Theresa Wymer "Dosetsu Speaks" I am not your brother. Your brother is dead. I was born the day I came out of the ashes Not the day I left my mother's womb. That boy was dead and buried The boy that could have been your brother He choked and died, died screaming for his mother And this shell is all that is left. There is nothing in me that can be your brother I have nothing in me, nothing to give Only this hollow, aching rage That cries and will not be filled. You say I have a peony You lie--the flowers are all dead Cut off, slashed through the stem Uprooted, wilted, before they ever got to bloom Ripped out of the ground by the fist of a man A man with no soul. They say a lovely woman is a peony, Standing or sitting But the flower burned in the fires And nothing left but ashes. You cannot have me. I am not your brother Your brother died that day He came crawling out of the ashpit With the dead flames of his spirit Having burnt through his brain, his heart His life and there is nothing else. Nothing but this throb for vengeance. My loyalty is to myself, for I have no other. Nothing to give, so leave me! Leave me in peace! Throw away your baubles, your beads, your glowing lights. I shut my eyes and will not see them. I crush the glass in my fist, squeeze tight You cannot hurt a hollow man, he cannot bleed. I was born and died and born again Born dead to the world. The world died in ashes In blood In a fall of hair In a broken rice bowl and a choking woman The boy died but came back to life A life that became a gaping wound That would not heal And would not fill with anything. And he died again. Why do you weep? How could you care for her? What could she be to you? She was not your sister Born of the same expended seed Not your blood Fallen to the ground Not your soul Burned to nothing. A stranger, leaving this world, entering this world Rubbing shoulders with you for a moment And departing the next. Fool! Don't come crying to me! She did not wither by your hand Plucked up, crumpled, and thrown away A precious gift lost and found again too late How could you know her? I knew her. I know. I tore the petals off I scratched myself with the thorns, bled: And now I have died and come back to life again Dying and living, living and dying And never truly alive. Your brother died at seven. He was a good boy; a shame you never knew him. Me? Don't look at me, I'm just a stranger. I'm in his body, but that means nothing. It was chance that brought us here And chance will pull us away again Snapping back like a bowstring Slapping the bare skin of the unguarded wielder. If you'll excuse me, I have to pick some flowers, Or maybe I'll be playing in the ashpit. Don't look at me, 'cause I don't give a damn. Not what you think, or what you believe, or feel. I don't want or need you, strange boy bearing flowers Why won't you leave me! My insides burned away Burned out by poisoned rice, by a woman's hate And I walk the earth, empty. I have nothing to give And nothing to ask for, so go away, leave me! Why do you care for me? I don't care for you I can't hate you; hating's too much trouble. Love? Don't be a fool. Loving's simple And nothing in the world's simple any more. I want my anger, I want my vengeance now. If I can use you for them, so much the better. Come in and try to fill me, I'll spit you out Throw you away, laughing, much better gotten rid of. You can't fill this hollowness, so don't even try. Go away. Leave me. I don't want you here. You don't belong; no one does with me. I'll take your sword, that's useful to me now But I don't need your beads, your baubles, or your toys. Unmask me? Why? There's nothing there to see Behind this face, this ever-changing mien I use to get what's mine, get what was robbed from me. Beware. The shell will crack if you pry too hard, Explode and burst in flames, with nothing left at all. No matter how you try, you won't get any good Or anything of value from this empty mask. For there is nothing there. Whatever I once touched, Whatever I once loved, is gone, lost from my hands. Do you wish to join my dead? If you stay with me, you will. We can't evade that fate, so run away from me Leave me, accursed, to face my life alone. I can't afford to love, not now, not ever. So leave me now, leave me. Leave me. Leave me. ---------- April and May 1996 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Theresa Wymer posting from jamesl@efn.org