy."
     Akito opened his mouth, then stopped.  She was happy.  He wouldn't take 
that away from her.
     Another hour passed, with them holding each other.  Sana coughed once or 
twice, but that was all.
     "Akito?"
     "Yes?"
     "I know you have trouble saying things.  Words aren't really your thing, 
huh?  But I've always known how you felt, so it's OK.  But I want to say it 
for both of us, one last time."
     She paused.
     "I love you.  Forever."
     He said nothing.  As she said, he didn't have to.
     Another half-hour later, she stopped breathing.
     He couldn't stop them then.  Couldn't stop the tears.  Akito clutched 
her body and he cried, cried like a broken man.  He didn't think he'd ever be 
able to stop crying.
     But eventually, he did.  And he got up, and laid her back on the bed, 
and crossed her hands, and closed her eyes.
     He moved to the door, and looked back.  "Sana, I..."
     She was right.  Words weren't how he dealt with the world.  He had no 
idea to say how much she'd meant to him.  But then it occurred to him.  The 
words that only she would understand.
     "I never hated you."

END